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Do I suggest a day to see my ex-boyfriend or leave it. Advice?

 
 
Reply Sat 26 Jun, 2021 02:09 am
Ex and I dated for a year and we broke up almost 6 months ago. When he did, he expressed a lot of doubt and still does to this day. He cried too when we broke up. He was initiating a lot of contact recently, wanting to see me and clear the air but I declined. I ended up responding to one of his messages once and for all about 2 months later. He replied to what I said and then said it has 'been very difficult from his end. He felt it was the most appropriate thing was to break up, which has been really hard, he misses me all the time and still thinks about me all the time. But what's the alternative?

He then went on to say that it's really difficult but he tries to leave me alone as he doesn't quite know what to do as he doesn't want to mess with me. I replied and said I hope one day we can be on friendlier terms but I understand if we don’t keep in touch. 2 weeks later he texted me saying he would definitely like to know how I am/how life is but he’s conscious of not lingering around and making things more difficult and he hopes everything is good and I’m happier now. That he of course feels the same but it’s just the nature of break ups.

I responded, in a kind way that we should probably not keep in contact as I still like him. He responded, apologised for how long it took him to get back to me and said he still likes me and cares about me but thinks probably not talking at the moment is the right thing. I responded and said that I didn’t want to seem sarcastic previously but wouldn’t the alternative be to work through our issues like an adult, I went onto say that we meshed well so maybe that’s why it’s been so hard and wished him well. He replied days later, apologising again. Said he would rather not get into this discussion over text and would much prefer in person, agreed that we meshed really well and we had a similar sense of humour. Said he hoped I had a good trip and then he hopes my university has been going well lately.

I said that maybe we can revisit it soon and talk in person and I felt the same regarding talking about this over text. We laughed about a few things like we used to and he then went onto ask when my exams are and a few other things.

So I reached out to him and told him that I don't see the benefit in catching up unless he wants to date me again as I get the indication that he still wants the break up. He said he understood etc, but completely never answered that part. Whether that's intentional or not. For example he could've said something like "yes, I still want the break up" but just says he understands. I said we should stop being in contact for real and for him to only contact me if he wants to be back together. He sort of turned it into a joke and asked about when I'm graduating. Was like 'can you please clarify this curiosity' and said he will abide by my wishes, I then stupidly kept the conversation going, he laughed at things I said and then we both said we might be going away somewhere around the same time to the same place, I said that I didn't want to make it awkward for him so wanted to check the dates he's going as he will be with his parents. He said it wouldn't be awkward with a tongue emoji etc and that his mum would demand I come over for dinner (sweet but I felt like he intentionally said that). I wished him a happy birthday for this week, was slightly flirtatious and he responded well to it. I then asked the next day where his heart is in terms of us. He said he didn’t understand and thought I was referring to us going to that location and running into each other or something.

I expressed to him that I found it a bit frustrating that he wouldn’t answer my question or give me any indication of the future. He said he was confused by the question and that I’m often unclear. I said I would speak to him the next day, I was also quite abrupt in my texts and he called me twice. I didn’t pick up and said I didn’t want to talk right now, he said ok and I didn’t respond. He messaged me the next day saying that he would leave me be as it seems that I keep getting upset that were still in contact but he just hates getting into anything substantial over text. I asked if he would like to speak at all, doesn’t have to be tonight and he asked if he would like me to call, I said yes. We had a really good chat, I said I don’t like to talk about anything substantial over text either and I wish we could just use text to organise catch ups. He said something along the lines of “Yes, but it doesn’t have to be for dates all the time” which I thought was interesting that he was referring to us (if we do catch up) as dates, semi positive I guess?, like he used to say, at the end he said it was really nice to hear my voice and that he’ll speak to me soon. I hate to say this but it felt like old times, giggling and laughing on the phone to each other. He told me that he rarely sees some of his old friends and just sticks to two that I know, said he wasn’t going to be doing anything for his birthday that week either. Both agreed we need to stop sending each other provoking, relationship-y messages over text too. I told him that I am thankful that it appears we have been communicating better lately and he almost seemed annoyed that we speak for a few months, he said something along the lines of 'but you didn't even talk to me for almost 3 months'.

Something happened where I was a bit upset and he said we could speak the next day on the phone if I liked. We ended up talking and he was speaking in this cute voice he used to do and it felt like the chemistry was still there. He said that he’s probably one big idiot for the decision and maybe that he has personality abnormalities, but he just cant seem to shake this anxiety he has about some concerns he has and compatibility long term, but obviously the easiest thing would be to stay together. When I try and ask what these concerns are, he cannot really specify. He said he still likes me. He asked at the end what I would like to do (I guess about us) and I said I would like to see him but I’m unsure of things. He said that he thinks it would be good but he’s also a bit unsure of the benefit. I asked if he wants to see me, he said he wants to see me but he doesn’t mind either way, that it’s up to me. I said to message me when he gets back. He then said again he would like to see me but he’s concerned I will later say he’s sent me mixed messages (which I have said before), mixed signals/dangling the carrot etc. He agreed that he will message me when he gets back. The next few days I sort of sent him a long message saying that he had someone who loved him and all these things. So he got back and I hadn’t heard anything that day (sort of get why he wouldn’t respond as I sent that loaded previous message) so I reached out saying I was confused because I thought he would be eager to tell me that he’s back as he says he prefers talking in person and this is what we need to be honest, either for closure or whatever. He was sort of short in response and asked why I sent a message like that and then that I want to see him. I explained my point, he asked whether I wanted to see him the next day and I just said if I could message him tomorrow and we agree on a day to catch up. He just said ‘yeah sure’ which I haven’t responded to. Do I suggest a day or make him chase me more?

Advice?

**TL;DR** ex-boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago, I’ve seen him once since the break up, he still has doubts of the break up but cannot seem to shake off some concerns.
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sat 26 Jun, 2021 06:53 am
@blondeantagonist,
I skimmed your post, sorry.

If you (or he) had found someone else, this drama wouldn't take anywhere near as much time and energy as it obviously does.

You both need to **** or get off the pot.

Are you going to be together? Then that's dates and whatnot. You're local so that means getting together and doing stuff, whether it's a meal out or fooling around or whatever.

If you're not going to be together, then this is a drain on your time and energy. Meet other people. The pandemic still exists but if you're vaccinated then life is just about 100% normal. So stop being so damned available all the time. Actively look for other companionship, recognizing that it doesn't have to be romantic.

But right now, you're writing War and Peace about a guy you're not in a relationship with.

Don't get so invested without the emotional payoff of an actual relationship.
blondeantagonist
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jun, 2021 07:04 am
@jespah,
Thank you. It’s very hard to tell from these texts which make potentially meeting him very difficult. As I would ideally like to hear something along those lines from him if he does want to get back together, over text. Going to see him makes things very ambiguous. But I realise that with any relationship, it’s unhealthy to have those big discussions over text. Unsure what to do?
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PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sat 26 Jun, 2021 12:11 pm
Stop trying to repair or have this relationship using text.

It seems to me that he doesn’t want to make a commitment for a make formal “get back together”. He just wants to start seeing you casually.

You seem to want only accept any kind of relationship unless it’s an exclusive commitment.

. You need to stop texting and see this guy in person. That’s the only way this is going to be resolved. But don’t go into this so rigid about your expectations. Just start off being friends and see what happens from there
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