I feel like I'm in it alone.

I don't know where or how to begin but I've been with my husband for 5 years now. We've always had a turbulent history and our communication has always been broken. I come from a trauma filled background and I have trouble stating boundaries and that's followed me into my relationships. When my partner gets upset there is always a pattern in which he turns very angry and cold, ignores me and each time I attempt to have a discussion and hear him out or understand the situation he refuses to meet me halfway and talk and will get even more upset. There's also no short cool off period for him. The worst for me has been the silent treatment as a response to our arguments, if you can even call them that as it's only a one way conversation.
The silent treatment would start with a few hours, a day or two and would entail me apologizing. Then it would go a week,two weeks and most recently 4 weeks. Throughout the years this has caused me more harm and distress than I can begin to express. I walk around afraid to do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing. Anytime I want to defend or explain myself in response to a misunderstanding or him getting upset over something I go through it in my head constantly and there's never a time when it sounds good, there's never a time when I feel emotionally safe to speak my emotions.
I feel very alone in this all as I'm always the one at fault, I'm always the bad guy.
The other night he received a call late at night and I couldn't see who it was but I noticed a photo was assigned to this contact and I never saw that on another else apart from me. I couldn't tell if it was a man or woman, I didn't make assumptions.
To be honest with you I had a moment where my mood dipped, I felt anxious and I felt left out because he always refers to this person has his doctor friend. Never gives a name( I've never asked) and hasn't mentioned anything regarding their history minus one comment made where he said he doesn't feel comfortable to share. So last night when I asked who it was and he again answered " My doctor friend", I got triggered. I wasn't upset, I was just sad and because I feel something but don't feel safe to express myself I get overloaded and overwhelmed and I clam up. So even though I didn't get angry or make any comments or invade his privacy in any way in that situation, I left the room and turned quiet. I tried to let it go and when he came into the room I was quiet and focused on reading a work email. When he suspects I'm bothered by something he'll always take a tone and say " what's wrong with you?". That does not make it easy to open up as I already feel his annoyance brewing. So I get stuck because I want to be open and honest, I want to share and talk about things but when I know his tempermant gets to an extreme, I am unable to go forward with it.

I will admit I have acted jealous in certain situations but it stems from him disrespecting me or giving me the silent treatment and watching him treat others better, including women. So some of my actions or words may not be correct but I do think he holds accountability as well, though it's never a topic I was able to bring up.
I've never accused him of cheating, I've never snooped through this phone- I don't even have the password. We don't have each other on social media and I've never questioned him about the people or women in his life. There have been times where I've heard a text and asked who it was, but it never went beyond that and that was years ago. He might certainly catch on to me reacting in some way or another, even when I'm trying not to, and he might take that as jealous, insecurities or me having a problem with certain individuals but I know from my side it stems from being treated so low and seeing him act like an entirely different person with others. How could I not be envious, jealous, insecure or even upset?

I spent the entire day trying to get through my work day while having this on my mind and have severe anxiety to walk back into our home and not know what awaits me.
A part of me feels like saying sorry should be enough to move on and not let this continue over 24HRS. Another part also questions why I have to say sorry to begin with. I deserve an apology as well for having him refuse to talk and shut me out, for ignoring my texts today, for swearing at me.
In my head I just want to simply be the bigger person and say" I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, when this person was brought up it made me think back to something you said in the past. I wasn't angry, I was just feeling down at the thought of you maybe still feeling like you can't be transparent. I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt". I feel like that should be enough and in an ideal situation he'd calm down or also acknowledge him feeling sorry for swearing at me or not allowing us to discuss things. However I know that won't be the case.

Does anyone have experience dealing with these situations and behaviors in their marriage?
I know my lack of communication and talking things out is just ruining the relationship but I am genuinely scared to mention anything at all.
Your advice is truly welcomed. Thanks,

C