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Need advice for low libido / sexual problems

 
 
Reply Sun 1 Mar, 2020 01:37 pm
Hi,
I am 21 years old and writing this because I really don´t know what else to do and maybe someone can help me in whatever way or has some kind of advice for me. Or maybe it´s just good for me to write it down once. I know it´s embarrassing considering my age, but I have never kissed anyone or had sex. I had the opportunity, but I chose not to because I felt that something was wrong with me sexually, but I don’t really understand what exactly. I think that my sex drive / libido is too low and I don’t know how to fix that. Because of that I am really afraid to have sex / try to have sex because I expect to fail really badly and I don’t want to do that to myself and more importantly to my partner.
But I don’t think that I am asexual for a few reasons. I masturbate, I used to watch porn and I always generally wanted to have sex. Nonetheless I feel that something is off, I just don’t really have a strong desire to have sex even when I am close to a girl I like. And as I said I am too afraid to just try it out, I fear that I might have problems with maintaining an erection or just being bad at it. I feel like that would be unfair to my partner.
I have stopped watching porn completely 5 months ago and although I feel like that helped a little, it´s not a steady process. Maybe I just need to wait longer and it will help me to get my libido back, who knows. Also I got my hormones checked like testosterone etc and everything was fine, I really hoped that that was just my problem. I could have dealt with that I guess.
Because of those problems I decided not to date anyone, because I don’t want to embarrass myself and I don’t want to make my problems the problems of someone else, especially when I really care about that person. I would really like to be in a relationship, but I feel like I cant before I have fixed these problems.
I have a female friend (who studies in a different city), who I have texted with for more than a year and slowly we have gotten closer, spent more time together, did little daytrips together etc. I really care about her. We started to hang out at my place and started cuddling which I really enjoyed and couldn’t say no to. Eventually she confessed to me that she had feelings for me, but doesn’t expect anything from me and that she feels that she is not really ready for a relationship because she has a few issues she needs to work on, she just wanted me to know. I told her that I am not ready for a relationship as well and that I feel that I would make her unhappy in the long run, and I never wanted that. So we decided not to change things between us, but we have grown closer since. This was 2 months ago. We even went on a short vacation together and had a great time.

Yesterday she asked me what my boundaries are on physical contact because she wants more and so I was forced to talk about some of problems (not very much in detail) which was very hard for me. She was very understanding and said that how things are is fine for now, but long term she wants / needs more (sex). I understand that and I don’t hold that against her at all, that’s normal, I am just the one with a problem. I told her that I don’t want to be a problem for her and that I can understand that / know that, and that I don’t want to be in her way.
So things haven’t really changed all that much for us in a way, but its really hard for me. I cried all day. I want to be with her, I want to want to have sex with her, I want more desire but I don’t know how. Its like watching a car accident in slow motion. Although we are not in relationship, we are more than friends. At the same time, I am just not enough for her, the way I am at the moment. And in a few weeks months, she will find someone who is and that’s good for her, but then she wont talk to me any more and it will make me extremely sad. I am pretty certain that’s how things will play out, but I decided to enjoy the time I have with her as much as I can and when she leaves me, I wont be mad at her and take my time to process that and grieve. But its really hard for me.
I have trouble talking about all of this, but I hope that someone has advice for me, what I could do. Maybe I am missing something. Thanks for reading, have a nice day.
 
PUNKEY
 
  4  
Reply Sun 1 Mar, 2020 03:42 pm
It seems you already have a mind set that you are going to “ make her unhappy in the long run.” If that’s your story you keep repeating to yourself, then yes, you are going to do just that. Stop telling yourself that.

You said you have “ cuddled” with her and both of you enjoyed that. She has indicated she wants to take that even further. Note that there are many steps to enjoy before couples get to intercourse, and you must be willing to share these together. (These “ steps” are missing in porn and perhaps you have been watching these unrealistic and exaggerated activities - not even lovemaking - thinking that’s the model for intimacy and it has scared you. )

There are many books and information on the web about intimacy and lovemaking that you might want to review. NOT porn, but honest discussions on how to make live, erotic zones and what lovemaking should be like between people who care about each other. A counselor may also help, even a sex therapist.

Do you want to make a self commitment to become sexually active? She sounds like she wants this kind of relationship with you. Let this girl know that you’d like to restart the relationship and are willing to spend time with her getting to know each other better physically. Friendship, exploration, then intimacy - together. Can’t get any better than that.

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OhHello
 
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Reply Mon 2 Mar, 2020 11:51 pm
@paul1998,
Hey Paul,
I don't know if your situation is normal or not but I can tell you that I have run into comparable problems at the same age about 10 years ago. Back then I got together with my girlfriend who I had known for some time and had been good friends with before getting closer and closer. So one day things got more serious and I set the mood, put on music lit some candles and prepared our first time having sex together. Everything went fine as I went down on her for the first time which she thoroughly enjoyed - so far so good. When she returned the favor, everything was fine as well. However, when we tried penetration, my trusty wiener, which had worked perfectly fine to that day, simply wouldn't work the way I intended it to and became flaccid inside of her. I had expected to climax quickly, however, not even getting there felt much worse since I also felt that my girlfriend might feel bad, too. We tried a couple of times without much luck.
That said we still had a bit fun but I was really concerned and stressed out, not knowing what to do about it. And to be honest I didn't really get any advice about it or consulted with anyone, which was probably pretty dumb. Anyway, my girlfriend didn't mind that much since my wiener kind of hurt inside of her anyway (not to brag about its size, it's only slightly above average - that's just the way she felt).
Anyway we continued with what we felt good about (oral sex) for the next couple of months until at some point I felt like giving it another shot and everything worked out fine. We knew each other's bodies quite well and I was not stressed anymore. Instead it felt really good. Unfortunately my girlfriend still initially feels pain during penetration but usually the pain doesn't last long. So from what you have written I would say that you have a great partner to ease your stress. There is more to sex than penetration and you seem to enjoy each other's company. It seems that many people, especially men, tend to exaggerate in terms of how much sex they have. In fact I would still want to be with my girlfriend who today is my wife even if we never had sex again - though I am happy that we do. The majority of my single male friends are not looking for a "girl to bang" but a companion who they can cuddle with, come home to and enjoy life with. It seems that you have found such a person and that she has taken your "confession" quite well. I am sure that pleasuring her without you needing to penetrate her won't be a problem and will be rewarding for you as well. Just massage her, kiss her neck, go down on her and so on. Maybe by the time you see how she enjoys your company and "services" you will regain your appetite, too.
And about you not watching porn anymore: There is something like watching too much porn and having no drive anymore, however, generally speaking if you watch porn like once a day or every two days you usually want more sex, not less. The same is true for having sex: if you have sex you'll want more sex.
Put your worries aside, talk to your lady friend about how you like her and that you enjoy being with her. Ask her if she would like to give it a go with you and try out what works best for both of you.
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