How much do you help your parents? (Resurfacing an old issue)

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As many of you may remember I posted a forum where my parent's home owner's insurance company told them they needed to replace their roof, which wasn't leaking, simply because it just looked old. My dad is 85 and is non mobile anymore. Mom is 79 and is his caregiver. Dad is retired and mom never worked outside of the home. Now . . . there are 4 other grown adults living in the house. 3 of my siblings (brothers) and one of the grandsons. The youngest sibling is 53 and the grandson is 25. Back when the roof issue came up one of my sisters got several quotes and settled on a $9000 bid. The dead was that we all would chip in the help replace the roof, well, we didn't have much of a say so in this since the sister got the estimates. Each sibling would contribute $1000, the parents would contribute some and then the rest divided by the 6 grandkids. In speaking with my sister who got the quote I expressed to her that I didn't think it was fair that those of us who didn't live in the house had to contribute just as much as those who do live in the house. She agreed with me but said that to keep down the confusion it would be better if everyone paid in the same amount depending upon where you rank. I flat out told her that I just didn't have $1000 at the moment because I was working on a major car repair which has set me back. I told her I'd have to get her the money when I could.

Ok, roof and gutters replaced and we moved on. This morning we get a text from one of our other siblings saying "Just a reminder that some people still owe for the roof for momma and daddy. Let's get this done they may need us again and we need to be there for them because they do so much for us."

Again, I still feel like those who actually "live in the house" should be footing the bill for any and all repairs that come up in the house. The youngest sibling is 53. All three brothers work and the grandson is there too and he works. Again, let me say this. I do not mind helping but there are limits to helping too. What happens when the stove or fridge goes out. They have a foundation problem, mom's car has to go to the shop? Those are things that at some point needs to be addressed but I think they need to be addressed between the 4 other grown men living currently in the house. Voicing your concerns is one thing but when you hear "you're right but we're still going to do it this way" bothers me. When I had the major car repair no one had a family meeting to say "we all need to chip in to help him get his car fixed." They all looked at me and said "that's a lot, wheat are you going to do?"

Again, am I wrong here? How much do you help your parents with financial things like a repair?

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@Barry2021,

You agreed with the terms at the time. It's now time to pay up and say no in the future.

1 Reply

I still want to know how you got a roof for $9k. We just paid $40k to get ours replaced.

2 Replies

@jespah,

$40K!! We had Hurricane Florence take off my roof and it was $13K to repair.

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@Barry2021,

To directly answer your question, my parents pay for their own home repairs although my brothers and I sometimes help with the execution. As to what you should do at this point, I think you need to pay when you are able since you agreed to do so. In the future, I think you should directly say "I can't afford to help" if that is the case and let everyone else argue over it.

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@jespah,

jespah wrote:

I still want to know how you got a roof for $9k. We just paid $40k to get ours replaced.

Since the old roof wasn't leaking they may not have had to take it off. They may have just put the new one on top of the old one, again, which wasn't leaking. I don't know.

Right now my oldest sister and the one brother who had to move back home are going back and forth via text and he said to her who made you the authority over everything. My brother mentioned that it's hard for him right now and he's living paycheck to paycheck. Ok, he works as a technician in an eye doctor's office. I don't know how much technicians make but he's always talking about his raise or a bonus he got. His truck is paid for so he only has insurance, gas, and what ever maintenance he has on it. Our parent's are only asking for $100 a week to stay there. And they are covering every other utility in the house. For him to be saying he's living paycheck to paycheck right now is baffling to me. Yeah, he's paying a storage bill each month on his furniture and things he moved with but that can't be that much given he's not paying any utilities. Honestly speaking, I think he's gotten some young girl pregnant and she's kicking his tail for child support and he doesn't want anyone to know. That's just my gut feeling.

Sometimes the best thing to do is say nothing. Like I said, I told my sister that I would start making payments when I could because I have to take care of home first and she was fine with that. When we got the text this morning, I didn't even reply because I knew I hadn't paid anything. My brother saw the fire and decided to jump right on in. Now him and the oldest sister are going toe to toe on this issue.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue wrote:

You agreed with the terms at the time. It's now time to pay up and say no in the future.

I voiced my concerns when the issue was on the table and again I say, I don't think it was fair that the 4 siblings who no longer live in the house have to pay the same amount as those who do. I was outnumbered but that doesn't mean I accepted the outcome.

0 Replies

@engineer,

engineer wrote:

To directly answer your question, my parents pay for their own home repairs although my brothers and I sometimes help with the execution. As to what you should do at this point, I think you need to pay when you are able since you agreed to do so. In the future, I think you should directly say "I can't afford to help" if that is the case and let everyone else argue over it.

Yes, that's what I plan to do. I guess I'm looking down the road at the next repair or appliance that breaks or when mom's car needs a new transmission or something like that. I don't mind helping but if the stove, fridge, hot water heater, washer or dryer go on the fritz why should we all take up a collection to fix or replace it when you have 4 grown men all sleeping there. That's the point I don't get. Splitting everything equally down the middle is not always fair.

And with our oldest sister, the way she is, she'll try and guilt you into doing something. "You know our mom and dad do so much for us. The least we can do is be there for them." Guilt doesn't work on most people. Asking your son to come cut the grass or help paint the house is one thing but when you say, "we all need to chip in $1000 for a roof we're not going to sleep under" bothers me a little again, especially when you have 4 grown working men who sleep under the roof each night.

1 Reply

@Barry2021,

If you can't afford it, say so. It doesn't seem like the others agree with your logic, so cut to the chase and tell them what you can afford or what they can expect from you. As you pointed out, all is not equal. Your complete monthly household expenses are way more than $100, after all. And your parents have options - they can charge more, for one, and set $ aside for repairs.

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@Mame,

Mame wrote:

If you can't afford it, say so. It doesn't seem like the others agree with your logic, so cut to the chase and tell them what you can afford or what they can expect from you. As you pointed out, all is not equal. Your complete monthly household expenses are way more than $100, after all. And your parents have options - they can charge more, for one, and set $ aside for repairs.

And with my family, my siblings, you're either all in or you're on the outs. Yes, I informed my sister that I couldn't afford a$1000 right now due to my car repair and it's gonna take me some time to get my bills back in check. Maybe I think it's putting the cart before the horse to send out a text anticipating their next repair and how we will most likely have to dig in our pockets again.

1 Reply

@Barry2021,

Barry2021 wrote:

Mame wrote:

If you can't afford it, say so. It doesn't seem like the others agree with your logic, so cut to the chase and tell them what you can afford or what they can expect from you. As you pointed out, all is not equal. Your complete monthly household expenses are way more than $100, after all. And your parents have options - they can charge more, for one, and set $ aside for repairs.

And with my family, my siblings, you're either all in or you're on the outs. Maybe I think it's putting the cart before the horse to send out a text anticipating their next repair and how we will most likely have to dig in our pockets again.

I didn't suggest sending a text. And with respect to your comment about you're all in our out, you guys need to sit down and discuss the unfairness (as you see it) of the situation and who can afford what. Your parents are letting your sibs off the hook. You obviously can barely afford your own household needs, much less anyone else's. You need to be upfront about that so next time everyone is prepared. Inequity results in resentments.

1 Reply

@Mame,

Mame wrote:

Barry2021 wrote:

Mame wrote:

If you can't afford it, say so. It doesn't seem like the others agree with your logic, so cut to the chase and tell them what you can afford or what they can expect from you. As you pointed out, all is not equal. Your complete monthly household expenses are way more than $100, after all. And your parents have options - they can charge more, for one, and set $ aside for repairs.

And with my family, my siblings, you're either all in or you're on the outs. Maybe I think it's putting the cart before the horse to send out a text anticipating their next repair and how we will most likely have to dig in our pockets again.

I didn't suggest sending a text. And with respect to your comment about you're all in our out, you guys need to sit down and discuss the unfairness (as you see it) of the situation and who can afford what. Your parents are letting your sibs off the hook. You obviously can barely afford your own household needs, much less anyone else's. You need to be upfront about that so next time everyone is prepared. Inequity results in resentments.

No, I didn't take it that you suggested I send a text. I was saying it was very presumptuous of my oldest sister to send out a text basically to say "hey, we're gonna have to pay for something else for our parents so be ready."

1 Reply

@Barry2021,

Well, don't you think a family discussion is in order?

1 Reply

@Mame,

Mame wrote:

Well, don't you think a family discussion is in order?

Trust me I do that's why I spoke up when the roof issue came up. But at that point it was 6 against 1. I was greatly outnumbered.

0 Replies

@Barry2021,

It is not my place ( because I am not your family ) but if the bill is so $#$#@$@ up for repairs then why not do DIY??? I mean how hard is it to check if their is a problem with the roof and determine if it needs replacing or not? To even purchasing the materials, watching a couple of a youtube videos, and reading a couple of PDF files, and actually work on the project as a team. Granted you all sound like a real laid-back bunch.

I mean I have seen one-man replace an entire roof and rebuilt it in a specific manor. Even people going as far to just make the roof into a floor in itself ( because jeez $9000 I might as well make it a baby-safe deck ).

You guys paid too much for what is a DIY project. There is literally an army of you folks. Might as well make it a family project. Think about funeral minus the expense for the embalming fluid ( the stuff invented during the civil-wars to prevent the body from decomposing so fast and actually harms the dirt below in time ).

Give you an excuse to see each other asides for the Holiday.

...............................................................

Point taken ? Do you live there, or have your name on the house ? If not then why cling on to it. Might as well use it for storage space ( like your own room or a specific space ). Maybe even build a bat-man-cave garage on the property.

0 Replies

@Barry2021,

"Blood shed amongst brothers is thicker than the water if the womb"

Cancer needs to be cut out from the roots. Family that expects without giving equally is not your family.

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How much do you help your parents? (Resurfacing an old issue)

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