In Love with a Married Man

No, I wouldn't, but that's not what you're suggesting. You're suggesting staying in a stale marriage (for appearances sake?) and creating a new, illegitimate family with the other women. You have no intention of letting your heirs know about your double life, and yet when the time comes to deal with your estate there will be half-siblings that they aren't aware of. But, you'll be gone then, what do you care about the shocks your children are left to live with for the rest of their lives? I see you as a very selfish man and this idea makes me ill.

What would I do? Get a divorce, bring my new partner out of the closet. Invite my grown children to the wedding, the children's naming ceremonies and their birthday parties. Let them decide how much they want to be involved. Let your wife (current and future) hold their heads high.

Oh, never mind - do whatever you want. You have already set that precedent.

Hard to believe two women would want one man who is that stupid and uncaring about his children.

I'll stick with the "grow up" suggestion.

If it works for them, great. I didn't invent the boundaries of marriage so if all are happy then why change it?

The Married Man and the Wife care a lot about each other. They are just not lovers anymore.

Do you think a woman who is in a stale marriage would necessarily want a divorce?

Do you think the Married Man marrying the Other Woman would erase 35 years of memory held collectively between the Married Man and the Wife?

In whose eyes would the Wife and the Other Woman "hold their heads up" if the Married Man just marries the Other Woman? Do you think the Married Man would love the Other Woman more if they get married? Who benefits out of this new marriage? Who could possibly get hurt?

Yes, inheritance could have been an issue. The Other Woman would not need the Married Man's money. Nor will her would-be children need inheritance from the Married Man.

Well, I would think it would be quite beneficial to any future children with the "other woman" if she were married to the "loving" father.

Who would this marriage hurt? Well, possibly any other children born into the current marriage(grown or not), but daddy'o shacking up, reproducing with someone else in their parent's home is a tad more disturbing.

I don't understand. If everyone in this situation is so financially stable on their own, why not cut all ties and let everyone move on? Why not let "the wife" go on about her business and find someone who will respect her for all she's worth and treat her accordingly?

Reply to in Love with a Married man.
truly

Re: Reply to in Love with a Married man.

i second to that!

The Married Man does not want more children

Do you believe by divorcing a spouse, one has cut the ties with that spouse? What about 35 years of memory, relatives, common friends, children and lives that had been interwined for 35 years?

How is the Wife going find someone who would "respect her" when she's approaching 60 (She is older than the Married Man)? She's settled into her community. She wants to be near the children. She is not a 25-year old that could just move somewhere else, find a new man and start a new life.

If you have a wife for 35 years, would you divorce her because you don't no longer feel romantic attraction for each other? Even if you have found a new live, would you just leave her?

Re: In Love with a Married Man
You answered to this question yourself in your first post.

Well, 35 years of marriage definitely didn't come into play when the "married man" decided to roll in the sheets with another women, did it?

Is there an age one reaches where they're deemed "unrespectable"? She's still a woman, and 60 is not ancient. The woman's not dead...and I guarantee there's a man out there that would absolutely adore her.

Personally, if I respected "the wife" as much as "the married man" claims to, I would've let her go long ago.

I can only hope "the wife" soon realizes what a narcisstic asshole her husband of 30 years has become, establishes a new identity for herself, and lives the rest of her days with someone who honestly appreciates everything she has to offer, and even more for what she had to endure at the hands of a man who believes one could not live without him.

I wish there were older adults that could comment and share your views.

Only because I know of so many marriages that are held together because the couple dutifully stayed together. I appreciate that, even though I wouldn't be able to practice that. There is a sense of emotional stability for the whole family. Kids can understand parents' divorce but are we sure that does not affect them in some way even when the kids are adults? Stability is not built on hot sentiments. Mostly, it is built on the sacrifice of adventures and dramatic new experiences.

The Wife lives in the same small town for thirty years. She doesn't want to wander and courti new men anymore. She needs peace.

The Married Man is not with the Other Woman just for sexual reason. He could forfeit sex, as he had done for many, many years once his wife lost interest in that.

There are still many people who would want to be a "Mrs." for the rest of their lives, even though there is no romantic love remains. Beyond romantic love, marriage is also an institution, which the society identifies with. The society treats older married women better. I have seen nurseries predominated by older, lonely women and wish there were more programs and social structure that cater to older women's needs.

Do you know the older men/women ratio? As you get older, it gets to be less than one to four.

In reply to about the emotional damage to the children. It exists, and children who come from divorce families have a much harder time trusting. They are hurt when the one parent leaves and has another family and ditches their own children. My father left me, my husband left my son. Did we deserve this? No. Read a book by Jim and Sally Conway, Adult Children of Emotional or Legal Divorce, this should give you insigt as to what the consequences are for one parent leaving. You might have second thoughts about damaging the innocent.

Hkgn,

Thank you for sharing your experience. This would be a unpleasant consideration for you, but this is an issue that many respondents had brought up:

"If your dad does not love your mom romantically anymore, and mom and dad want to pursue different life styles, do you think he should stay in the marriage so you can be happier even when you are already an adult and live away from mom and dad? How long should they do this?"

Our case is that the children are adults and the three-some involved are middle-aged people approaching old age. The Man, the Wife and the Other Woman did not want to change any marital status or let the children know about the relationship. The issue of children came up because some respondents had suggested that the Man and the Wife should part their ways, children should know and will understand.

I'm uncertain of the analogy of our situation to your experience of "your father left you and your husband left your son." A divorce would be between the Man and the Wife, although none of the three parties involved want to pursue divorce/remarriage here. There is no consideration or intention of "leaving the children." (Like most parents, it often seems the Man and the Wife are at the mercy of the children's busy life schedule as when they can see the children)

davidsox,

you have gotten some good advice here, what else are you looking for?
You are three middle-aged people with grown children
who live their own lives. Would you like for your grown kids to remain in a loveless marriage in order to please you?
Probably not!

The question you have to ask yourself is: What will happen,
if you stay married, and tell your mistress that you won't
start a new family with her? What will the mistress do, and can you live with the consequences?

I disagree with staying in a marriage for the stability of the kids. When you are in a loveless marriage you think the kids don't pick up on this, and in loveless marriages comes fighting. Is this good for the kids and does this make them feel stable I don't think so.

I grew up in a home of a lot of fighting and unhappiness, my father stayed because he had 7 children to raise. There were times they would fight so much my father moved out of the house, I remember how peaceful it was with him gone. At one point he asked each one of us if we wanted him to come back, I only said yes because I did not want to hurt his feelings my sister told him no. It was just so much more peaceful in the house, did we stop loving him no but the feeling of being able to come home and know I might go to sleep without a fight was a great feeling. He stayed until we all grew up- was this healthy for us 7 I would say no, all of us kids have been divorced except my one sister. We still have issues of trust and I have been to counseling to help me see what a healthy relationship should be. I am divorced with 2 children and chose not to stay in a marriage that was going no where, I would rather my kids learn what a healthy relationship can be like instead of seeing their father and me with no love. I want them to understand how important love and trust and respect is in a relationship. Although I have recently had my issues in a current relationship I am still trying to overcome some things. I say if you don't love her and have happiness with someone else than go for it, we all live our lives one time and we all need to be happy. The kids will come to understand it as they mature.

Trfirst, Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I'm sure this post is dead as it was months ago. Wish I had found this forum then. It has been interesting reading all of the responses as you could be talking about my life, almost to a T.

Hello and welcome to a2k.
So you're the other woman whose lover won't leave his wife?
Have you made changes or are you still involved with him?

Thank you so much for the welcome.

Yes, I am still with him. 12 years this month. Ours is, a money issue, for the two of them, not for me.

Our issues are different, yet very much the same. We are all older, with grown children, and grandchildren, we have none together.

As the years have passed, things have changed and over time I dont expect the same things that I did when I was younger and have grown somewhat comfortable in the situation. I have my life, he has his and we have ours. I have no idea about her as I think that she thinks it is long over between him and I, however since he is at my house as much as he is his own, I find it hard to believe, but nothing surprises me any more.

My entire family knows him, only a few know me from his side. At one time the entire town knew of us but I think they either no longer care about the gossip or they too think that it is over.

I make no excuses, just thought you might wish to hear from one of the other sides, as I think the thoughts and feelings are different from each person in a relationship like this.

I certainly wouldnt reccomend it, nor would I ever do it again. I think my heart has been broken so many times over the years that it doesnt even matter to me any more.

Hello again

I wish you wouldn't have used "the other woman" as name,
but you probably lose part of your identity being just that,
don't you? It takes a lot of stamina to share someone you
love with another person, and I only can imagine the
emotional rollercoaster you've been through.