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Husband treats me like I’m his child...

 
 
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2021 04:35 pm
Hello. My name is Maryann, I’m 33 and have 6 beautiful children with my husband who is 43. Please please don’t judge what I’m about to say but we got together when I was 12 and he was 22 and married when I was 15 and he was 25. Normally the age to get married (with a parents signature) is 16 but I was pregnant and already had a 1 year old so they made an exception.

Anyway, all my children are from this man and he’s ALWAYS treated me as ‘just another one of his kids’. It’s gotten so bad within these past several years.

He’ll shut the door in my face while I’m mid-sentence (I should note that the majority of the time he does this, we are not arguing or anything). He doesn’t even care that he does this even though I’ve told him how that makes me feel.

I’m constantly asking “Are you paying attention to what I’m saying” bc when I’m talking to him he just cuts me off and either starts talking about something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT or starts talking to one of our children. Again, I voice how this makes me feel. He blows me off every time and says “you’re just too f***ing sensitive!”

Don’t even get me started on our parenting skills. I could go on for days over the frustration and hurt this specific issue has caused and I’m the one that’s always wrong. It doesn’t matter what the issue is, I’m always the bad guy bc he says he stands with me in front of my face but then goes behind my back and tells our children differently.

I can keep on going on and on but I think what I’ve written already gives somewhat of what I’m dealing with. Or at least I hope so...

Idk what to do anymore bc like I said, every time I tell him this, he says I’m crazy or walks out and does all the dramatic **** I’ve seen. What do I do?

P.s. I’ve even brought up marriage counseling and... let me put it this way... I’ll never bring THAT up again!!
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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 527 • Replies: 20
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2021 04:53 pm
@MamaOf6ix,
Then go to counseling alone. At the very least, you'll get some tools on how to deal with his bullshit, because that indeed is what he's got going on.

Do you work outside the home? If not, then it may be time to start seriously considering that. Mask up (the Delta variant is no joke) and get out to where there are people who don't treat you like a kid. Get skills and/or brush up the skills you've got. Build your resume. Unless your youngest is a nursing infant (and even then it's possible), you can go out and work. Got no experience? That's okay. Retail, fast food, and clerical can all be possibilities.

And save money.

I am suggesting working not just for cash but also because I think it'll shore up your self-esteem to be bringing home at least some of the bacon.

And it's harder for your husband to treat you like an infant if you're doing a 9 to 5 or even a 9 to 1. And even harder if your salary is paying bills or feeding and clothing your kids, or at least contributing thereto.

You should probably also talk to your doctor about birth control if you haven't already. Decisions to have children are, of course, highly personal. But you'll be tied there forever if you keep having very young children around. By my calculations, your eldest is probably close to graduating high school. Your kids' independence can trigger your own -- but only if you can move in that direction.

Independence doesn't have to mean separation or divorce. Instead, it can mean having time to yourself with no demands being put on you. And being treated like the grownup that you obviously are.

You can also, perhaps (if you're active in a church) talk to your pastor, with or without your husband, although preferably with. No one has to get into blame or anything like that. It's more that if your husband has to justify his actions to a fellow grownup, he may find that's hard to do.

And finally, of course if you or any of your children are in physical danger, then I urge you to take action because your safety is vital.
0 Replies
 
VABGirl
 
  0  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2021 05:00 pm
The simplistic answer is to move on, but in your situation with the kids you cant. I agree, go to counseling alone if you have to.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2021 05:23 pm
Well, as usual, I value and concur with what Jespah says. The only thing I'm going to add is to take it in baby steps.

You were very, very young when you hooked up with your husband, and very possibly influenced by him and the demands of your body and children. I sense, but am not sure, that you feel trapped, and that's a destructive place to be. It's taken you this long to get where you are and to reach out, so be prepared for this to take a few years.

First, learn how to deal with him in a constructive way. Take away his opportunities to treat you like child. A counsellor, friend, or even googling can help you with this. Basically, think of what brings his comments on and just stop doing whatever it was. This is actually very important because it removes the ammunition that makes you feel that way.

Second, give yourself some opportunities outside of the house, be it a course, an activity, a job, new friends... you sound a little crushed, so we need to help you out of that state. Finding out who you are is a blessed thing, and something you can and perhaps should do without your family. Start doing what you like and want to do. Drawing? Reading? Running?

Third, focus on being self-reliant, even if it's just emotionally right now. We actually don't NEED people to approve of us; we can supply approval ourselves. Other peoples' approval can be a temporary thing while yours will be lasting and so more important. Think about what is wonderful about you, what's wonderful about your life and dream about what and where you'd like it to be. Telling yourself daily what you like about yourself and what you're happy or content with may sound egocentric, but it's not... it can also be the first step to self-confidence. It's called 'affirmation'.

I wish you all the best.
0 Replies
 
MamaOf6ix
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2021 06:16 pm
Hi again ❤️ I’ve just read all of your comments and I am in actual tears (I’m actually embarrassed but idc lol). So I need to say a little more bc while you guys’ comments are amazing they do say something similar like working, see a counselor myself, etc... Those options are not an option, to say the least.

I’m never allowed to go anywhere, I currently have no drivers license BUT I did up until a few years ago and I still had to ask permission from my husband if I could go to my moms, sisters, grocery store, etc.... so I get him not allowing me to go anywhere in the present. But even if I voice that I wanna go visit my mom or sister, he always says “I’ll take you.” (Same as when I had license) so really nothing has changed. I haven’t seen my mom, sister, or my granny since 2017. I talk through Facebook but that’s far and few in between.

As far as seeing a counselor by myself, not an option. The reason I say this is bc I haven’t even been to a regular doctor IN YEARS! As a woman, (sorry to the ppl that gets grossed out by this type of stuff) we are supposed to have yearly Pap smears and if I remember right, the last one I had was when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter (maybe a bit before). I had my tubes tied a month after she was born (She is 10 now).

I actually feel so alone (I’m not trying to be dramatic, just trying to get my point across) and I’ve NEVER EVER seen anyone else in a similar situation as I’m in. As of a few months ago, I’ve decided when my youngest turns 18, that’s when I’ll be free. But damn, my teen years were wasted, not to say I regret having my children bc I’d never give up the opportunity to be blessed to be their mama. I’ll never get to experience what being a teenager is like, I’ll never get to go out on dates (bc he was my first and only boyfriend, now husband), I just feel this awful hopeless and lonely feeling. I’ve never been able to relate to anyone that has the same thing happened/going on with them.

But anyways, that’s my plan, when she gets old enough, I’m out. I just wish my “cards” were dealt a little better....
MamaOf6ix
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2021 06:18 pm
@MamaOf6ix,
Oh I forgot to mention the ‘working’ thing. I’m not allowed. Plain and simple.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2021 06:31 pm
@MamaOf6ix,
Well, MamaOf6ix... you have reached out online and gotten support. Keep reaching out online, to your parents, to friends, to the crisis line, to anyone who may help you. Find little things that make you happy, with your children, by yourself, until you can build up enough resistance to leave this jailor.

I don't know, and you haven't said, how he treats your children, or how he would treat them if you left one day, so that's an issue for you to think about. Is he as constraining with your kids and how do they feel about it? About your situation, even?

But eight more years of this? Wow. Just wow.

Use your computer to change your thinking, enlighten you, give you hope and positivity.

I really don't know what else to say to you - I feel for you, I certainly do, living with a controller like that. It's certainly not unheard of, but for those of us that didn't choose that path, it would be like prison.

I just wish you the very, very best.
MamaOf6ix
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2021 06:43 pm
@Mame,
I have to wait until my youngest is 18. I have no choice. He’s already threatened if I take our kids, he’ll call cps bc he knows where I’ll be living (my moms) and he’d make sure I lose them. They are my life! He treats them like gold, too! So I just need to stick this out! My reasoning for posting this entire thing is bc I’ve never seen someone else in my situation. And for some advice on how to deal with this until I leave. And also to confirm I’m not ‘crazy’ or ‘the problem’.
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 31 Jul, 2021 07:38 pm
@MamaOf6ix,
100% not crazy (I am not a doctor but hey, I know Smile ) and good lord this isn't your fault.

I know it's not the same but due to Covid I was able to telehealth with my doctor and that was great. Couldn't for other things (not for dental stuff) but it might be... something.

Sometimes an economic argument is the best. Not going to a doctor is just a recipe for something worse later on. And that can get expensive. We go to dentists not because we love them but because we get to keep our teeth. We go to eye doctors not because we love them but because we want to keep being able to see. You get the picture.

Can you Zoom with your mom? Send paper letters? Call? Having that connection can be like having a life preserver in the ocean.
VABGirl
 
  2  
Reply Sun 1 Aug, 2021 05:04 pm
@MamaOf6ix,
I dont think you are crazy. Just a woman in a dilemma.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2021 08:55 am
Is there some sort of women's domestic abuse center near you? I know understand that this does not appear as physical violence but it certainly sounds like mental/emotional abuse.

There is a hotline you call and/or internet 1-800-799-7233 or https://www.thehotline.org.

At the least they should be able to guide you and help you much more than we can. They can also provide you with local resources. I know you say you want to stay with him until your daughter turns 18 but that would be terrible to you and it is teaching your children this behavior is ok.

At the very least reach out to them - they could give you solid advice. I honestly think your husband is threatening you with CPS or taking your children away to keep you with him.

0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2021 10:13 am
@MamaOf6ix,
This is an abuse control put in place for his benefit, not yours. CPS is not designed to handle marital difficulties, but to the care and well being of children.

I'd call his bluff. You don't need his permission to leave & take the kids. File for an immediate hearing to establish temporary custody and go from there. He can't "make sure you lose" your children, that's a plain, straight up lie to keep you without options.

He's sandbagging you. Don't allow him to do that any more.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2021 10:57 am
@neptuneblue,
I agree with all of this, but I hesitate to advise anyone on these messy issues when there is fear involved, especially when I haven't met any of them.
0 Replies
 
MamaOf6ix
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Aug, 2021 06:10 pm
@jespah,
Yeah I get what you’re saying. But I’m telling you, I honestly believe I’m a rare case. Not to sound crazy or anything but omg if I could just tell EVERYTHING, it would be shocking. I have no support, my mom says she supports me but if you knew her and my younger sister’s history (they have always lived with each other) then you’d know, I just can’t rely on that, even though I love them to death.

I actually tried to run away once, I had my youngest daughter with me bc at the time, she was still breastfeeding and I actually was willing to leave my 5 other children behind, bc in all honesty, my husband is an amazing father, but I was gonna fight for them if I had to up and leave. He found me (bc where tf else could I go but my moms) and he sweet talked me on the way home. A few days later, it was back to the old ****! Ever since then, I have been hopeless. I just know in my heart, there’s no way out until my youngest (who’s 10) is 18 and whenever she gets a job and finds her own home, I’ll be free. I hope. Omg, I just wish, I could spill it all rn but tbh, I’m afraid and don’t want any problems until all my children are above the age of 18 or older.

I’ll put it this way... have you ever watch a movie/series or heard an amazing song that you want someone to watch/listen REALLLLLLLY bad? And you tell them that they won’t regret watching/listening to it?

That’s how my life is... I just am in shock (since I’m older now) how things are and how they came to be. It’s something unheard of. I’m telling you, you’ve NEVER heard THIS kind of story. The details are so crazy even I am embarrassed but one day, I’ll let the world know.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Aug, 2021 07:09 pm
@MamaOf6ix,
Did you try to call the number I gave you? At least hear them out and see what they suggest.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Aug, 2021 04:53 am
@MamaOf6ix,
This doesn’t sound unheard of at all, it’s a classic case of coercive behaviour.

Call the number Punky gave you, they at least can realistically advise you on your options.

Your husband doesn’t want you to do this because if you’re ignorant you’re much easier to control.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Aug, 2021 07:03 am
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:

Call the number Punky gave you, they at least can realistically advise you on your options.

Linkat gave you - I don't think Punky even responded on here.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Aug, 2021 07:20 am
@Linkat,
Sorry, that’s what comes of not checking things up before posting.

I just got back from taking the Kid’s fiancé to get her second jab if that is any excuse.

Sorry again.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Aug, 2021 08:37 am
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:

Sorry, that’s what comes of not checking things up before posting.

I just got back from taking the Kid’s fiancé to get her second jab if that is any excuse.

Sorry again.


No excuse for you!

Just did not want her to look for Punky's post - I do hope you give a call - they can help and guide you better than any of us and at the very least it is someone that would understand that can listen to you.
0 Replies
 
Jingleboots
 
  0  
Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2021 12:39 pm
@MamaOf6ix,
He cares nothing about your feelings or your happiness. I say leave his ass and let him enjoy the rewards of Child Support of 6.

Peace!
0 Replies
 
 

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