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If your father-in-law said this to you. . . . .

 
 
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 07:48 am
Back when I was a little boy this was how your Sundays went. The family went to church then after church mom cooked dinner and we sat down together and ate. After that we'd all load up in the family car and go visit my dad's mom where normally all his siblings had gathered for a few hours. Then when we left that grandparent's house we'd stop by my mom's mom on the way home to spend some time with her. That was our every Sun routine. That's a tradition we've kept up since the passing of both my grandmothers many years ago. Even now, my 6 other siblings and some of the grandkids will go to our parent's house on a Sunday afternoon to just hang out. Two of my sisters who are married bring their husbands and we all usually sit down for dinner because mom loves to cook big Sun dinners. Well. . . . .my wife, as you all know, doesn't like being in big family gatherings like that, at least not with my family. Anytime her family gets together we're (including me) expected to go and put on a happy face. This year alone I've gone to several birthday gatherings, Sunday dinners at restaurants, a cookout here at our house where they all were invited, and even traveled out of town numerous times to hang out with her cousins. When I go to my parent's house I use to ask my wife if she's coming with me and she'll usually say, "no, I like being alone on Sundays." But she'll usually tell me to bring her a plate home. After hearing so many no's I've gotten to the point to where I don't even ask anymore. I'll leave the house and just tell her I'll be back later. This year alone my wife has only gone to a Sun gathering maybe twice. And the last time she went, the only reason she went was because as you know we're in counseling and the counselor told her that it didn't look fair that I was doing so much with her family but she would never do anything with mine. She told my wife that if I was asking her to go then I wanted her to be there with me. My wife did go but she drove her own car so she could leave when she felt like it. I was at my parent's house a few days ago looking at my dad's handicapped ramp because it needed some work done to it and he told me to tell my wife that if she didn't come over this Sunday then she would not get any more food out of this house. Again, my mom is always fixing her a big ole plate of food for me to take home to my wife. I'm just of the mindset that when you marry someone you don't just marry them, you marry into the family. And that means being a part of family gatherings. No one is saying you have to come every Sun but is every other Sun going to kill you to just come, sit down, talk, and have some laughs. My wife and I have been together some 20 years, married the past 11 and it seems the more I mention this to her the more resilient she gets. If I don't go to one of her family gatherings then it's a major issue but when she tells me no then I'm just suppose to suck it up and go on because "you know how I am." How would you take it if your father in law said that you needed to come around more or don't expect to get anything else from the family house?
 
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 11:13 am
@Barry2021,
If my father in law said that to me, it probably would not bother me. Of course, if I were not going to his house with my wife for dinner, I would never expect my wife to bring me a plate home with her.

My first thought was to suggest that you stop going with her to her parent's house. But, since you two are already in counseling, doing that would probably exacerbate the problems. So, I think the prudent thing to suggest to you would be to bring it up again in counseling.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 11:18 am
@Barry2021,
I do not feel the same as you.

I did NOT marry my husband's family, I married HIM. I don't even like my own family and if I'd have to endure yours, I'd move far, far away.

The expectation of having to go to a family dinner every Sunday or even every other Sunday is just not going to happen. I don't think your wife cares one way or another about a cold, leftover meal. Sounds gross and a stab at passive-aggressive behavior I could certainly do without.

It seems your wife agrees with me.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 11:24 am
@Barry2021,
Barry2021 wrote:

How would you take it if your father in law said that you needed to come around more or don't expect to get anything else from the family house?


I'd be fine with that.

I have never had a problem with any of my in-laws but I certainly wouldn't want to see them every Sunday and I'm not one for staying overly long, either, so I, too, would take my own car. It's obvious she doesn't want to go very often.

My family has never done the Sunday dinners, either, and if they did, I would probably choose not to go very often. I don't like expectations.

It's nice for you to continue with tradition, but it's your tradition, not hers. I take it she doesn't care about getting the meal?
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 12:45 pm
@Barry2021,
What do you think your father-in-law is REALLY saying to you? I think he is saying that “if we’re not good enough for your wife to come and sit at our table then she shouldn’t feel that she’s good enough for us to have to fix her a plate.”for you to take to her. They are feeling snubbed and so why should they endorse her actions.

You can visit your folks as often as you want. Once a month for dinner is fine to ask your wife to go somewhere she’s not comfortable.

What traditions can you and your wife start at your home?

Or

Maybe she would like to be taken out for dinner with just you on a Sunday.
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 12:54 pm
@CoastalRat,
Coasta, I truly feel where you're coming from. If you go to your parent's house for dinner and I'm making the decision not to go I'm not going to expect a plate when you come home. At some point I'm going to say to myself, "I need to go more because that is my family now too." You suck it up, and you go.
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 12:57 pm
@PUNKEY,
No, this is my dad saying that to her. But I feel you. If you won't come enjoy a lazy sunday afternoon with us then do not expect to ever get any more meals from us. I honestly see his point. You can't just isolate yourself from the family but still want the perks of the family.
0 Replies
 
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 01:06 pm
@ Neptune and Mame,

Look at it from this stand point. If your spouse was always going with you to your family gatherings and had been to multiple birthday parties, baby showers, cookouts, etc that "your" family had would you not feel some sort of way about not going to any of their gatherings. Set aside the points you make about not liking your own families. That's now what this was about. I get along great with her family and enjoy spending time with them but I also want her to spend time with my family as well. It's only fair. And no, you can't just say "I married my spouse, not their family." Did you only invite your family to your wedding and told his family don't bother to show up because you won't be a part of my family?"
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 01:57 pm
@Barry2021,
Barry2021 wrote:

Coasta, I truly feel where you're coming from. If you go to your parent's house for dinner and I'm making the decision not to go I'm not going to expect a plate when you come home. At some point I'm going to say to myself, "I need to go more because that is my family now too." You suck it up, and you go.


The thing you are not getting here is most people are trying to give you real life opinions to help the situation...not to suggest who is right.

What you are not getting is that both you and your wife seem so obsessed with being in the right you miss actually trying to resolve your situation and be a happy compatible couple where no one wins.

Most of this stuff you write about is dumb petty little things that you both should bend a little ... In the end will you be happy if you are right about everything and your wife is wrong or would you be more happy if the BOTH of you bent a little and were more caring to each other?
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 02:15 pm
You have no other plans for Sunday dinner, ever?

Make some, and this mishigas will stop.
Barry2021
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 02:24 pm
@jespah,
A lot of the times my wife and I will eat at home together after we come home from church. But when I go visit with the family she never wants to go. Again, it's a "you spend time with me and my family but I don't want to spend time with you and yours." A marriage is a partnership and sometimes you do things you may not want to do because that makes your spouse happy. Just like our counselor said to her. If him going to your family functions makes you happy then why can't you ever make him happy by going to his family functions?" Again, I'm not saying you've gotta go every sunday but once every 4 or 5 months is really stretching it. AND, to expect a plate when he walks back in the door is a little self-centered.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Fri 17 Sep, 2021 03:35 pm
@Barry2021,
Hey, thanks for mansplaining my 29 year marriage.

In other news, your wife isn't obligated to go to your family's events—ever. You're also not obligated to go to her family's stuff.

The only people who can decide if this bothers you is the two of you.

I agree your FIL (or father, I've lost track) doesn't have to provide a plate. He never should've provided one in the first place. He's not your wife's catering service. Neither are you. If she wants to stay home (or if you do), then the person staying home is responsible for their own dinner. This also means if she feels like taking herself out to a restaurant, or wants to make Ben & Jerry's her dinner, then that's kinda not your concern.

You don't have to do everything your family wants you to. You don't have to say yes to every single invitation. And you sure as hell don't have to be joined at the hip and attend every function together.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Sat 18 Sep, 2021 02:32 am
@Mame,
Scottish comedian Kevin Bridges does a marvellous skit about staying over at a friend’s house for the first time.

Up until then, like most kids, he assumed everybody did things the same way, but when he stayed somewhere else he noticed quite a few differences.

The chief difference was that they were going to have a Chinese takeaway on a Friday night.

So far all of the differences were better than at home and Kevin was beginning to wish he’d been born somewhere else until the order was placed.

There was no rice, and when Kevin asked why he was told that they never ordered rice, they cooked their own.

Kevin thought this was awful but it did ensure his friend got a new nickname at school, Hoose Rice.

Most of us realise people do things differently by the time we go to secondary school and accept that.

Others, like the OP, refuse to accept that insisting their way is the best and refusing to compromise.

He is incredibly selfish, self centred and inflexible, he expects his poor wife to go through this every Bloody Sunday, with no exception.

She can stay at home, but he’s going anyway regardless of what she wants, he won’t try to accommodate her wishes, just bully and cajole her.

As you’ve pointed out, he never puts any time aside for her, there is no Sunday when it’s just them, they have to do what he wants or he’ll do it on his own.

Women are the ones who are usually criticised for trying to change their husbands instead of accepting who they are, but it’s the opposite here.

She’s the same woman she married, but he’s not happy, he wants some instantly programmable Stepford wife.

The whole set up sounds like a ******* nightmare, I can’t take more that ten minutes in the company of churchy people at the best of times.

To have to go to church is bad enough, but to then be expected to spend the rest of the day with a bunch of godbotherers is my idea of hell.

I feel so sorry for his poor wife.

And if the OP, wants to know, his wife is right and he is wrong, so very wrong.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Sat 18 Sep, 2021 07:54 am
@Barry2021,
Barry2021 wrote:

@ Neptune and Mame,

Look at it from this stand point. If your spouse was always going with you to your family gatherings and had been to multiple birthday parties, baby showers, cookouts, etc that "your" family had would you not feel some sort of way about not going to any of their gatherings. Set aside the points you make about not liking your own families. That's now what this was about. I get along great with her family and enjoy spending time with them but I also want her to spend time with my family as well. It's only fair. And no, you can't just say "I married my spouse, not their family." Did you only invite your family to your wedding and told his family don't bother to show up because you won't be a part of my family?"


Does she add much when she does visit your family? Or just sit there?

Why do you have so many expectations of each other? Funny thing about expectations - if you have none you're never disappointed.

You two are full of resentments against each other. You've both married the wrong person. What a horrible way to live. Just because you do something doesn't mean she has to do it. Just because you do something a certain way doesn't make her wrong for doing it her own way. Can't you guys just live and let live?

You two are paying off your therapist's mortgage.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Sat 18 Sep, 2021 09:27 am
I’ve never had a father in law. My wife’s father died when she was little and the old fart her mother married much later on in life didn’t really count.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 18 Sep, 2021 09:36 am
If you arrive home with a plate full of food, then you are complicant to this crazy scenario.

0 Replies
 
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Mon 20 Sep, 2021 04:47 am
To answer a question that has been asked. My dad, her father in law, isn't the one fixing the plate, my mom is. My dad made the statement because he's tired of my wife just snubbing the family every week just to stay at home alone. We're not that bad of people to where she can't stand to be around us and no one should be forced to do anything they don't want to do. I'm not making her go with me. But with that she shouldn't expect me to go everywhere with her. Just this weekend alone she mentioned that her cousin who lives out of town is having a birthday and the family is throwing her a surprise b-day party. In my wife's mind I'm expected top go. If I say I'm not going then there's going to be days of discussing it as to why I don't want to go. "You've been in the past." This is what I'm talking about. I'm expected to drive an hour to surprise her cousin on her birthday party but she won't ride 12 minutes to my parent's house just for a Sunday dinner every now and then. And again, I'm not saying she has to go every sunday but is every other sunday going to kill her? If I don't do something with or for her then I get a million questions and the cold shoulder for several days. But if she doesn't do something with or for me then I'm just supposed to suck it up and just know that she doesn't want to do it so I need to move on from it. My dad isn't fixing the plate but he's told my mom not to fix her a plate if she can't muster up the strength to just come hang out with the family. My wife and I alternate cooking nights. Yesterday, Sunday, was her day to cook. Sat I noticed that she had bought a really nice slab of salmon so I was thinking that was sunday dinner. Sun morning I noticed that the slab of salmon was now back in the freezer. I guess she changed her mind about cooking. Nope, she didn't cook a thing. However, my mom still sent her a plate home. Now let me not cook tonight and say you can fend for yourself and it'll be WWIII around here.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2021 07:39 am
I sure hope this household has no firearms. Just saying.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2021 09:10 am
@Ragman,
I wouldn't even have considered that.

You are right.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Sep, 2021 03:53 pm
@izzythepush,
No, because the UK doesn't abound with guns. Who'd even think of guns?
0 Replies
 
 

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