ISO advice with our marriage on life supprt

Reply Thu 30 May, 2024 12:46 am
My wife and I have been married for over a year and a half. She recently gave birth to our son. We fought constantly during our engagement and at the beginning of our marriage I hid the fact I was using nicotine pouches. Our second night of our honeymoon I drank too much wine and forced myself on my wife. I don’t remember it happening or if I was trying to coax her into sex but she told me no quite a few times. She didn’t tell me for months and when she finally did I was so disgusted with myself and trying to process how I let such a thing happen I neglected her further. I was afraid to touch her or be intimate with her. I’ve told her everytime it’s come up just how sorry I am and how it should’ve never happened and that I’d never let it happen again. Now after a year and half it’s still a big subject and I don’t think she’s ever really started to try and forgive me. I fully understand something this heavy doesn’t have a timer. As a result of that she started abusing me physically and mentally. Talking down to me, bringing our 15 yr old into our martial matters, taking my house keys, wedding ring, locking me out of the house, keeping me from taking showers and eating sometimes. I started becoming a sarcastic asshole when I lose my temper and say unkind things. We’re both partially checked out of our marriage but I keep trying to work things out with her. We are at a point now where she wants me to tell her dad the horrible things that happened. Because she is tired of how things continue to be. That I broke her trust and her parents trust when he gave me her hand in marriage. I’m at a total loss as to what to do. She is adamant I talk to her dad if we are to continue to be married but I don’t see how this will fix anything. I think is talking to our marriage counselor is the necessary first step. Any advice?
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Reply Thu 30 May, 2024 11:32 am
Good lord, I hardly know where to start.

Nothing productive is going to come from involving her parents. What does she imagine will happen? She'll get partners in abusing you, or something? It certainly looks as if she's assembling a team. But for what? She doesn't need a team to get a divorce, if that's what she wants. She just needs a lawyer and some cash to pay for one.

I'm not even so sure if, in the US (you may not be in the US, so take this statement for what it's worth), if she would need this much corroboration to get you put on the sex offender list. And that would be the kind of revenge that would clearly come back to bite her, seeing as it would likely severely restrict your employment prospects for the remainder of your days.

I offer no excuses for your honeymoon behavior but I also offer none for hers since then. Your 15 year old (another son? daughter?)'s inclusion in all this is even worse. They're a minor, and this is all well beyond their pay grade.

Since this child is 15, I have to believe you have known your wife for at least 16 years. And nothing led you to believe that she would behave this way, even under such circumstances?

I think talking to a counselor is generally a good idea, but I don't know what you want to save, or why you think it should be saved in the first place. You could each use counseling to work out your own roles in this sordid little drama. But to stay together? Personally, I would be continually wondering when the other shoe would be dropping again.

I also think it imparts a terrible lesson to your elder child, that if you're nasty and vindictive enough, you'll eventually get your way.

Life doesn't have to be this way.
Reply Thu 30 May, 2024 12:44 pm
Am I missing something or does the math not work?

"My wife and I have been married for over a year and a half. She recently gave birth to our son. .... Talking down to me, bringing our 15 yr old into our martial matters,..

If you were married for a year and a half and she just gave birth to your son, how is he 15 years old?

edited ... Ok so if jespah is correct then this is a second older child? I agree it makes no sense to involve any parents; it is none of their business and is likely to simply cause your step parents to dislike you which would be counterproductive if you as a couple can resolve this.

This is your problem as a couple. I do agree with you on marriage counseling as this is a complete mess, but you would need to convince your partner to this. The only way I see to save this marriage is to get help from a professional.

Reply Thu 30 May, 2024 02:28 pm
I really wish I had the patience of the other posters, but I would be making plans for a divorce. Perhaps because my first husband was a violent punishing jerk, but that was me. The night he tried to kill me was the last night I ever stayed under the same roof again. I've been divorced from him for 49 years and I still occasionally have terrifying nightmares.

But the others are correct, perhaps a counselor could help you. I hope you have good luck.
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Reply Wed 5 Jun, 2024 10:31 am
Sorry I should’ve clarified a bit better. The 15 yr old is my step son. Her son from a previous marriage. We’ve talked to her parents in the past for guidance and advice but this time is different. Since her father gave her to me and I’ve treated her badly she deems is adequate that I reveal the bad things to him as the first step of fixing our marriage, and find out if he still would want to give me his blessing today. That she is forever his daughter and a father wants the best for his daughter. Fully understand that I just don’t get that because I broke his trust how that ties into our marriage.
Reply Wed 5 Jun, 2024 10:32 am
Sorry I should’ve clarified better. The 15 yr old is my step son. Her son from a previous marriage.
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Reply Wed 5 Jun, 2024 10:33 am
Ah, thank you, that makes it more understandable.

I am sorry this is happening. I would be cutting my losses and running if I were you. I don't honestly think there's anything worth saving.
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