Working dad stuck with stay at home stoner.

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Together 11yrs, married 6, one son 5yrs.

Tried to make this the TLDR version

I am the main parent in the relationship, I do all the dr, dentist and extra curricular activities (gymnastics, swimming), he has not had school yet, hes starting k. this upcoming year but I also have my own homeschooling plan i made where he can read and write pretty well along with some light math and arts n crafts. I do the grocery shopping and cooking on my days off.

My wife is a stay at home mom, she wakes up around 1pm goes to bed late and smokes pot all day long, first thing before we see her she gets high, the littlest things from our son being to loud or me asking her to sit with us can set her off to go hide and get high. She rarely leaves the house but gets high to do so, including to drive our son anywhere . My son tells me things like mom doesn't have time to play, she plays games all day or works on computer. Dinners are typically takeout, Mac n cheese or frozen pizza whatever the least possible effort is. House is always messier then when I leave, sinks full of dishes, laundry never done, all adult messes not talking kids stuff.

*I don't feel a stay at home mom needs to do all of these things alone, I think it should be a shared responsibility and it is very much not shared.*

I feel stuck because I work the night shift, I have a HS education and a pretty well paying job where I don't feel I can easily change job/shift. (Wife has a masters degree but does not like the teaching job its for)
I leave for work at 2pm and from the outside it is like my wife is the main one home. I would never leave if it would risk me not being with my son.
If I did opt to leave there's no way she would be honest about our life and likely end up in a toxic relationship like every other relationship she has had, that my son would be exposed to.
Her family has an idea of how she is , sleeping all day, smoking pot, medicated for anxiety and depression but they do not know to what extent as she is very good at putting on a happy face to the world.

What can I do? I feel trapped, we've had many talks, it very much feels like I'm talking to an angry teenager and never make any progress.
Losing custody of my son isn't an option for me.

I also want to say I'm not even against smoking pot and have never tried to get her to completely stop but she has a very dependant relationship with it, it is not the medicine she pretends it is but an escape from dealing with everything in her life. I see no positive in her as a person because if it where I'm sure there are many people that it helps.

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@Dadio321,

Oh my gosh at first can I say I am sorry with what you are going through.

Not sure if I have a good answer just trying to think it through.

Thinking of ah couple of things ..what do you feel about her? Do you still love her, care for her? If that is the case I would try to get her family together and see if there us a way to help her through this. Medical attention or mental health attention.

Otherwise and even so your child needs to be cared for...you could still split with her and have the help of her family..I do think it is important for kids to have an extended family...I don't know what do you feel about her family?

It is tough to tell but on the surface I would say your wife needs t
O get help or if she is unwilling you should split..not saying it is easy but for you and your child longer term.

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@Dadio321,

You're not stuck, you're an enabler. Exactly how does she afford the money for pot? She gets it from you. And why does she sleep until 1 pm? Because you want her to. It's easier for you to say she doesn't do anything because you'd rather allow that than not.

So you need to quit your bitching and DO something. Do not buy drugs. Don't allow her to buy drugs. Do not let your child to be around drugs.

It is as simple as that.

You know who is pretending? You. You are pretending you are the Savior, the Light, the Keeper-Of-The-House. If that were actually true, then start acting like it.

Absolutely no more drugs.

Period.

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@neptuneblue,

I am sure there are services available to you within your community, but the first thing is for you to get clarity on your situation, both emotionally and legally. So, that's what I'm suggesting. Reach out to others, ask them where to go. Ask her family for help, if you can, with your child.

You can't help an addicted person and it doesn't sound like she wants help. So... the main thing is for you to be able to take care of your child.

I don't know where you live, but 311 or whatever number you have there can guide you.

We, here, are not the answer or judge.

Best of luck.

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@Mame,

Any one who is a smoker knows the wake-n-bake routine. OP doesn't exactly come clean on a whole host of variety of issues.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue wrote:

Any one who is a smoker knows the wake-n-bake routine.

Sorry, you lost me there.

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@Mame,

That's because you are not now, or ever have been a drug user.

OP knows, maybe he'll chime in on how much he smokes before breakfast.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue wrote:

That's because you are not now, or ever have been a drug user.

Don’t worry Mame I can sort you out.

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@izzythepush,

Thanks, Izzy... I think I'll google it. Wake'n'bake.

Edit: ah, ok.

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@neptuneblue,

I appreciate everyone's advice, ty.

Neptune I feel your being a little to aggressive and doing alot of assuming. My wife has a small online shop she makes money from and has her own bank account, pot is legal where I live sho she can buy it anywhere. I think your also saying im also a drug addict? I'm not sure how your coming to this but im up with my son in the morning there is no wake and baking going on by myself I don't even drink alchohol around him.
We are in our 40s, I wake her up constantly, I can not force another adult to do things they aren't willing to do and its not my job to do so. Ive had endless talks repeating all these issues with her, im not hiding any feelings from her.

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@Linkat,

I didn't see these posts till late but was thinking of contacting her family as my next step about what is going on. They have some idea what she's doing but not that it is every day sleeping late or how much/often she smokes.

We did have a big argument tonight which I audio recorded, I brought up that she has been getting noticably worse and was planning to get into some changes she needs to make (had this talk many times) she actually Supried me and started saying she wanted to seperate with some ridiculous idea we would just split custody evenly out of court and something about still living together, it made no sense.
I said if we are separating were going to court and listed off all the problems from my original post, driving high with son, the sleeping and drugs all day, not doing any of the parental responsibilitie exct.

I do feel there's no real way for me to prove this in court which is the real scary part since from what I've read I can not use recordings which just means its my word vs hers and she's obviously not going to be truthful.
She wound up throwing out all her paraphernalia and pot saying she will clean up but it was more aimed towards for court than clean her act up.
After talking awhile she was appoligising and we talked about going to some form of therapy and I also asked her to go separately aswell and be more honest with them and really try and change these personal issues since I really feel most of our issues snowball from the marijuanna use. She feels like I don't think of her as a good mother and don't show love towards her which I agree but that is directly related to her actions which I said to her.
I do love her but i don't want to stay with her in the current state, I would defiantly rather fix this relationship than give up though.
So thats where Im at now.

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@Dadio321,

You will not lose custody of your son. There are three things that take kids away from the mother and those are drugs, alcoholism, and molestation. She is doing drugs and if she is accused in court, the judge is going to order drug tests. So you can most probably ask her to leave until such time as she can be clean and sober for your child for a reasonable amount of time, and then she can come home. A 30 day rehab can help with pot, it's not as addictive as meth or crack or heroine (thank God she doesn't do those). She is not doing anything at all with her life and this is being noticed and felt by your Son and it's your responsibility to get him out of this situation. You won't lose him you will be ensuring his safety. Talk to an attorney, you will be fine. I hate this for you, you sound like a really good father and husband.

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@Dadio321,

I do feel there's no real way for me to prove this in court which is the real scary part since from what I've read I can not use recordings which just means its my word vs hers and she's obviously not going to be truthful.
She wound up throwing out all her paraphernalia and pot saying she will clean up but it was more aimed towards for court than clean her act up.
After talking awhile she was appoligising and we talked about going to some form of therapy and I also asked her to go separately aswell and be more honest with them and really try and change these personal issues since I really feel most of our issues snowball from the marijuanna use. She feels like I don't think of her as a good mother and don't show love towards her which I agree but that is directly related to her actions which I said to her.
I do love her but i don't want to stay with her in the current state, I would defiantly rather fix this relationship than give up though.
So thats where Im at now.

If you know your wife would lie about this in court and rise up against you, her husband and lie and try to hurt you like that then you need to get rid of her lazy ass anyway. She's not a loving wife or a nurturing parent at all,she cares about herself and that's it. DIVORCE

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@neptuneblue,

Yes, definitely enabling her. Well said !!

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Working dad stuck with stay at home stoner.

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