Don’t want friend to move in with me after her miscarriage

Forums: Relationships, Relationship, Miscarriage, Friends, Advice
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So I had a friend, Ashley. Ashley and I had a friends with benefits situation. Even though we were careful she ended up getting pregnant.

We decided that she would move in with me a little while before she had the baby so we could coparent together while the baby was young. Also because Ashley lives in a small one bedroom apartment in a not so friendly area. I on the other hand have a house with several bedrooms. Ashley also has a 8 year old son who would be moving in as well. However we did make it clear this was as a coparent thing, not as a romantic relationship as we were not in one so Ashley and I would have separate bedrooms.

Ashley ended up having a miscarriage though. It’s been a little over a week since it happened. Ashley doesn’t have many friends so since the miscarriage I have been over every couple of days to bring by food and check in on her. Early today when I stopped by her son brought up moving (he was excited as he was going to get his own room). Ashley went along with it and made it seem like we were all still going to move in together. He then left for school. With him gone I talked to Ashley about it and told her I didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to move in together anymore.

Ashley is now upset and says I blindsided her. I’m not sure that’s fair though since she wasn’t expecting to move in for another month and hadn’t even packed yet. She also didn’t tell her landlord yet as she wanted to wait til the last minute so she still has a place to live.

Am I in the wrong here to think moving in together should be off the table now?

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[+4] - Mame - 03/23/2022I don't think so. You made an arrangement when you discovered she was pregnant to assist with your baby. Since she's no longer pregnant, yes, it's off the table. Blind-sided or not, the reason...

@bttrnt,

I don't think so. You made an arrangement when you discovered she was pregnant to assist with your baby. Since she's no longer pregnant, yes, it's off the table. Blind-sided or not, the reason for you sharing your home is no longer valid.

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@Mame,

Agreed - you no longer need to co-parent so it is understandable that you would not room together since that was the premise.

The blindside is this little kid does not understand that so although you are in the right and are under no obligation to keep this arrangement (and it is understandable that you would not) - it is probably the 8 year old kid that is going to be hurt by it. And that is probably why this mom is giving you the guilt trip.

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@bttrnt,

You are on the money. Moving in together sets some wrong expectations up, especially for the boy and you were clear you are not looking for that kind of relationship.

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While everybody is correct, at the very least your living together was based on co parenting - your timing and coldness in reiterating that was shocking.

No such thing as a casual relationship, especially if birth control is handled in a casual way. And if anyone's children are involved.

I wonder how you are so able to separate a commitment to a fetus but feel nothing for a mother who's lost a baby, past a coldhearted need to reiterate a contract.

Please note I do not think you should take her in, moving several times in a year would not be good for the kid. But you really buggered the when and how of your contract reinforcement.

Glad you're no friend of mine.

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@bobsal u1553115,

I must say I feel similarly to your last sentiments. Your friends must be absolutely exhausted from your tendency to assume on every point you make.

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@engineer,

Do you think it’s also setting wrong expectations for the kid to come over every few days to help out. I feel conflicted about it. She obviously needs the help right now and doesn’t have many people in her life. At the same time I’m probably not going to be a permanent person in this kids life anymore. The first time I met him was actually after his mom and I had decided they would move in with me. If she hadn’t gotten pregnant I don’t think I would have ever met him. I just don’t know. I don’t want to do more harm than good.

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@bttrnt,

What is it do you think I assume?

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@bttrnt,

I think you ate being honest . it is a tough situation... Quite honestly you are not going to be in in this child's life .. I agree as a 50,+ woman who has children ... The child is better off cutting ties with you now than when he develops even deeper feelings.

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@Linkat,

Do you think I should just stop showing up? Or do you think it would be better to stop by one last time to say goodbye or something?

Also would it be weird to to have groceries delivered by a service instead since I won’t be visiting anymore? She really doesn’t go out at all anymore, so it feels wrong just stopping suddenly.

Sorry about asking so much

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@bttrnt,

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. It is devastating losing a child by miscarriage. You were excited to have a child in your life now you're not. It does seem you may not be handling it well as you think you are.

You were very quick to end your relationship with her, even though you seem to care about her very much. You've shared a lot with this person, are you sure this is the best solution for you?

Sometimes, when one door closes, another one opens. So, take a minutes and actually explore your life right now. Is it possible through this tragedy, you've come to realize you'd like to have children?

Do you really want to say goodbye to her? As in never seeing her or talking to her ever again? Are you sure you don't see a future with her? You've pushed every thing aside - you are done.

Are you ready for that?

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@neptuneblue,

We’ve never been in a serious romantic relationship. It’s always been a friendship relationship. I’ve never felt anything more. I always wanted children, but I don’t think I particularly wanted them with her. It happened though so I was happy to step up, but I ultimately I would rather have kids with someone I was in love with. It’s still hard saying goodbye to a friend though, but I understand and will walk away if it will negatively affect her kid. I just feel really bad because while I have other friends, she really doesn’t.

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@bttrnt,

Why are you stopping by? To deliver groceries? Why is that? Being pregnant doesn't make one infirm. Also, she's now no longer pregnant. You can stop by one last time, sure, with more groceries and maybe a parting gift for her and the boy.

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@Mame,

She’s just really depressed and doesn’t seem to be doing so well mentally. Now I’m kinda afraid I made it worse.

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@bttrnt,

Well, that's nice of you. How did you make it worse? By not going ahead with your plans to have her move in? You're not responsible for her feelings, you know. You can still be a friend, but keep your boundaries up. She can't rely on others for her life or her happiness. I wish you all well.

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It seems you got a lot of good feedback here - one thing you do seem like a really nice caring person.

What was your relationship like before she was pregnant? I know you said you had a friendship but was it close? Is there a reason you need to cut her off or can you maintain that friendship? Also for her child - can you resume how you all were before?

Yeah I can only imagine how losing a child would be for her and for you. Depending on how close you are - could you suggest she talk wit her doctor on getting help with her depression? I am a bit surprised after she went through this that the doctor would assisting in her care would not ask the right questions to see how she is handling this?

To me your responsibility would be the same as any friend - be there for her and be her friend.

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@Linkat,

We were definitely less close friends before she got pregnant. We would hook up once a week or so. After she got pregnant I hung around more and helped her with stuff when she didn’t feel well.

I don’t really need to cut her off I guess. Someone just said something about giving her son wrong expectations so I’m thinking it may be better for him as I probably won’t be around his whole life. I didn’t actually meet her son until after she was pregnant so resume how we were before would just be not seeing him.

I think maybe I should have talked to her about that earlier because right now she’s very angry with me and doesn’t seem like she wants to talk to me.

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@bttrnt,

Could you come clean with her?

Tell her you would like to resume your friendship, you did not mean to hurt her in any way and even let her know your concern about how much involvement with her son.

The thing is how do YOU feel about her? Do you value her friendship? Is it just more she is a good hook up? I think first you need to figure out how you feel about her and what you really would like to pursue if anything with her. Then maybe after she is feeling a bit more over her initial shock of the baby - ask her what she feels and would want about a friendship with her, be kind but honest what you are looking to get out of it and then consider what she feels as well - it might be something if she has more personal feelings for you that it would be best to end completely.

Or if she appreciates having you as a friend - you two can work out to what level. At least you both would know where each other stands. Maybe she is angry because she wants more out of the relationship?

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@Linkat,

If I’m being honest it was really just about sex in the beginning. We hung out a lot more after we found out. But everything we did sort of involved future planning for the baby. Without the baby we really just don’t have much in common. I feel like I’m just realizing that maybe we have more of a friendly relationship than a friend relationship or at least I think we do. I don’t have any idea what’s she’s thinking or has been thinking. When we first discussed her moving in I thought we were very clear about us just being coparent. But that was months ago and we’ve hung out together so much more since than so maybe she thought things had changed.

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@bttrnt,

Well, she can be as angry as she wants but if she hasn't shared her thoughts or feelings, you are in no way to blame for that. You are not a mind-reader. You are the best person here to decide how to go forward as we don't know her. Best of luck to all of you.

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Don’t want friend to move in with me after her miscarriage

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