Mommy, Im scared of my bed...or is it my room?

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Ever since we came back from New Mexico, Bean wakes up SCREAMING
bloody murder. When it is time to put her down , she SCREAMS.
Her routine for night time/ nap time has remained the same.
Nap time, we go upstairs, I change her diaper, and while she is drinking her bottle, she is rocked. When she is done with her bottle, I rock her a little more , usually about 5 minutes, then I put her in her bed, cover her and leave.
Night time - bath, lotion/massage, then to the rocking chair with her bottle.

No matter how tired she is, or how asleep she is when I put her down, she screams and cries. I have not faltered from my ' no pick up ' rule after she is in her bed but it seems to be getting worse and worse.
I have also not changed in my length of time rocking her. She has always been just a little tired when I put her in bed. I dont rock her to SLEEP.. i get her tired and let her get comfortable and fall asleep in her bed.

She cries like she is hurt..stands in her bed and will do this for sometimes up to 20 minutes before she sleeps.
When she wakes up , she will scream until she is pickedup.
One time ( here I go winning the horrible mommy award! ) i waited to see how long she would cry.. After 7 whole minutes , I went in to get her.
I dont believe she would have stopped.
This is new!

I understand that the trip to NM was a BIG change in her little life schedule. New bed, new people, new sights...everything.
Could this be residual discomfort from that change? Even though her regular schedule was employed immediatly after she got back?
Has she discovered a new fear in her room?
I have check her when she wakes up to make sure that her arms are not 'asleep', or her legs, check to make sure she wasnt bit by anything, she isnt cold, or hot, she hasnt been awake for a long time by herself either....
I just dont know where this is coming from?

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You say "scared". Are you sure that she is frightened? Could she just resent the time out of her "real" life for something as silly as sleep?

Does she cry with tears? Or just rage?

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How old is she now?

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I don't remember my own children going through this, but my little brother did (he was about 14-15 months old, and I was 16).

This is about the time night terrors might occur in some children. I'm sure sozobe can provide links and details.

IMO, comfort her. If she is only half awake or if you can't really tell if she's awake or not such as getting weird responses to questions, she's likely having night terrors. You aren't going to spoil her by comforting her during this time.

Luckily, if that is what it is, it's fairly short lived. I remember getting up with my brother for about a month or so and then he was back to sleeping through the night. (Long story, but I became his caregiver due to family situation)

Also, it happened during a couple of naps. He was mumbling about grandma and horses, so that's what I mean about weird responses or communications.

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Hmmm.

Was there anything different about the bed in New Mexico? Is she in a separate room at home and wasn't there? Was it a more closed in space?

I dunno. Did it exactly coincide with coming home from there?

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The onset of dreaming is confusing for many kids. Sometimes they are frightened. More often they want the dream world back.

"...and when I woke, I cried to dream again."

--Shakespeare

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she is crying with tears. And the reason I sense it as fear is because she is trembling and ' marching in place' as she does when she is really scared.

It could VERY WELL be that she is afraid she is missing out on something instead of being truly scared of 'something'....

She is 15 months.

She has not had any strange responces , nor does she appear to be sleepwalking in any way.
She doesnt wake up in the middle of the night doing this either. It i just her normal waking times that this happens. She always recognizes me and sometimes gets quiet for a split second when she hears the creak of the stairs. .

The reason i was thinking it could be associated with NM is because she slept in a diffrent bed, diffrent room, diffrent everything. She had a real hard time sleeping there.. though she wasnt 'moody' about it, she was definatly uncomfortable, waking up at all odd hours at night.. sleepy during the day etc..
Now, she is sleepy during the day, and no matter how hard I try, I cant seem to relax her enough to get a good amount of sleep.
It started the exact day we came back from NM and hasnt let up yet..
Maybe there really is no relation between new mexico and the behaviors i see now. But it is a good time frame.

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Noddy24 wrote:

The onset of dreaming is confusing for many kids. Sometimes they are frightened. More often they want the dream world back.

"...and when I woke, I cried to dream again."

--Shakespeare

that is an interesting thought.
It could be the disorientation from dream world to real world that is a bit frightening.. espically since she is now able to completely grasp her world, verbalize what she sees, and has the concept of object permanence.

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You say her regular schedule was employed immediately after you got back -- what about when you were gone?

Have you ever let her cry it out before this?

My preliminary thoughts are that you guys have a nice set routine, where the "no pick up" rule wasn't a big deal because she didn't get too upset. Then the trip put a monkey wrench in her routine and the "no pick up" rule became a very big deal indeed. I think that the rest of it could go from there -- that she is confused and insecure.

That kind of disruption of routine is a big deal for a 15-month-old, and you may need to take extraordinary measures to get things back to normal.

Anyway, will look around for more details, could well be night terrors. Main thing I'd like to know is whether the crying had been an issue before you left, and how you handled it then.

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sozobe wrote:

You say her regular schedule was employed immediately after you got back -- what about when you were gone?.

No.
When we were there, things were so out of order for her that her 'routine' became a quickie more then anything else. Rocking and bottle time never changed, but diaper changing took place on a bed instead of her changing table where we usually talk.. baths were earlier then bed time and usually it was my mom who was giving the bath.. and a few other things were diffrent.

sozobe wrote:

Have you ever let her cry it out before this?.

Yes.
She had to learn the 'no pick up' rule . But that only took 2 days. And if it got bad, i would walk in the room, stroke her back or sit in the rocking chair where she could see me for a few minutes, then leave again.
I only had to go back into her room twice while she was learning that. She caught on quickly..

sozobe wrote:

Main thing I'd like to know is whether the crying had been an issue before you left, and how you handled it then.

Honestly, no.
She never woke up this scared.
Never objected to going to bed this bad!
Usually, if she was still a little awake when I put her in bed, she would cry for about a minute... ( if that ) and then just sit quietly in her bed playing with her toes or nightgown until she was able to sleep.
If she ever woke up crying , there was a physical reason I could find.
One time, a string she had pulled from her night gown had gotten between her toes until the skin was red from irritation. She woke up crying because of that. Again.. something I could find.
If she woke up before me, she would sit contently in her bed, talk to herself.. etc until I got up , OR go back to sleep.
She wakes up normally at 7am. Now she is waking up sometimes at 5am and not wanting to go back to sleep. It isnt always that early,that was an extreme case that happened a few days ago.
Her crying is so hard sometimes she is coughing from it.

If this ever happened before, wich i truly dont remember it..
It was so close to her normal waking time that I just got up with her anyways. She has never lost sleep or slept for such short times over it , like she is now.

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I missed the part about screaming when you first put her to bed, not just after she's been asleep. Night terrors aren't usually remembered, but nightmares are.

My guess would be the diruption from the trip or perhaps a nightmare that has taught her to be afraid of sleep.

One sight I looked at suggested a little Benadryl at bedtime to help her sleep, but check with your pediatrician first. Personally, I would only go that route if I'd ruled out everything else and got the Docs okay. Then I would limit it to a few nights, just to help get the routine and rest back into her.

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I have tried chamomile tea.
I give her some with her juice at dinner and it helps her to calm down, but she is still screaming when I put her in bed.
It isnt that she isnt getting TO sleep, she is just scared shiitless of something I cant seem to understand... ( i think Confused

)

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OK, thanks for the additional info.

What I get from that is her routine was thoroughly disrupted by the trip (very common), and this meant that the routine didn't have its power to get her to sleep anymore.

That's one thing.

The other thing is that, once it didn't get her to sleep, she was in bed alone and scared and crying and somehow that didn't have the result she expected. This confused her more. A confused, insecure baby is one that will cry a lot and require more than the standard routine.

I think you need to ease her back into her routine. Be there for her, lay beside her, read a book by the nightlight, something. Focus on easing the crying, first. Do whatever you need to do to keep her from crying. Hold her, tickle her feet, whatever. Give her the message you're there for her and it's OK. Once you've gotten past that, then work on getting her back on schedule. Take her outside, run around, wear her out.

This is the other hard part of trips, not just when you're there, but the aftermath, especially if you've had such a set routine for so long. It will be easier after the next one, and easier yet after the one after that, etc.

Once you get things set a bit more, you might want to vary your routine a bit too, introduce a little more flexibility so the loss of the routine is not such a blow.

Note, crying it out works for some people, and while I am personally extremely opposed, I stop short of condemning it in general. What is most important to me, though, is whether it has been part of her life from the beginning or if it's new. If it's new, and with the other aspects of attachment parenting you've talked about here, I think it will work best if you focus on soothing her and making her feel more secure and attached, and then move on to doing something about schedules.

Good luck, I know this is hard, I've been there.

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what exactly are night terrors? Really vivid scary dreams?
Can kids her age have them?

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It doesn't really sound like night terrors to me -- those are more about waking up screaming rather than having a hard time falling asleep.

Quote:

NIGHT TERRORS

"I think my child is having night terrors."

It's the middle of the night and you are awakened by your child screaming from his bedroom. You rush in to see what's wrong and you find him sitting up in bed with a blank stare but very agitated. You try to wake him, asking him what is wrong but he doesn't respond, he just keeps screaming. You are scared and don't know what to do. After a few minutes, your child goes back to sleep and in the morning he doesn't remember the episode.

Characteristics of night terrors:

Your child seems frightened, but cannot be awakened or consoled.
Your child may sit up in bed, or walk around the room, screaming or talking senselessly.
Your child doesn't acknowledge you, his eyes may be open but he seems to stare right through you.
Objects or persons in the room might be mistaken for dangers.
Episodes usually last between 10 and 30 minutes.
Usually occur in children 1 to 8 years old.
Your child cannot remember the episode in the morning.
Usually happens within 2 hours of falling asleep.
Night terrors are harmless and each episode will end on its own.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/t071300.asp

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I really think these are the central components:

Quote:

No matter how tired she is, or how asleep she is when I put her down, she screams and cries. I have not faltered from my ' no pick up ' rule after she is in her bed but it seems to be getting worse and worse.

Quote:

She cries like she is hurt..stands in her bed and will do this for sometimes up to 20 minutes before she sleeps.
When she wakes up , she will scream until she is pickedup.

She starts when you put her down. She stops when you pick her up. It's getting worse -- she's getting more and more insecure and less and less confident that if she cries, you'll come comfort her.

It's not been long, it's eminently reversible, don't worry about it too much... but that's really what it sounds like to me.

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Lots of useful stuff here:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/t070300.asp

We were still co-sleeping at that age, (which has its positives and negatives), so I don't really have specific experience with this situation. While I've given my take, I worry a little bit that your base situation is different enough that following my advice would cause new problems.

One other thing you could do is just absolutely lavish attention on her during the day -- I'm sure you do already, but go all-out. Get as much attachment stuff in as you can during waking hours to help get her in a more secure place at night, no matter how you decide to handle the specific night-time situation.

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I'm with sozobe. Comfort her. Let her know you're there. I've never been afraid of spoiling babies that otherwise have rules / routines. It's the ones that get everything handed / done for them on demand that get spoiled and become holy terrors.

In Beans case, give her lots of love and comfort, sit on the floor by her bed and sing to her after you put her down for the night. You can reach through and pat or rub her back, then slow the motion and gradually withdraw as she falls asleep. Gradually move closer to the door each night and she'll adjust while also knowing you aren't abandoning her.

I had missed the part about her screaming when you put her to bed, so it wouldn't be night terrors. Just forget about that.

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I also read in the Dr Sears book about night problems (terrors ) and I didnt think that was what was going on simply because she was awake and it didnt happen in the middle of the night..only when she was put down and when she was ready to get back up.

Im not worried about spoiling her per-say. Just that an alteration in routine may make it harder to adjust to normality.
There is a big part of me ( no matter how bad it feels ) that says to just keep going on about business as usual and it will subside. Problem is, that is what I have been doing and it hasnt worked. Laughing

I will try the extra attention and see where that gets her. Im still a little iffy about staying in her room after I put her to bed. What Im afraid of is that she will just cry harder and get more frustrated because Im there and Im NOT picking her up... there is a part of me that things this action on my behalf will only drag things out more and make it harder...
BUT - on the flip side of the coin, it could prove to be the solution. ??

This is one of those times that the " mommy intuition ' fairy needs to come by and hit me in the head telling me what to do. HAHA!

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My take -- which is of limited use I think -- is to go ahead and pick her up until she's over the hump of being so upset. Like, first go ahead and pick her up when she's upset. Then ease away from that -- just be there with her, stroking her back or whatever. Then away from that, until you're back where you started (or somewhere nearby.)

From my perspective, the thing to do is bring her back from the brink of nighttime desperation by being there for her (including picking her up), and once the edge is off, go from there.

Again I worry that may take you places you don't want to go, though -- you get tired and fall asleep with her on you and she likes that and wants it again the next night, or something.

I know what you mean about that intuition fairy!!

Mebbe this'll give her a nudge?

Quote:

Stay flexible. No single approach will work with all babies all the time or even all the time with the same baby. Don't persist with a failing experiment. If the "sleep program" isn't working for your family, drop it. Develop a nighttime parenting style that works for you. Babies have different nighttime temperaments and families have varied lifestyles. Keep working at a style of nighttime parenting that fits the temperament of your baby and your own lifestyle. If it's working, stick with it. If it's not, be open to trying other nighttime parenting styles. And, be prepared for one style of nighttime parenting to work at one stage of an infant's life, yet need a change as she enters another stage. Be open to trying different nighttime approaches. Follow your heart rather than some stranger's sleep-training advice, and you and your baby will eventually work out the right nighttime parenting style for your family.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/t070300.asp

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Mommy, Im scared of my bed...or is it my room?

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