Comedy Central Present's...My Sex Life.

You need to paddle his backside.

Okay, I'd better explain. I dated a guy who I was crazy about but he was crap in bed. When I say crap, I mean he just couldn't learn what pleased me or at least made it somewhat enjoyable for me. He was a wham, bam, thank you mam type. He kissed me like he was peeling open a tin of sardines with his teeth. He was the roughest lover I've ever had. He actually bruised my breasts, ass and thighs because he just couldn't understand the gentle touch, even though I showed and explained it to him. It got so I detested him coming near me and would actually groan when he got aroused. So what did I do? I bought a paddle from a sex-store and I told him we were going to do something different and I whacked his ass until it was beet-red. He enjoyed the first minute or two but was crying for mercy after five. I sat down (he couldn't) and asked him how that felt. He said it was awful and I said "too rough"? Yes, he whined. "So now you know how I feel when you whack me with your paddle night after night!"

He actually agreed to try something different the next night ... the gentle touch.

Sometimes men need to be taught by example. If he is acting like a doofus with you then turn the tables next time and tell him you will be a dominatrix tonight and he will do exactly what you tell him to. Tomorrow he will be the pirate and you will be his captive prisoner. Creating a scenario with expectations can be helpful rather than the bland 'let's have sex' idea. Once some acts result in a good "O" then lots of praise and "ooh you hit the spot honey" will encourage him to continue or revamp his virginal style.

lol...sorry guys, I have been soo busy with work and school and this is the first time I have been able to sit down and have some time to myself.

It's funny, I tend to find him sexy when he is not even trying to be sexy. Some times its just the way he looks. Like his hair finally turned out good or something or the shirt he is wearing looks sexy on him. Thats when I really want to "do him" unfortunatly I don't think many people would appriciate it if we just did it right in the middle of the restaurant. As for alcohol, that does seem to work for the most part. I find that when I drink I get more horney and into it and totally forget all the weird things he does. But I think it would be a little odd if I always kept a bottle of vodka on the night stand.

ok, so satisfy our curiousity if you want..

what IS IT that is so " clumsy" that he does?
Laughs? :falls out:? does he snort like a dog or something??

The good thing is you have chemistry - can't fake that.
I think now you have to communicate. Get him to understand what you like, don't encourage the things that bother you. Be verbal tell him: "I love it when you do that" or "that's perfect". Men are like puppies - they respond to the positive sound of your voice.

I just make sure my woman is loaded up and passed out, so I don't hear her bitching after. I mean, sometimes you ladies can't even appreciate the best 20 seconds you'll ever experience.

or rolled up newspaper.

ok....if you REALLY want to know....ill tell you...but its really gross!

Ok so..my husband has this problem with letting it go too early. We have been working on it and it has gotten better. Well...this one time, it was getting really hot and heavy and he had to stop himself in order to calm himself down and continue. So we stop for a moment, he sits on his knees in a kneeling position and rests. In this almost meditative state, he takes in a deep breath of air, and when he went to exhale...well...lets just say it came out the other end. Light switches have nothing on how fast I got turned off. And as for the other night...I am not sure how he did it, but if there is ever a way, he would find it. Some how we got into this standing doggie style position on the bed and as we were going...he accidentally smacked his junk against me too hard and boy did he go down quick.

And women are like kittens.

You respond to being stuck in a large freezer for 3 hours.

Some men get terribly lost, even when the roadmap is
defined clearly and pointed out in red. Either they're
become passive on the passenger seat or the driving teacher
has lots of patience explaining the road signs.

Oww, that hurts.

I'm thankful for the 36 year old stewardess I met when I was 23. I think the women after her were unknowingly thankful for her, too.

ok, so it isnt something specific like snorting like a dog.
It is a bunch of little things that go bump where they shouldnt, sound off when they arent needed and .. well..
AAAHAHHAHAHHAHA

sorry, that was funny...

do you ever play the radio when you are having sex?
that might prove to be enough of a distraction for both of you?
You wouldnt hear his farts,
and he wouldnt focus on little things like that..
maybe?

He farts when banging you? Nice. Hopefully he doesn't while doing 69's too. Unless you're into that kind of thing...like shewolfnm here.

the most embarassing moments happen when gas passes while your having an orgasim




right slappy ;-)

You would know, toots.

When you have a woman on top of you, pumping away, and she gets going and goes up a little too far, and your dick slips out, and then she slams down on it and it bends like it has an elbow...ooh, man, that **** HURTS!

OH MY GOD!!! I so know what you mean, he does that to me all the time and it hurts for him but god damn it really does hurt for me too. He did that to me so hard I had a bruise there for a week!

<shaking head>

I don't know, I just keep getting this picture in my head of a skinny 16 year old boy wearing big glasses with black frames, all gangly and all thumbs and left feet.

gggaaa,, gggaaa,,, Ggaah.l..OHHHHHH.. pant, pant pant.

You know, there ARE ways to treat premature ejaculation.

kitkat - I'm totally NOT being serious here, but...How in the world does someone do something that hurts himself accidently, and doesn't figure out pretty quick not to do that again?

Ummm. So I guess the ladies AREN'T talking about how awesome we are all the time.

I'm gonna go play Legos and think things over.

You know kool dude, I've been wondering if any guys reading this even for a second wonder, "I wonder if I'm like that? I didn't know it was a BAD thing to point and laugh when I fall out. And what is this woman talking about hurting her? I'm not SUPPOSED to put a vise grip on her breasts? Well, I'll be darned. Good thing MY sex partner likes it when I do that". <satisfied this doesn't apply to him, he goes off to find some tile grout>