Why do these strange girls passionately hate me but fanatically love those nerdy boys?

Hello! I am a 36-year old depressed male. From the time I was born and when I was young, especially in middle-school and highschool, I often got into many sorts of trouble and broke many rules.

I often pick fights with a lot of people both weaklings and strong ones and both bad people and good people. I was a testosterone-filled tough guy.

I have to admit that I also serially bullied a few students in middle-school and highschool. The ones that I serially bullied were an emo guy, a deaf boy, and a cultural racial foreign boy who never assimilated one bit to American culture.

I was a very mean and selfish guy. I only cared about myself and never developed attachments towards any human being.

I have used and discarded a lot of people like they're just nothing but a bunch of objects to me.

This doesn't mean that I never had friends. In fact, I was very popular in middle-school, highschool, and college.

During middle-school and highschool, I was part of the popular kids. I had many people who defended me from others. I also had a lot of girlfriends but I cheated on all of them with many girls by having sex with other girls behind their backs.

I was also the captain of my highschool's gridiron football team. I was very good at gridiron football.

I did a lot of drugs and drank lots of alcohol in highschool and college and also had many casual sexual encounters during those times. As for the college part, that's because I was part of a college fraternity. I was living a Greek life at that time.

So yeah, I was a shitbag for most of my adolescent life. But many people still loved and feared me. This is why I have many friends, allies, and assistants who gleefully helped me in bullying my victims in highschool and middle-school. I even mobilized an entire highschool class in bullying one of my victims. He suffered so much depression because of that. No one was friends with my victims and everyone in the middle-school and the highschool that I attended became my enablers and my fanatical battalions of foot soldiers against my victims that they everyone hated. Everyone hated my victims because of me. I even turned the cousins and siblings of my victims into my soldiers against my victims. No wonder why my victims extremely hated their cousins and siblings far more than me during adulthood no matter how much their siblings and cousins apologized to them and want to go back to being family to them. I don't think my victims will ever forgive their cousins and siblings. It seems like it's very clear that my victims will take the vehement hatred that they have for their siblings and their cousins to their graves.

Yeah, I was a total piece of **** bastard. I turned families against each other. I turned friends against each other. I destroyed relationships. I perverted healthy social lives. I was the scum of the Earth.

But for some reason, people still like me even to the point of worshiping me as a god even though I was a scum. Also, I never raped any girl when I was a college frat boy but rumors that I did spread not just to the whole university but also to a whole town and almost a whole city county. Yet despite all these, many people still like and respect me and I still also scored a lot of chicks who are even willing to be my wives.

Due to this, I became even more arrogant when it comes to my bad boy behavior. I thought I was invincible and very important.

Even good girls liked and respected me. These good girls are devout conservative Christian girls who read the Bible often and always go to Church. Some of them became my girlfriends and also had sex with me despite knowing that I am an asshole.

And no, my friends and girlfriends didn't just include popular kids, cool kids, or assholes but also included a lot of normal ordinary “decent” people.

It made me think that everyone loves me and that I own the whole world.

That is until during my 20s, I met these strange types of girls in their 20s. They are different from most people I saw.

They're not shy, meek, or timid but they are often willingly quiet and willingly solitary. They don't hate the world to be honest but they are just happy to keep to themselves.

They are truly good individuals. They are also the smartest and the most rational human beings I have ever seen in my entire life. Most of them have STEM(Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) college degrees and some of them even went to MIT and Caltech.

They are also fairly attractive.

I will categorize them into these three types:

1. Nerd girls

2. Library girls

3. Introvert girls

4. Overly rational girls

5. Individualistic girls

_____________

When I met them, I was very arrogant of myself so I tried befriending and dating them as a bad boy while thinking to myself that I will cheat on them but they just mocked and avoided me like I am some kind of disease. Some of them even got physical against me. Even after I tried using the nice guy ways, these quiet girls still despised me and think that I am hopeless. They are very bigoted towards me.

I was shocked.

I was hurt. It almost destroyed my self-esteem. I was thinking that I was the king of the world only for these strange quiet females to bring me down to Earth and remind me that I am just another flawed vulnerable human being.

I can really tell that they despised me and have no respect for me to the very core. When I am near them, I feel like an impoverished worthless miserable outcast slave even though I am not really an outcast, a poor person, or a slave. At that time, I asked myself, “Is this what it feels to be bullied, rejected, and ostracized?” At that point, I realized the extreme damage that I inflicted on my victims that I bullied in middle-school and highschool.

When I was near them, these girls serially insulted and verbally humiliated me so much that it even made me physically hit them. When I hit them, they just laughed it off.

But what puzzled and shocked me even more is that whenever nerdy boys are around, these girls love and respect nerdy boys and even became the nerdy boys' faithful girlfriends and wives. The nerdy boys also had lots of sex with these strange quiet girls.

How is this possible? Aren't all women into assholes, players, and thugs? Aren't every single female into macho alpha males? Nerd girls, Library girls, Introvert girls, Overly rational girls, and Individualistic girls really hate me. I thought it was only me but they actually hate and avoid all alpha male brutes in general such as bullies, thugs, players, and gangsters.

I can really tell that Nerd girls, Library girls, Introvert girls, Overly rational girls, and Individualistic girls are the only true good girls that exist in this world. Why? Because I know people like them during middle-school and highschool. The ones that I know to be like them weren't bullied or ostracized during highschool and middle-school because they were able to masquerade as normal social people and again, they are also fairly attractive.

Yet despite all of these, all of the Nerd girls, Library girls, Introvert girls, Overly rational girls, and Individualistic girls that I saw in my whole life never engaged in bullying, doing drugs, drinking, casual sex, casual hook-ups, academic laziness, disrespectfulness, and enabling bullying.

I can also tell that nerdy boys’ long-term romantic platonic relationships with Nerd girls, Library girls, Introvert girls, Overly rational girls, and Individualistic girls tend to be the longest and most successful relationships I have ever seen in my whole life and also tend to be wholesome while most normal social people, most popular cool people, and most assholes that I see and know in their 20s cheat on each other, have extramarital affairs, divorce each other, fight their spouses, become single mothers, and become deadbeat dads.

All of the Nerd girls, Library girls, Introvert girls, Overly rational girls, and Individualistic girls that I know never cheated on or separated from their nerdy boys spouses.

Then I realized all of these things below:

As for ordinary normal girls, I found them to also not be good deep down. I am not talking about conservative Christian girls but just your average girl. They are not good because if they are, they wouldn't even be friends with me or enable my bullying ways. But these normal girls always supported my bullying ways. These girls also engaged in casual sex, casual hook-ups, doing drugs, academic failure, romantic cheating, bullying, drinking alcohol, and enabling and assisting my bullying ways. They laughed at and mocked my bullying victims.

Honestly, average girls and average males are no different from high school popular kids, cool kids, and assholes. Like high school popular kids, cool kids, and assholes, average people(males and females) in general are also just as obsessed with status and hierarchy and worship those who possess dark triad personality traits.

The only difference between the average person and a popular cool confident asshole is that the asshole has the balls to do the evil shits he or she does and admit to themselves that they are assholes themselves while the average person is a hypocrite who has no balls to do it and needs a crowd and an asshole leader to lead him or her into doing evil stuff. This is also why most of the people who participated in genocides all over the world and history are actually normal “decent” people and are not really thugs.

Also, the conservative Christian Church going “good” girls that dated, befriended, or know, are also not really good. They enabled and assisted my bullying ways. They laughed at my victims. They also engaged in casual sex, casual hook-ups, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and academic failure after they finally separated from their strict Christian parents.

So yeah, I can say that Nerd girls, Library girls, Introvert girls, Overly rational girls, and Individualistic girls are really the only true good girls who exist in reality.

Then after that, I realized that the only reason why people worship and like me is not because I am a strong good person but only because I am an evil predatory piece of ****.

I realized that society worships and elevates narcissistic predatory individuals with dark triad personality traits. This is why most corporate elites and most politicians are psychopaths and sociopaths.

It's probably because deep down, we are just monkeys who evolved from older species of monkeys. Like all apes, all humans have this primal urge to associate with brutish evil savage ruthless predatory dumb males. Humans are animals deep down. Yes, I am an atheist. I don't believe in any god, any religion, or the supernatural.

I can't really say that I people loved me because they saw me as a strong good person. A proof of this is my time as the gridiron football captain of my former highschool's gridiron football team. Yes, I was the captain of that highschool sports team but I was not the best star footballer athlete of my highschool gridiron football team. It was another dude. To be honest, he is far more skilled than me. I was also scared of him because he was one of the few dudes who would fiercely stand up to me. He wasn't scared of me. He beat me up multiple times outside of school for harassing his little brother. I never intimidated him. But he wasn't an asshole like me. He was a good person. He never bullied anyone or enabled and assisted my bullying. I have never even seen him laugh at my victims. He had mostly a blank face with no interest in my bullying. He never engaged in doing drugs or alcohol. He was diligent when it came to school academics while I often failed my academic grades. He never cheated on his girlfriend. He also was never part of any group of popular kids. His social status is normal. He only had an average amount of friends compared to me who had legions of friends. He was also never friends with me knowing that I am a piece of **** who can negatively influence him. It's most likely because of his parents who were such a good influence on him while most American parents have no sense of responsibility towards their teen kids which is why most teens nowadays are easily swayed by and absorbed by bad crowds.

I realized that the only reason why people made me the highschool gridiron football captain was because I was a full-blown narcissistic asshole bully who loved to intimidate and control others so people think that I am the strongest dude around even though I am clearly not. The football captain should have been the star footballer. Not me. But he wasn't an asshole like me so people thought of him as not as less stronger than me.

Help me. I am depressed. It seems like people only love me for my status and my evil ways. It makes me feel less of a human.

I want to get some true love. I tried Nerd girls, Library girls, Introvert girls, Overly rational girls, and Individualistic girls but all of them just fanatically hate and avoid me and are too obsessed with nerdy boys.

Help. What should I do?.

Also, why do all of the Nerd girls, Library girls, Introvert girls, Overly rational girls, and Individualistic girls that I saw hate me and all alpha male bad boys but love nerdy boys? I know that I am an asshole but the hatred that those quiet females give me seems extremely too much.