The older I get, the more I wonder whether my mother is truly a good person.

Ignoring MY (20M) personal relationship with her (54), and just going off of what I know about her personality and her history, makes me wonder more and more how good of a person my mother is the older I get.

I could write a whole novel on everything wrong with her from throughout her adult life history, but to sum it up with bullet points:

She cheated on her high school sweetheart boyfriend while she was in the Navy and got pregnant with my older sister, then tried to have him clean up the mess and help raise her when she moved back home (my sister didn't even know her real dad existed until she was 17). They were together for about 2 1/2 more years and had my now 32yo brother together, and then she broke up with him when he developed a drinking problem because his girlfriend essentially fucked another dude and left him to raise another man's seed (how do you think that feels, as a man)?

Both my grandma and my mom's sisters agree that my mom's problem with men is not knowing when to shut up and driving them nuts. She basically derives her sense of self-worth from looking down and being better than others and asks a lot of those rhetorical "what, huh?" questions to incite arguments and tear people down, even doing this to her own kids.

She spent the next several years while my older brother and sister were little kids dating man, after man, after man, all ending in the same way: she drove them nuts with her constant arguing and yammering to the point where they either 1) ditched her, 2) had to drink alcohol or do drugs just to tolerate being around her, or 3) smacked her around. If it were one or two guys, it'd be one thing, but the fact that even her own mother and sisters say that about her says something to me.

When she and my dad were together (dated 4 years, married 9 years), she forced him to give up smoking weed and ice because she views "drugs" as being awful and for losers (which is true for ice, admittedly), but still spent her weekends going out and getting wasted at the bar at least every other weekend when I was a little kid (she was one of the people who didn't drink like every day, but only ever drank to get fucked up/wasted).

Once when I was 7, she told my dad she wanted to smoke weed while she was drunk and ended up puking after taking one hit, and my dad's basic conclusion was "you never changed, you're still getting fucked up wasted after all these years, and you wanna penalize me for smoking what I wanna smoke? **** that **** already", and that's when he started getting high again.

Due to the 2008 real estate crash, my dad hadn't had a full time carpenter job for 2 years by 2011, and my mom told him if he wasn't gonna get a real job, he should just grow weed again, which he didn't wanna do since he went to jail the last time he grew weed in the 1990s (they started dating when he got out), but decided to do so anyway since he assumed that's what she wanted. After she saw the patch he was growing, she got extremely pissed at him for doing it, and that, combined with now being on ice again, caused my dad to finally get fed up with her bullshit and go crazy with rage, which lead to their divorce and him moving away, not even coming back to town to visit until almost a decade later.

When I was 10, she started dating a new man who was an old grouch who liked to insult people and be a general dick, which she got tired of by the time I was 12. But she stayed with him until I was 17, just to have a house and man to support her (she even quit her HOA job when I was 11 just to live on his dime for the next five years). Only other option was move in with grandma, which we ended up doing on three separate occasions (none of which lasted more than a month).

Then, when I was 17, she moved into the manager's suite at the condo resort she worked at when I was a kid, which is where she and I live today, after getting her old job back and being promoted to manager. A lot of homeowners and residents can't stand her because she spent the HOA's funds prettying up the pool cabana and renovating our suite while staircases are rotting and falling apart in the residents' three-story buildings, spent $35K of their money on a pickup truck that "no one but your fuckin' mommy drives" (as one resident put it to me), and patrols the place looking for petty reasons to scold and fine as much people as possible (too much people at the pool, hanging clothes/towels on the balcony, even running after cars who don't sign in at the front desk).

Even workers can't stand dealing with her (for reasons described in bullet no. 2), and there's always people either quitting or getting fired at least every month. It gets to the point where people burn rubber past our suite, and we even recently got our house egged, literally.

Meanwhile, she moved out from his house, yet she still continues to date this man on the side, even hiring him to do maintenance and repair jobs for the place. At the same time, for the past two years, she's been sleeping around again and cheating on him with one of her exes from the 1990s (which I tend to let slide because her BF is kinda a grouchy dick, as previously said). At this point, how do I know she wasn't doing the same thing with my dad when they were together? Maybe there was more to his anger and being fed up than just being high again.

And this is supposed to be my example of what a good woman is. ****, she's probably why my view of women is so messed up today as it is. What do you think?