My relationship with my mother is terrible.

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Hi all. I (24f) have a very bad relationship with my mother (46f). Basically since my parents’ divorce two years ago my mother and I have only spoken maybe three times. The reason is that I found out that my mom had cheated on my dad for the last year or so of their marriage with the man she is currently involved with.
This really hurt me because I saw how it affected my father, who I think still loved my mother a great deal. He tried to get her to come back to him but I know she was quite awful to him during the time after he found out about her affair. Her behavior was like she didn’t care who she was hurting. She was going to have this new relationship no matter what she destroyed to get it.

She and I had a huge fight one night when she called me to ask if I’d be interested in meeting her and this man for dinner because she wanted me to meet him! I went off on her and we exchanged some pretty harsh words.

So we haven’t spoken much since. I also know she really doesn’t talk to my brother who is currently enlisted in the navy and is in Japan at the moment. Recently my mom reached out to me with a long chatty email as if we had last spoken last week, part of me suspected that she was trying to dig for clues about my dad’s new relationship. I just found it suspicious that not long after my father introduced me to this woman he started dating that my mom suddenly emails me out of the blue.

I would like to have a relationship with my mom but I need to set some real boundaries with her. I mean like I don’t want to talk about this man she lives with at all, have no interest in meeting him and don’t want him involved with my life in any way. Would setting a boundary like that be too much? Is it asking too much?

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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 702 • Replies: 5

[+3] - jespah - 05/11/2023I don't think it's too much but recognize that even if she agrees to not discuss the guy or have him meet you, she may forget, either deliberately or for real. So, here's a draft of an email...

@Boriqua-Jess-99,

I don't think it's too much but recognize that even if she agrees to not discuss the guy or have him meet you, she may forget, either deliberately or for real.

So, here's a draft of an email (send or not, change or not - doesn't bother me either way Smile

) ~

Quote:

Dear Mom,

Thank you for your note.

I want to make a few things clear about you and me. And about Dad and Affair Partner Dude (APD).

It's been a couple of years, but it's still very raw to me. I do not wish to talk about APD and I do not want to meet him. Please respect my wishes in this matter.

As for Dad and how he is, you can always contact him directly. But I will not be a go-between for either of you, and I will not gossip about you to him or about him to you. And, I have no doubt that the two of you can figure out some mutually acceptable manner to communicate.

It is going to take a while for everything to settle on my end. Like I said above, it's still quite raw. I don't have a timetable for feeling better and I would appreciate not being rushed.

I wish you peace in your life. In fact, I wish that for all of us.

Love,

{your name}

I would also suggest, if you have not already done so, to seriously pursue counseling, so you can work out what is essentially a form of trauma (IANAD).

But no matter what, you don't have to play telephone operator for either of them and you don't have to pretend that everything is fine.

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You sound pretty reasonable to me.

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@bobsal u1553115,

This is going to sound odd maybe but, I can’t seem to post a new topic in the forums? I was going to post this in the family forum and can’t figure out how to do that.

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@Boriqua-Jess-99,

You have to tag it family.

There should be a box saying tag this topic, only the OP (you) can tag it because others have abused the function.

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@Boriqua-Jess-99,

Hi! I am sorry you feel bad and had to deal with all of this. I do understand you are mad and sad and have all the emotions in between. Your Mom made a mistake in staying with your Dad and cheat on him. She could have spoken about her feelings and her intentions; it happens sometimes that people grow apart and wish for happiness they believe can get elsewhere. I get all that, but I do believe that moms should always put their kid's feelings, happiness, and well being before their own. In your case this did not really happen. I am glad your Dad has found a new happiness in his life (beside of you), and your Mom seems to be happy as well. Do you think you would feel better if you spoke to your Mom and talked about everything? You could tell her how you feel about her new man, and how you do not wish to be manipulated into anything. I think if you are open with her, it would make your relationship a little bit better and also you would feel really good being the smarter one and talk like adults to adults. Wish you all the best... you can do it! ;-)

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My relationship with my mother is terrible.

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