Am I obligated to pay for them (not all of them though)

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Here's my situation. I am the youngest child of 7 siblings. I'm 55 years old and both mom and dad are still alive and married. I guess I come from the traditional family where mom was the homemaker and dad worked until he retired a bunch of years ago. He's now in his mid 80s and has health issues. Mom still cooks the big Sunday dinner and the entire family gathers together at the family home to eat and just reconnect. I rarely eat at the family home since I have my own family. So after church my wife and I go home, cook, eat, then I go sit with my family at the family home. Yes, we all still live in the same city.

As we all got older the majority of us moved out and got our own places and started our own families. There are 3 girls and 4 boys along with the parents. Two of my brothers still live in the family home with our parents. One brother never moved out while the oldest brother has been in and out over the past number of years. He's been back full time for quite a few years now. One brother is about 63 and the other one is about 61. They both have worked down through the years. The oldest one still works but the younger of the two had to stop working due to an injury. Again, dad is retired but has health issues so mom is his caregiver.

Here's my dilemma, throughout the years, it seems that anytime something breaks or needs repairing at the house the oldest sister likes to rally the troops and make everyone chip in to fix what is needed. I have a problem with that. A few years back our parent's homeowner's insurance sent them a letter saying that if they didn't replace the roof on the house they would drop the policy. There were no leaks inside the house but they did a visual inspection and said it needed to be replaced. That cost some $8k or $9k if my memory serves me right. Again, the two brothers are still living in the house. Yeah, dad gets SS and I think some sort of retirement. Oldest sister split the cost between all the siblings and told us all what portion we have to pay. Granted, I didn't pay because my money was tight managing my own home with my wife and family. A little while later we noticed the ceiling in our parent's sitting room had been gradually sagging. This is an older house but our parent's have managed to keep it up for the most part. One of those old plaster ceilings. Mom tried to tape it up but eventually (a few years down the road) one Sunday afternoon we all were sitting there just talking and the entire ceiling fell in on our heads. We all cleaned up the damage and one of my sisters knew a guy who gave a quote on replacing the ceiling. And as you guessed it the cost was split between the siblings. No, I didn't pay. Several years later we noticed that the kitchen floor was sinking in so another sister called Orkin to come check for termites. Yep, termite damage. You can see what happened next, another family gathering to split the cost of the Orkin bill. Again, I didn't pay. Now that the termite problem was taken care of now we had to deal with getting the floor replaced. One of our cousins is a general contractor so he came out and gave the family a quote of about $12k to replace the floor and the cabinets. You see where this is going? That cost too was broken down between the 7 siblings. The parents put in a portion and the rest divided. I told one of my sisters that since the house was paid for why not just take some equity out of the home to repair the floor? She agreed with me but said our parents would never do that. My oldest sister came to me and another brother and wanted us to sign a document and my daughter notarize it promising to pay our portion of the repairs which was roughly about $1500 per person. . I refused to sign it. A month or so later the repairs were finally done and this time I did give $100 towards the cost. Earlier this year I lost my job and it took me a few months to find new employment so that significantly drained my funds, not to mention my wife was trying to manage our household bills with her income. I haven't made another payment in a few weeks so this past Sun my sister pulled me to the side and said that I needed to make another payment on the debt.

My dilemma is this. Why should I have to keep paying to keep a roof over two grown men's heads, as well as our parents? Had it just been our parents in the house and something needed fixing or repaired I could see that as a totally different story given their situation. But in this case there are two grown men, in their 60s, who should be taking on the bulk of the responsibility to maintain the home THEY live in. I look at it this way. If the floor repair cost some $12k they should kick in half if not more, then the rest possibly split up, OR they kick in everything . . . . since they live there. Granted, they aren't well to do themselves. Both graduated high school but no other schooling after that so their employment opportunities down through the years have been limited to menial jobs like warehouse workers, moving company guys, delivery drivers, etc. When something breaks at my house nobody sends out a group text to say " we all need to chip in."

I love my parents and want to do everything I can to help them out but I honestly do not think I need to support a house for two other grown men when I have a house of my own. Given the parents are aging and probably won't be with us much longer it has already been determined that the home will be left to the 7 siblings equally but the two brothers will remain in the house. I told one of my sisters that down through the years our mom never showed the two brothers how to manage a household, pay bills, call a utility company to arrange service, deal with repair people, or even show them how to cook a meal for themselves. They do each pay our parents a small fee like $100 or so a week to live there so where else are you going to stay and get all the amenities for $400 or so a month? She still cooks meals every day for everyone in the house, does laundry every day, deal with dad and his health issues and even has to deal with her own health issues. My oldest sister like to use the excuse "well our parents have done so much for us down through the years so we shouldn't have a problem giving back." I agree with that to an extent. A few years ago mom totaled her car so she asked me to help her with the insurance claim and getting the car replaced. I handled everything. Spoke with the insurance company, dealt with the claim, and even did all the work with looking online and going to car lots to replace mom's car. Given her age I told her she didn't need to worry about monthly payments. She got a great settlement on her car so I took that money and bought her a newer (used) car outright. A few months later she told me that since I helped her replace her car after she passes away I would get the car. When dad retired he gave his truck to one of the sisters and there has been no arguments about it but I feel that when I get mom's car someone is going to have something to say about it.

Am I wrong that I feel that I shouldn't have to keep paying to keep a roof over the heads of two grown men in their 60s?

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@4thtwin,

The best way to keep your siblings from being all up in your business if you inherit the car is for your parents to have a written will, drafted with the assistance of an attorney, notarized, the whole shebang.

That way, if they end up complaining, you and the probate court can tell them to go pound sand.

As for paying for a roof over your parents' heads, etc. Your sister has probably realized that if the parental home is in disrepair, it'll become unsafe. And your folks will potentially be better off in assisted or independent living (both of which are very costly no matter where you are) or with aides (also costly). Or, your folks will end up living with one of their children. Your sister's probably worried that it'll be her.

So, if you wish to maintain ties with your family, make a choice on what you think you may want to help cover. Because I can more or less guarantee that your folks are going to need some form of help, and that it will be costly. If you want to keep your familial relationships, then recognize that you're paying now, or you're paying later (aging in the US is the ultimate money pit). But if you don't care about keeping a relationship with your family, then feel free to wash your hands of it. I can't speak for whether you'll feel guilty, or if they will judge you. You might, and they probably will. So, if you go that route, understand what it entails.

Also, not for nothing, but if your mother is in her 80s, then she probably shouldn't be your dad's caregiver anymore. Are either of your brothers who live there helping her? If they are, then great! If not, then you and your siblings should probably have what in the world of work is often called a "come to Jesus meeting", where all of you inform the brothers that party time is over, and your parents need help. They can either step up and physically help, or they can help pay for it. The latter undoubtedly means they'll need to get jobs.

Why am I saying this? Because caregiving is stressful, and if your mother keeps this up, she is punching a one-way ticket to a stress-related disease or injury, like a heart attack or stroke or a hip fracture if she falls while trying to care for him.

Regardless of how you may feel about your siblings or about your own personal financial situation, I would strongly suggest that you at least find a way to help with getting your mother some relief. Because if you (and I mean all of you siblings, not just you, personally) don't, then you won't be dealing with just one parent who needs care.

You'll be dealing with two.

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@jespah,

I'll see if I can tackle these in order.

When it comes to mom's car the decisions has already been made and one other sister is already aware of it. No, we're bot big "will" people or getting things notarized. Like I said, when I dad had to stop driving he had always said that his retirement truck would go to one of the other sisters and that's what happened. Not once has there ever been an issue. When our grandmother passed a number of years ago she had already decided who would get what. A week or so after he death when we were cleaning out her senior living apartment everyone took what they were supposed to. I don't see much controversy over mom's car but I do feel there will be some murmuring about it.

And the home is not in disrepair, it just needs regular maintenance from time to time. My biggest issue is that there are two grown mem who still live there. I see it going into disrepair after our parents are gone because at that point mom and dad will be gone and it'll just be 2 of our brothers there. I again, just refuse to keep repairing a house for two other grown men when I have my own home to deal with.

Yes, I understand it's the "family home" but it's not like the house is just sitting there vacant. Two grown men live there. Again, are we supposed to cook for them when the parents are gone. Should we always chip in to pay the insurance when the parents are gone? If the hot water heater or the AC goes on the fritz should we now pass the collection plate around? There comes a point when one must say, "you are grown, figure it out."

Mom is in her late 70s and he is handling keeping dad taken care of. The brothers still there don't really help out much because mom prefers to do it on her own. I've told her that she needs to make them do more but she would rather do it herself so she can know it's done, right. Years ago back when the ceiling fell in the one room one of the other brothers didn't even get out of his chair to come see what the ruckus was and not once did he grab a broom or trash bag to help clean up the mess. He just sat in his chair in his room and continued to watch whatever sport was on the TV.

Maybe it's the principle of the matter for me. I do not want to continue to pay the living expenses for two grown men who are not dealing with any mental incapabilities.

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@4thtwin,

Thank you. I appreciate the added info.

It's unfortunate that your brothers are basically just lazy bums. But I would still suggest a "come to Jesus meeting" with your siblings but not your mother. There are plenty of people who don't understand anything unless it is spelled out right in front of them.

IANAD and I don't want to pretend diagnose anyone from afar, but if either or both of your brothers turn out to be on the autism spectrum, then they literally do not get stuff unless it is broken down for them and clearly explained. Given that one of them didn't even get up when the ceiling fell in tells me this may be part of what's going on.

Mom's insistence on doing everything herself will get her into physical trouble one of these days. And, it's just plain not fair to her. She may insist but that's a bad way for her to go through life. Being able to delegate responsibilities is an important life skill.

One thing I found with my own parents is that they did not see their impairments and potential issues anywhere near as well as my brother and I did/do. As in, they would perform tag team driving because my father was losing his eyesight and my mother was getting more nervous about driving. So, they would tell each other that a stop sign was coming up, etc. Once my brother and I saw this for ourselves, we started to do all the driving whenever we were visiting. But that was only a few weeks out of the year. They got tickets (moving violations) before they finally surrendered their car.

So, recognize that Mom's judgment about this may not be the best. It's also not doing your brothers any favors. Without training them how to do anything, what are they going to do when she's gone? I recognize you don't want to feed them, and I respect that. But without tools with which to cook, budget, look for work, care for a home, they are being set up for failure.

It could even be as simple as asking them, "What do you need to understand how to do, in order to best help out Mom and Dad?"

You'll never know unless you ask.

1 Reply

@jespah,

This is Barry2021, the perpetual whiner about his life, wife, step kids, brothers, sisters, mom, dad and any one else who seems to piss him off at any given moment.

He wants no advice, no solutions and mass amount of space to type out his bemusings of what he thinks is owed to him.

My advice? Nope, not going there.

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@4thtwin,

"...throughout the years, it seems that anytime something breaks or needs repairing at the house the oldest sister likes to rally the troops and make everyone chip in to fix what is needed" -- does the bolded part include the two bums living at the house?

" I told one of my sisters that down through the years our mom never showed the two brothers how to manage a household, pay bills, call a utility company to arrange service, deal with repair people, or even show them how to cook a meal for themselves. "

A person shouldn't need to be told how to do all those things - they're all easy enough to figure out if they don't have "mental incapacities", to use your phrase.

Have you asked your brothers what they're going to do about all the house costs when your parents aren't living in it anymore? What is your brothers' excuse/s)? What have they said about all of this? Does your bossy sister expect to keep fixing up that house when your parents are not living in it?

Sell the home and buy them a small apartment. That way, no repairs (hopefully) and no lazy brothers living there.

Good luck.

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Am I obligated to pay for them (not all of them though)

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