are these things deal breakers?

Reply Sun 24 Jan, 2021 11:47 am
I've been seeing a guy for a few months now, and I'm just not sure about him. I don't know if I'm just being too picky/snobby or if these things truly should be deal breakers. Help!

So he is in his late 20s and still lives with his parents. He has only lived on his own for less than a year (long story), but he chalks it up to it being a financial thing. I understand if someone is in school and still living with their parents, but this guy has a full time job so why is he still living there? He says he is going to move out sometime this year, but how do I know for sure...my main question too is does his mom do his laundry, cook and clean for him? I can't just ask him that right?! Something just seems off about it but I don't know if I should just let this go or not. I don't want to get into a relationship with this guy and then 6, 12 months down the line he's still living with his parents. How do I even know if he can actually take care of himself on his own?

Another thing is that he stays up late and sleeps in late. I don't necessarily love getting up early, but I do it to be productive. And thinking long term, I want to be with someone who will get up early with me too to have coffee and breakfast, or to go out and be active in the morning (hiking, boating, etc). If I'm with someone who is just sleeping all day I KNOW I'm going to be extremely annoyed and resentful. But again am I being too picky/snobby, should I let this go?

Lastly, he makes about half as much money as I do. While this specifically doesn't really bother me, he is giving me the vibe that he is extremely cheap. I don't care to spend money on things, but I do like to take nice vacations and treat myself once in a while to massages and things like that. I don't want to have to be the one constantly planning things or footing the bill because the guy is too cheap to want to do anything.

Maybe we're just incompatible. But I also feel ridiculous to just cut things off because of these things. We do have fun together and he's a nice guy. But I'm not sure he is as ambitious as I like guys to be. But I don't want to focus on the wrong things here. Honest advice and opinions welcome. Thank you!
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Reply Sun 24 Jan, 2021 01:30 pm
Since he has less money, being cheap is the responsible thing to do. Would you feel better if he was racking up serious credit card debt?

Like lots of people who come through here, you're falling into an all or nothing mindset. If his full time job lets him start work late, then he's just taking advantage of a perk. If not, then yeah, he may be dangling like a thread there. There's no law that says you can't ask him when his work day starts.

Also - there's no law against you hiking on your own, or with friends. Couples don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7, and they don't have to have the same interests.

So see if he'll get up with you once a week to do something fun or at least different. But all 7 days? No, just no.

Also, he might be staying up late and getting up late because his mom could very well be enabling his behavior. If she's doing his wash, etc., then yeah, she probably is. People who have chores to do just plain don't have the time to stay up late and play hour after hour of World of Warcraft (or whatever), and they don't have the time to sleep a good chunk of the day away. He doesn't have to be constantly busy (no one should be). But if he's happily letting his mom wait on him hand and foot, you may want to rethink the entire relationship. Because you may be the next person he happily lets wait on him hand and foot.

Not everyone is driven, ambitious, with a Type A personality. Again, life doesn't have to be all or nothing. He can be a more laid back person but still do okay.

The question isn't so much what he'll be satisfied with, but what you will be satisfied with. Do you want children (they're expensive)? Do you want to be a homeowner? Do you want fancy clothes and other trappings of money? You don't have to sit on a gold toilet to have serious bucks. Or even not so serious bucks. But it sure is nice to not have to struggle. Think about if you'll be struggling in the future if you stay with him. If you will, then rethink things.

Oh, and massages and nice vacations are lovely, but you know what's really awesome? Having a significant retirement nest egg, being able to afford a down payment on a home, and, as I said, not struggling. Your boyfriend may seem cheap to you. But to me, you seem to be wasting money - money that you'll wish you had in the future.
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Reply Sun 24 Jan, 2021 01:54 pm
Reading what you wrote, you two don't sound compatible. There is nothing wrong with that. It means you are two people who don't belong together. It sounds like you are already thinking this.

You might try talking openly with him about what you want. Focus the conversation on what you are feeling, that way you won't be blaming him. Tell him "I need to be able to plan for a future" or "I would like to be able to get up early and have coffee with you some time". It is possible that he may be able to give you some of what you need.

But it sounds like you are looking for a partner that isn't him. The best thing is to be honest and open and to end the relationship respectfully.

Tell him that the relationship was nice (I assume there were some things you enjoyed) but that it is just not what you need for the long term. Don't attack him or criticize him or blame him. It is not your job to judge him or to fix him and maybe some other person will love him as he is.

Simply tell him that it is time to move on.

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Reply Fri 29 Jan, 2021 05:08 am
When in my twenties, I had a few critical dealbreaker criteria for pursuing a relationship beyond the three-date mark. This realization came over a period of time. When I made exceptions, it often blew up on me.

One such criteria was she had to have a sense of humor. I’m a fan of word play and puns etc. So if she wasn’t tuned into that, it wasn’t going to workout .

Another was was she had to have compassion and tolerance for others as well as self. Also she had to be charitable and generous (and also generous of spirit). However, there are people who have little money but are still giving of themselves.

Whether they donate their time to social causes (meals-on-wheels, etc.) it didn’t matter. As long as it was in some way contributing to helping others, even relatives. It’s not about money, necessarily. However, when low on money (as a male) it required me to be more creative with coming up with things to do or places to go.

Lastly, if she did live at home, it was temporary unless her parents needed her help with daily activity.
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