4
   

is the how our normal girlfriend behaves? have i lost my mind?

 
 
Reply Fri 24 Mar, 2023 01:10 pm
i was married to my ex wife for 15 years - but after the birth of our second child she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. i took care of her and loved her very much, until she went off her medicine and refused further treatments - it ended with a judge ordering her to leave our house. i spent three years in intense pain over the loss and am still suffering anxiety over both the loss and issues that i dealt with taking care of her for so long... i suppose it changed me as a person.

fast forward three years post divorce and i met an amazing girl... well, we fell completely in love... but it has been kinda rocky, well, a lot rocky. i moved abroad and am living in Russia and i have been talking to this girl for over a year now - from our first conversation we really hit it off and as it turns out it is beyond the scope of my ability to imagine how well suited we are for each other - or at least it feels like that often. that being said we are both an emotional wreck.

we share so much in common! she is stunning beautiful, never been married, has no children... she grew up on a farm and had a difficult childhood, yet reminisces a simple life in the village - i, also, have been trying to move in this direction. her education is unbelievable, having read nearly all Russian classical literature before even entering high school. but she moved to moscow for university and works there now, and herself dreams of returning to village life. we are both orthodox, have the same value system, like the same things, have the same sense of humor and can talk all night about the Russian soul and philosophy. she is extremely educated. basically she is my dream girl.

however! too good to be true... haha! it certainly seems as fate would yet deal another impossibly difficult situation that i must navigate myself through.

to begin with she is rather childish and loves to "provoke" (her own words) - this coupled with her sarcasm is hard for my wounded heart to deal with. not to mention that i am American and a very straight forward person - yes is yes, no is no. she rather likes to tease, and holds an extreme perspective of old world roles of men and women. in her mind, it is the responsibility of the man to win the girl over, to read her mind, to be teased... it is the responsibility of a man to understand that she means "yes" when she says "no"... furthermore, her idea is that words don't really matter - that i should preform in actions and see from her actions the reality that she loves me.

ok ok... kinda simple and manageable, kinda, but it gets crazy...

to make a long story short, 6 months into our relationship she told me that she was married. granted, it was an unhappy marriage and she did not even live with her husband anymore - but they remained married and hung out sometimes... when i found this out i told her that i was done, final, that is it! i even blocked her. but but but, she found a way to contact me, and she begged, said she could not live without me, that she has never met anyone like me before... and on, and on... and she actually divorced her husband - for me. she told him about me and they went and signed the divorce (in Russia it is very easy). so... i began again, and gave her a chance, but trust was nearly ruined, if not demolished... hope still remains i suppose...

but... it get crazier...

let me spell out the issues i am having - bearing in mind that i am somewhat traumatized from my first wife which was consumed with a chaotic mental illness.

tell me if i should run or that maybe i have met the love of my life. also, i should mention that all my pain disappeared with this girl - she is truly a dream to me. but its fire and gasoline at the same time - lots of pain, but a beautiful display as well. i am going to spell out the details of the problems i am having, but i should mention that there is an equal amount of "amazing" between us - its on or off, hot or cold, up or down, but never normal and never the middle path.

Everything based upon a lie – she was married and did not tell me. She compares me to her ex… She seems to crave attention from other men and she gets it, easy. I cannot begin to tell you the stories of other men who obsess over her. taxi drivers will call the taxi company after giving her a lift, just to get her number. All her ex boyfriends are completely obsessed with her, and she seems to like this... She lets me know about the other men who are interested in her. And and and, it seems like all her former relationships (four main ones) ended with her cheating. i met her on a dating site - while she was married!

I fear that she would cheat, that she would become bored with me, that my life would be too difficult for her. After all she is 14 years younger than me and i have three children... and she has this history of cheating...

I feel like i am either the enemy or the best thing that ever happened to her - no middle ground, no normal. She is very critical of me, she turns my complements into insults somehow. She has a great memory, but totally gaslights me and makes me begin to question my own sanity. Today she told me that despite how much she loves me that she could never marry me if i did not want to have children - yet i have talked to her for six months about how i so much want to have more children. She is excessively critical and i feel like nothing is ever good enough despite my efforts.

I guess it is due to the trust being so betrayed, but i never can tell if she is lying or being honest. It does not help that i commonly catch her in lies, and often about the smallest and most insignificant things. Everything that we build together in closeness can quickly and easily be discarded - its so hard to build a foundation of trust. she will lie about things that she knows i know to be a lie.

She has a fundamentally different concept of how relationships work than I do. She expects for me to “win” her in the face of constant criticism and rejection. She expects me to read her mind… No matter how hard I try she tells me that I don’t try… I am set to loose no matter what. Whatever I do is not enough, whatever I say is not right, and I simply cannot win. I feel like she will argue anything just for the sake of being right. Well, and i am stubborn too, yup... and a philosophy major, so...

I feel controlled by her, like being held in the corner and with a taste for punishment. I have never had anyone treat me like this… She will say things like, “if you don’t buy four waters I will never talk to you again.” I have never felt so insignificant in a relationship as I often do when she begins her incessant demands of me. I begin to feel like i am not allowed to think for myself. And if she does not get her way she can be very manipulative. She thinks she knows what is best for my children, she tells me how to run my business, she throws away things of mine that she does not like (without asking)... I feel that in arguments she knows she is wrong, but still argues because the core issue is control over me...

She has no problems willfully doing things to punish me, desiring to inflict pain, and remaining cold and calculating as she watches me suffer. And then, she can also be very empathetic... But its either delight in me suffering, or she wants to console me with kindness in an extreme way - back and forth.

Our conversations are often strained… We often do not have this natural rhythm in our relationship and it causes me to loose hope of finding a maintainable and normal way to enjoy life with her. This is especially true when we are talking on the phone. It is so hard to “get it right” in our conversation, despite my sincere attempts. And then, sometimes it is the easiest thing in the world...

She has no perspective of money. Her emotional stability and desires take precedent over the responsibility of work – and she also demands this of me. It does not seem grounded in reality and responsibility, and it is certainly not my way of being.

Because we cannot make it one single day without arguing, she always becomes greatly offended in some way. We break up all the time. She gets upset and makes absolute statements over the smallest details of something she does not like. But... if i do break up with her then she freaks out, begs, cries, and every time wiggles her way back...

Her fear of germs seems obsessive to me and likely would result in future problems… It would certainly be an issue with my daughters. She tells me that I am the crazy one, but I have never known anyone in all my life with such an obsessive fear of germs… And it does not even make sense, because she lets your dog walk everywhere in her flat, but I cannot even sit on the couch in clean pants… And i feel controlled with all the “wash your hands, don’t sit there, don’t touch that...” - as though she enjoys having this control.

She finds fault with everything that I do… The flowers are not enough, I never pay for anything (which i certainly do), my house is so dirty, I don’t do this right, I say the wrong things, I laugh too much, and on and on… I feel like I am only capable of turning in the wrong direction in her eyes… I am always expecting to hear how I messed up again… I have never had anyone complain about me in the things which she finds to be "too much".

She is back and forth between loving and hating me, because I am either the best or the worst in her eyes – never normal existence, only extremes. If I tell her that I cannot continue, that we need to stop, that I don’t see how we can have any future – then she will love bomb me, tell me I am the best, that I am perfect, that she cannot live without me, and on and on… She will not stop until she has me back. But… As soon as I am back it is a short time before she begins with disapproval.

She has left me in a foreign city, threatened me, made me to beg, slapped me in public, cussed me in public, make a scene, and seems to have no issue embarrassing me and showing to others that she has control.

She tells me that i am the most greedy and selfish person that she knows and that she despises people like me... but, she will also tell me that i am irresistible and the most intelligent person she has ever me, that she has never met anyone like me and cannot live without me.

Not to mention that my entire life has been turned upside down, I have become completely irresponsible and find myself constantly consumed with trying to maintain our relationship.

so... these are some of the issues i am having - i am sure there are more that i am forgetting haha. i don't know guys - it is hard for me to gauge having been a caretaker to someone with schizophrenia for ten years, and so maybe i don't know what normal is anymore.

this girl wants to get married by the way, and as previously stated she left her husband for me. its all so crazy. and the truth is that i love her, i have never ever ever met anyone like her - that is for sure... and i know i certainly have many faults - after all i am a product of the selfish entitled west... and an extrovert, and certainly too prideful... well, i understand that there is plenty for her to complain about...

goodness, if i am honest, i love this girl - the good is amazing, like nothing i have ever experienced... my daughters love her - and they were so against every other woman i dated after i lost my wife. should i stick it out, should i face my own demons and try to change the wretchedness of myself through self sacrifice and humility? or is she totally nuts and i am only setting myself up for a theatrical and painful ending which i may never recover from?

thanks for your consideration and kindness in taking the time to read my self obsessed attempt to beg for help.
  • Topic Stats
  • Top Replies
  • Link to this Topic
Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 378 • Replies: 4
No top replies

 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Mar, 2023 01:30 pm
"or is she totally nuts and i am only setting myself up for a theatrical and painful ending which i may never recover from?"

I agree with this part. Good luck with whatever you decide.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 26 Mar, 2023 03:10 pm
You lived an insane life for 15 years and even afterwards didn’t learn how to recognize a healthy relationship. You are re- living your past.

Is that what you want?
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sun 26 Mar, 2023 07:22 pm
@jchristopher,
Buckle up, buttercup. This is going to be harsh.

Quote:
... She has a great memory, but totally gaslights me and makes me begin to question my own sanity.
That's abusive behavior.

Quote:
She is excessively critical and i feel like nothing is ever good enough despite my efforts.
So is that.

Quote:
It does not help that i commonly catch her in lies, and often about the smallest and most insignificant things.
Not making a good case for her.

Quote:
She expects for me to “win” her in the face of constant criticism and rejection. She expects me to read her mind… No matter how hard I try she tells me that I don’t try… I am set to loose no matter what. Whatever I do is not enough, whatever I say is not right, and I simply cannot win. I feel like she will argue anything just for the sake of being right. Well, and i am stubborn too, yup... and a philosophy major, so...
Dude, my BA is in Philosophy and we don't all act like assholes.

Quote:
I feel controlled by her, like being held in the corner and with a taste for punishment.
This isn't even a dom/sub relationship. She's just mean.

Quote:
I have never felt so insignificant in a relationship as I often do when she begins her incessant demands of me. I begin to feel like i am not allowed to think for myself. And if she does not get her way she can be very manipulative. She thinks she knows what is best for my children, she tells me how to run my business, she throws away things of mine that she does not like (without asking)... I feel that in arguments she knows she is wrong, but still argues because the core issue is control over me...
Feeling insignificant in your relationship is not a good position to be in. I do hope you realize that.

Quote:
She has no problems willfully doing things to punish me, desiring to inflict pain, and remaining cold and calculating as she watches me suffer. And then, she can also be very empathetic... But its either delight in me suffering, or she wants to console me with kindness in an extreme way - back and forth.
This is classic abuser behavior. You will never please this monster, because the goalposts will be moving forever.

Quote:
She has no perspective of money. Her emotional stability and desires take precedent over the responsibility of work – and she also demands this of me. It does not seem grounded in reality and responsibility, and it is certainly not my way of being.
Oh, I bet she has no problems spending your rubles.

Quote:
Because we cannot make it one single day without arguing, she always becomes greatly offended in some way. We break up all the time. She gets upset and makes absolute statements over the smallest details of something she does not like. But... if i do break up with her then she freaks out, begs, cries, and every time wiggles her way back...
Very classic manipulative behavior. And exhausting, too.

Quote:
And i feel controlled with all the “wash your hands, don’t sit there, don’t touch that...” - as though she enjoys having this control.
Take out the word 'if' because it's not a conditional or a question. You know she enjoys this.

Quote:
She finds fault with everything that I do… The flowers are not enough, I never pay for anything (which i certainly do), my house is so dirty, I don’t do this right, I say the wrong things, I laugh too much, and on and on… I feel like I am only capable of turning in the wrong direction in her eyes… I am always expecting to hear how I messed up again… I have never had anyone complain about me in the things which she finds to be "too much".
How many years do you feel you'd like to put up with this horseshit?

Quote:
She is back and forth between loving and hating me, because I am either the best or the worst in her eyes – never normal existence, only extremes. If I tell her that I cannot continue, that we need to stop, that I don’t see how we can have any future – then she will love bomb {emphasis mine} me, tell me I am the best, that I am perfect, that she cannot live without me, and on and on… She will not stop until she has me back. But… As soon as I am back it is a short time before she begins with disapproval.
This, too, is classic abuser behavior, to be horrible until it seems as if the victim is about to leave, and then to love bomb them in an effort to get them to stay. I mean, she wouldn't want to lose her plaything, now, would she?

Quote:
She has left me in a foreign city, threatened me, made me to beg, slapped me in public, cussed me in public, make a scene, and seems to have no issue embarrassing me and showing to others that she has control.
Again, abuse.

Quote:
She tells me that i am the most greedy and selfish person that she knows and that she despises people like me... but, she will also tell me that i am irresistible and the most intelligent person she has ever me, that she has never met anyone like me and cannot live without me.

Not to mention that my entire life has been turned upside down, I have become completely irresponsible and find myself constantly consumed with trying to maintain our relationship.
You will end up losing your job and, perhaps, custody of your children, if this **** keeps up.

Quote:
and the truth is that i love her, i have never ever ever met anyone like her - that is for sure... and i know i certainly have many faults - after all i am a product of the selfish entitled west... and an extrovert, and certainly too prideful... well, i understand that there is plenty for her to complain about...
Quit justifying her abuse of you, and for God's sake don't blame it on the west. This is all her.

Quote:
goodness, if i am honest, i love this girl - the good is amazing, like nothing i have ever experienced... my daughters love her - and they were so against every other woman i dated after i lost my wife.
This is a terrible situation for your daughters. They are going to learn that if they shake their ass the right way, or give a blow job, or look cute enough, that they can get away with anything.

Quote:
should i stick it out, should i face my own demons and try to change the wretchedness of myself through self sacrifice and humility? or is she totally nuts and i am only setting myself up for a theatrical and painful ending which i may never recover from?
Oh FFS, you're being manipulated and abused.

No, this is not normal behavior.

Stop thinking with your dick and start using your brain. What would you tell a friend of yours if this was happening to him?

No, wait, I bet you're not allowed to have any friends, or are required to throw them over for her. Because it's all about her fun, her games, her manipulation.

So far, I have read absolutely nothing positive about this.

You're not the first guy to have been led around by the dick by someone. But this is world class worse.

She's a lying, manipulative, cheating, abusive sack of **** in a pretty body.

How would you behave if she was in the body of someone you don't find attractive?

I get the feeling you'd see things a lot differently. Because **** with glitter on it is still ****.

Please get out before you impart any more nasty life lessons to your daughters, or hand over custody of them to someone who's responsible if you want to be what she wipes her feet on for the rest of your days.
jchristopher
 
  1  
Reply Sun 26 Mar, 2023 10:40 pm
@jespah,
not harsh at all, very helpful - spasibo!!

wow, yes, this - clarity!
"What would you tell a friend of yours if this was happening to him?"
and this:
"How would you behave if she was in the body of someone you don't find attractive?"

i completely agree with you, only this is not accurate:
"Oh, I bet she has no problems spending your rubles."
actually, she has probably spent twice as much on my family as i have spent on her... granted... it was not, per say, her hard earned money, but rather from her husbands bank account... which is just another sign of such poor integrity and character that i should realize the insanity of having anything to do with her at all...

i know what i both have to and will do... there has been a lot of back and forth in our relationship. as for myself, i am stubborn enough to not have caved completely to her - and she knows it, and knows that it is not going to happen. in fact, it seems like the more i have the mentality that i have nothing to loose the more desperate she gets for me... the more authority and control i assert over her the better she responds... crazy. so strange to me. so this is how i have behaved for the past three months, once i became convinced that my patience and kindness were simply taken advantage of... all in all, it is a crazy situation - temptation, addiction, hope, but still clear what i have to do...

i am actually going to see her today... and it may sound strange, but part of me is looking forward to seeing her, to enjoying time together... and part of me is looking forward to her having another "fit" so that i can present her with justifiable cause of why she is getting blocked and ghosted.
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

 
  1. Forums
  2. » is the how our normal girlfriend behaves? have i lost my mind?
Copyright © 2024 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.04 seconds on 04/18/2024 at 01:32:45