The wounds are still hurting and fresh

It's been 3 weeks since a person that I thought really cared and loved me "ghosted" me.

It still hurts everyday...It doesn't help any that we live in close proximity to one another.

It doesn't help that unless one of us passes or moves...we'll have to see and randomly bump into one another for the remainder of our lives.

No matter how many times I try to move on and think I'm making slight progress...All the emotions and hurt come flooding back...

I can't even enjoy looking out of my window as I often did to relax...because most of the time I do, I see him either coming or going.

My anxieties flare up and I have mini panic attacks when it gets closer to the time he is due home from work.

I feel used, ugly, disgusting, and disposable. Maybe it's my fault he lied and ghosted me.

I feel like he fetishized me, and used me to experience someone from a different culture, country, and disabled..who's convient and lonely.

All the women he follows on social media (before I blocked him) are of the same culture as him, big boobs, in shape, feminine, nicely styled, head full of hair, nice clothes, nice teeth etc... poloar opposites of me.

Maybe if I looked like them, and had an actual engaging life, he wouldn't have dropped me.

It bothers me that he is unaffected. He's cheery and happy. Walks around smiling. Had a good time with friends over his place last weekend. .

It doesn't help that he leaves the window either open, or in a highly visible state, with the lights on when he's home.

I feel bamboozled. I just want a happy ending with someone who genuinely cares for me.

I had to endure a life of misery and pain, where's my happy ending to make up or convince me the suffering was worth it in the end??

Everyone that I've ever dated has done this to me. Pretended, ghosted me, some discarded me, and quickly got in relationships that lead to marriage.

I'm tired of being taken for a fool and a toy.

I guess I'm everyone's crash test dummy



I feel deep shame and embarrassment.