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Never thought I would crush again

 
 
Sim2335
 
Reply Thu 9 Mar, 2023 03:14 pm
After my last crush never thought it would happen again.

Anyway it has, so I’ve never had a girlfriend and have social anxiety,

I wasn’t even looking for love just looking to get close to a girl (like friends)get married and have kids.

Every week I go to this religious thing and saw her at some house programs no chance to talk anyway e got a chance to talk small talk what you do etc
The 2nd time simlair, however unless I prepare what to talk about my mind goes blank

The psychologist I’m seeing for social anxiety, said don’t prepare anything your mind shouldn’t go blank, if you prepare you putting too much pressure on yourslef.
Then I said should I ask about what music she likes, tell me about yourself what music do you like
He’s like no that would seem odd

But issue is if I don’t keep talking to her how on earth am I gona get comfortable with her.

He’s given me ideas like work in pub become a waiter, start doing diffent things like salsa one day badminton next etc, to improve your talking.
But this is all gona take ages

Rushing will just push them away, I don’t want to rush but I want her for sure.

My issues are as I may only see her once a month, if that how can I talk to her enough to feel comfortable.

know the number thing is a option but without anything built it’s diffclut asking meeting etc,
 
PoliteMight
 
  -2  
Reply Fri 10 Mar, 2023 06:28 am
@Sim2335,
You have to learn not to care. By that I do not mean to be lack of enthusiasm4 but be more hands on and do without thinking. Like needling a thread, or walking a tight-rope. You can not worship fear because that is not the way life is meant to be lived. AKA playing-if-safe is another way of saying "being-a-coward". Yes we must be cautious but thinking about things, and not acting will leave us in the dust without anything at all. If you do not embrace the world then you can not accomplish anything at all. Your alive so live, take chances, people want things and you do as well. Be free minded and try to enjoy what is taken for granted.

My classmate said this. "You know sometimes your in a shell, and you have to come out of it". Your this great person but nobody will ever know it, because your surrounded by a bunch of people stuck in a spot. You will never shine. You have people that

"looks"

Like if they have "good lives" despite their mentalities, method of thinking, and ability to get along with people. They speak poorly of others and live in fear, promoting fear, and demonizing their own families. but you want to

"be"

"A good life" have a positive outlook on the world, willing to put yourself out their, and actually get along with people. Speak highly of your own kind and actually take things from a logical perspective rather then swing into the negative. Always be positive no matter what the situation. Rather then distancing yourself from others.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 10 Mar, 2023 08:41 am
@Sim2335,
You can have crushes into your 90s and beyond. Many of us have hundreds of crushes over the courses of our lives. There's nothing wrong with that.

Crushes are not love.

They are wishes.

Love (the real thing, not the stuff of the movies) is not going to happen without knowing someone.

This means opening your mouth and speaking to them.

Personally, I think your psychologist is suffering from a lack of imagination. If a plan of what to talk about will help you, then by all means, make a plan!

But it doesn't have to be set in concrete. Keep it fluid.

So, your plan would look something like listening to (or reading) the news and picking out some interesting, noncontroversial stories. These can be things like what the James Webb Telescope has recently photographed, or something local where people or animals are helped or the area is improved or beautified. Maybe the roads are getting fixed, or there are more jobs, or ground was broken on a new museum in your area, or the animal shelter has emptied out because so many people want pets.

Google human interest stories near me, or good news stories near me if you are having trouble finding them.

These are not for you to memorize or to quiz her. They are the basis of a few springboards for conversation.

"Isn't it great that the bridge is getting fixed? I always feel like I'm taking my life in my hands when I drive over it, know what I mean?" "I saw there's a new show coming to the local art gallery. Who knew our town could attract an artist as big as ____?" "Did you hear that ___ is coming to play the local arena? I was thinking of getting tickets. Do you think they're sold out yet?"

Stuff like that^. Light, easily digestible, and, perhaps most importantly, they all end with easy questions.

Come closer, and I will teach you a conversational secret -

Ask questions. Listen to the entire answers. Formulate your response (if any) based on the entire answer and not just the first few words or what you think the statement is going to be or what the answer should be.

Lots of people don't do this ^. It's a great way to stand out, even as an introvert. End your statements with easy questions, preferably the kind that aren't quickie yes/no questions.

And be observant! Let's say you're talking to your crush at a party. "Oh, I see you're just about out of your drink. Can I get you a refill? What are you drinking tonight?" or "I love that you did your hair differently this evening. Did it take a long time to do?"

You're not being intrusive. You're being nice. And, by the way, for actual compliments (like her hair), make it not about looks but about something she has done or bought. That is, something which required an effort, rather than what comes naturally or by dint of birth.

Complimenting someone's shoes, hairstyle, or manicure is a lot safer than complimenting their eyes unless you know that person well. Intimate compliments like that can feel unnerving when they come from a relative stranger.

And recognize that women are understandably vigilant about such things. Anything that feels weird, off, or moving too quickly will send up red flags. So tread lightly.

You're going to be fine.
Sim2335
 
  3  
Reply Fri 10 Mar, 2023 03:03 pm
@jespah,
Thanks jespah, you have helped so much more then you will ever know.

I would rather have soemthing like a topic, for now until I become more comfortable,
It’s better to have that than have nothing, then it will be impossible to become comfortable.

It’s just for now until I become comfortable
Is it odd asking about music taste now?

Even people I know I struggle to talk about things, like people I seen for a while at the religious event, so without planning anything how would I talk to her.

I’ve had crush’s after my last one but not like I have now.

If she says for example, how’s work how can I elobarte other then saying it’s ok
Or how’s my day been how can I elborate, if I ask her and she just say yes it’s ok.

This is such good advice if, you wanna keep in touch., I will post updates here or you can pm me
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 10 Mar, 2023 09:12 pm
@Sim2335,
Oh I don't mind chatting more Smile

I have the kind of job where I write a lot but it's not about anything that fascinating most of the time.

What did you do, today, jes?
The same thing I do most days. I blogged and went to meetings.

Over the course of your life, you will probably have odd or funny or interesting things come up. But they usually don't come up all at once.

So, I figure the best thing is to talk about little stuff.

I got ahead with the ___ project today. Made my supervisor laugh. Work was terrible, but lunch was amazing! Managed to not set my computer on fire today. Learned a new word. Lost my wallet. Broke the heel off my shoe. Found where they keep the good pencils. Learned to never order the chef's salad again. Took a different route and passed by a nice park with squirrels. Did not cure cancer but the day's not over yet.

That sort of stuff ^.

My dad doesn't really understand what I do for a living, but he can follow most of the things I listed above.

Maybe that'll help...?

Oh and PS I think asking about musical taste is perfectly fine. Maybe you'll find out you're the only two people in your town who love polka music. Smile
Sim2335
 
  2  
Reply Sat 11 Mar, 2023 04:15 am
@jespah,
One more thing before I see her again if it’s at prayers(talk after prayers)what can I come up with.

Btw she comes with her mum is well.
Also the person who runs weekday sessions he knows both of us so I’m gona tell him next month

I did look on news, however there’s nothing I can find relevant.

Good I didn’t listen to osychologist otherwise I wouldn’t talk as much as I did, and general questions like I ask any girl what area you live did you drive here, etc I wouldn’t have asked
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sat 11 Mar, 2023 08:59 am
@Sim2335,
Hmmm if the prayers really moved you, maybe. Is there a sermon? It might be interESTING to comment about it (not to critique it), as in, I wonder where the {priest, imam, rabbi, whatever the title of your spiritual leader is} comes up with such interesting topics? She/he always seems to be able to weave it into what we're reading.

Oh and of course greet her mother (people will always notice that). Good morning, Mrs. ____, nice to see you today.

Doesn't have to be any more than this ^
Sim2335
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 Mar, 2023 09:20 am
@jespah,
Nope it’s called kirtian, for Hare Krishna, we don’t propley follow it both of us but enjoy this and been to some classes

That scares me the most I won’t have anything to talk about or it will be too short, when I talk.

But I don’t want to copy what other people say cos then I’m not beign myself, and even that need to be memorised and may not last long
0 Replies
 
persiaRae562
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Mar, 2023 04:21 pm
@Sim2335,
Try talking on the phone to anyone really. Sometimes being in front of people can be a bit timid if you are not used to it. When you are on the phone there is not all the added pressure.
Good luck.
Sim2335
 
  1  
Reply Sun 26 Mar, 2023 12:25 am
@persiaRae562,
Not seen her since, I posted
My only option is to talk to the monk now, as he knows both of us is trusthworthy and neturul and smart.

It was relief I didn’t see her cos didn’t know what to chat about, other than how you been and that could be short and awakrd I’m good you.
Still very disappointed

Also had enough of clinical psychology not work, and brain going blank when I departly need it so just about manage to get a psychiatrist appointment through my insurance, so gona start on tablets.

PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 26 Mar, 2023 03:25 pm
@Sim2335,
Sim,

Do you overthink in any other areas of your life? Like at work, what foods to eat, what to wear, etc.

Or are you just smitten and tongue tied when seeing this particular gal?
Sim2335
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Mar, 2023 08:11 am
@PUNKEY,
Not really good or clothes, work just in terms of career direction, not what to talk about.
Other areas so do like having a family buying or buy to rent property, before I had a car, weather it’s worth learning.

Meeting relatives

xuantien52hz
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 6 Apr, 2023 03:33 pm
@Sim2335,
good
0 Replies
 
 

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