I Didn't Listen -- My marriage and My wife may be lost!!

we agree to disagree there kiwi (sorry about the misnomen, I read your name as Kwic chick, its the lysdexia)

no worries....yep it would be a boring world if we all agreed!

warned.. is it a possibility that she is over stressed with kids, college, house work? I am asking because it works like that for me. If I am over stressed between work, kid, house work I tend to be snappy and for everything that is going wrong I blame it on my husband Just to assure you I am working on that as well

So back to you... IMO if you trying to read mind, there are chancesof reading the wrong thoughts. So ask and encourage your wife to share her feelings with you. And as farmer man said ask her to help you in correcting yourself. And this is important.. don't take offense when she is correcting you for your actions. See it as.. she does not like this behaviour and let me correct it.

Well, I went to my counseling session yesterday. It was good to have a non-biased person to hear what I had to say.

After the session I came back and talked to my wife who was still very angry/frustrated about our whole situation. During the conversation with my wife she indicated to me that there is one thing that I could admit to that would relieve the tension and anger that she has about our situation. I searched the archives of my mind and came up with one event that happened a couple of years ago that I had never discussed with her. I had consciously blocked this out and coined it up as not that big of a deal. An occasion when she was out of town I made phone contact with another woman in attempt to meet up with this woman. The encounter didn't happen. After the contact I was ashamed and aggravated with myself about the poor decision I made and also knew what my wifes reaction would be if she found out about my attempt. In my infinite wisdom I decided not to say anything figuring it wasn't going to cause a problem. As I should have known, she knew.(woman's intuition?) She didn't know any details or who but she knew something was up. My wife, as well as I, have carried the burden since then. Our recent deterioration of our relationship promtped her to find out what went on and she did. She was waiting for me to tell her about it. I did, in detail. Of course she is hurt by all of this and rightfully so, but the issue is on the table.

With all of this said, we had a lengthy conversation about us and our children. My wife was glad that I was finally honest with her but said she could not longer be married to a man that would violate the trust of marriage for the length of time that I did. I know I made a mistake. I have never physically cheated on my wife but the intent was there. For many this could be a hurdle that could be gotten over but for her this is unacceptable. At least now we are talking. Of course we are talking about the best way forward toward an amicable divorce and peaceful relationship afterward. I have asked her to take a couple of days away before we discuss any details and a way forward.

I have seriously apologized. I also told her that if she can find it in her heart to offer forgiveness that I do want to work things out. She has declined but I won't give up hope. The lines of communication are open and I will keep them that way. I refuse to beg (I know she doesn't want that) but I do let her know I love her and respect her stance on the issue and will continue to do so. I also know that she loves me so I will give her time and distance to sort this out but will be there for her.

Imagine that....I'll be doing all of the stuff that a husband in love with his wife should be doing.

It will be interesting to see what you all have to say....don't hold back, I can take it...

Thanks farmerman --

well which ever way it goes, I wish you all the best for your future!

If it weren't for the children, I would say there's too much water under the bridge, let her go. But when young children are involved, you both need to do everything possible to give them a stable home with two happy, loving parents. The stakes are higher.

I do want to say that I've been dealing with thyroid medications for about ten years now, and I've never noticed regular changes in mood like you describe. True, when the dosage was too high I become hyperactive and irritable, but that was quickly corrected. If the dosage was too low, I became sluggish and couldn't concentrate. Not enough energy to complain about anything. It doesn't take that long to determine the correct dosage, and once it is determined, only very minor adjustments are ever necessary, and very seldom. There certainly shouldn't be enough of a fluctuation to cause noticeable symptoms. If she is needing her thyroid medication adjusted every three months, she should find another doctor. I've had blood drawn every three months, and they haven't needed to change my dosage in six years.

warned, good luck with all you're both going through, please let us know how it goes, okay?

Well, my wife informed me today that she has appreciated that I have given her time to think and the relaxed atmosphere for her to clarify the decision she made last week. She also told me that there is no recourse for our marriage, no counseling, no repair, no matter how bad that I would want that to happen and her decision is final. I told her I don't agree with her decision; I want to do what is necessary to work things out. I was told I should have thought about that a long time ago when I made the decision to act in a way that essentially destroyed our marriage. I accept that my actions were wrong. I know it was a mistake but I also know that I have a lot to offer and have learned a lot over the years. I made some mistakes and another woman will benefit from all of this. She will now have to train somebody else….no question she is an upstanding women or I wouldn't have married her in the first place. Life must go on.

We are having amicable conversations and plan to sit down to map out a way forward with all of the "D" stuff. We both have agreed with each other to keep it out of the courts and use a mediator to file what is necessary.

A major next step to figure out how to have the conversation with our 6 year old. Any advice on talking to her about what mommy and daddy are doing would be appreciated……

you are now on a level position with which to face her and let her know that she's loved alot. If she chooses this step, let her know that you wont like it, youll be devestated but that you hope she changes her mind. It sounds like shes been hurt in a way that you have to understand fully before you can even hope to hope to repair the relationship.

Took the kiddos to a friends house so we could have another conversation about things. My wife said that she has thought about everything long enough and it is time to get out of limbo land and move on. She intends to start the paperwork today. We agreed to use a mediator and try to work through this as best we can. She said that we could and should be friends for the kids. She told me she can't ever be at a trust level with me that would allow her to be married to me. I told her that this was not what I wanted but if she is certain that I would stop doing things that are attempts at reconciling the marrige. I also told her that any debate about what led her to this decision is done. The only way we can be friends is to move forward and not look back.

It won't be easy but we are adults. We both want what is best for the kids (that's a work in progress) because we have plenty time to figure out what is right for us as individuals.

I am sorry that this turned out that way but perhaps it is for the best. Like farmerman said, all you can do is let her know how you feel and then let her go. You can't hold her in this marriage.

Maybe it is too late to save the marriage but at least you can know you tried. Get dry, get better and then proceed to be the best father you can be to you kids.

Good luck.

The last few days I have adjusted my approach to give the persona that I am okay with the path we are taking. I also took off my wedding ring. This, my wife noticed the same day. She asked me why I took it off and I told her that she has been adamant that there is no recourse and that our marriage is over. I have told her in the last couple of weeks that I would do anything to work this out. When she asked about that statement I made I told her that I had accepted her decision about us and that I needed to start focusing on moving on. The ring represents us and there is no longer an us so I won't wear it. She immediately asked me if there is someone else. I replied no and said I am not in a place right to deal with pursuit of another woman. My primary focus is the kids and myself.

She told me today that she had a promising job prospect and will move out as soon as she knows about the job. I told her that there was no hurry for her to move because it will be soon enough I will not be able to see the kids daily. But I told her that it was her choice.

I don't want to lose her but I can't be a pawn either. I will act as if things ar okay trudge ahead...............

warned,

I am truly sorry for your entire family. Having gone through a divorce myself, I can empathize with the sadness and internal struggles you are going through now and will face in the upcoming months.

I hope you have some family members or at least some very good friends who will help support you emotionally during this very stressful time.

Always try to remember to keep the kids first and foremost in your thoughts and deeds. As already mentioned, they are the ones who will need the strength and love of both parents throughout all of this.

I wish you the very best, warned. Please stay in touch here if you feel like it and still going to your counselor sounds like a great idea, now more than ever.

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

No need to pretend things are ok...they aren't. And even if you act like they are for the kids, they can sense that dad isn't 100%.

Your best bet is to start thinking about custody and how you want to do it. Find a lawyer and start making decisions. Do you want the kids 100% or just visitation? Remember that this decision needs to be for the kids, not for you. Good luck and keep us posted.

Well, we met with the mediator a few days ago and things went surprisingly well. Naturally it will be a challenge for both of us financially but over time I guess it will be fine. Many of the details for the paperwork are already set forth by the state and related guidelines. We were able to agree on everything which will get the ball rolling.

I was able to spend some time away with the kiddos this weekend. I really enjoyed being with them and had a lot of fun. I know they enjoyed it to.

This was the first time we were away and I had a lot of time to think with no other adults around. I must say I didn't like that part of it at all. I am trying to keep a positive attitude and tell myself that all is going to be okay but I wonder sometimes. It was good to give my wife some time alone but I was amazed at how much I missed her. I know her mind is made up (she presents herself to that fact so well too) and this is the path she chooses but I do hate it. I want her to be happy and I know that her being happy is without me(easy to say but god awful hard to do). That fact is what eats at me the most. I see her interact with other people and reflect back when we used to be that way. I am still very attracted to her and it becomes almost overwhelming that I want to just be around her. .

We are still waiting on paperwork to file for the D, probably be middle of next week and then we can file.

The daily emotions are unbelievable!!! SOme days are great and then wham!!, a couple of days of horror!!

My STBX hasn't moved out yet and I still see her every evening. I am still totally attracted to her even though I feel that she can't stand me. We are cordial most days and coexist. The benefit is that I see the kids every day the downside is I feel like I'm lusting over some stranger. I am near her, want her, think of her but can't touch her or connect with her in any way!!!

I'm hoping when she does finally move out it will help......

...geez how torturous for you, the sooner she goes the better for your sake. Im sorry to see this is still dragging on for you.

An update…..

My STBX has began the process of moving. Even though we haven't filed for the D she has borrowed some money and is renting a house in another town. I know this is for the best but it is not very easy right now. Our paperwork to file should be ready next week in the middle of the week (again)…..at least that is what we have been told.

Last night things really hit home because the house was quiet and more reality was setting in. I'm hoping things will get better but man this is tough. She seems so…okay….with everything. I guess she is because it's her decision for the D.

I should let things go but in my head I keep dwelling on her being with someone else and what my upcoming devastated financial situation will be for several years to come. I really try to focus on positives like being with my kiddos when I can but the negatives are what's keeping me up at night. I just keep thinking that the punishment doesn't fit the crime….she is the judge and jury though….

It's been about 2 months since she dropped the bomb and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I want her to go so I can move on but in the overall scheme of things I don't want anything to change.

I, Warned, I read all the posts.

If it's any comfort, I don't think the fault was yours.

She was at home all day, home-schooling and going to college online. And you came home to help with housework and cooking? She was isolated. One person cannot be everything to another. She needed to get out, out in the big world, and unfortunately, couldn't seem to bring herself to do that without the drama of the divorce.

You could have become everything and anything she would have wanted, and she still would have blamed you for her unhappiness. I think you are the scapegoat here for her. I think she manipulated you into accepting more blame than you deserve, because it's easier for her to think that it is your fault, than to think maybe some of her unhappiness has to do with her.

BTW, I went to school full-time, helped my child with his homework at night, worked full-time, and kept my house clean, laundry done, bills paid, and food on the table.

I think she took you for a ride, and then blamed you when her train didn't stop where she thought it would.

So sorry you are going through this.

You seem like a terrific partner, and any reasonable woman would be happy to be with you!

And nobody's perfect.

She probably deserved the occassional snide remark. You were sensitive to her thyroid issues, she could have been sensitive to the fact that you were / are tired from working so many long hours, and then coming home to more work. Where was her understanding?

And dredging up stuff from years ago? There should be so much life happening in a person's life, that "years ago" isn't even an issue.

I think she was empty of soul and mind.

And that is not your fault.

By the way, feel free to cover my living expenses while I go to college and get several degrees.

Nobody has ever offered me that kind of support.

For that, I would raise you up as a king in your own home, and spoil you beyond your wildest dreams. And anything "wrong" you did, would be the most charming thing anyone ever did!

And anything kind you did would be appreciated with unrestrained expression.

You will be just fine. I've no doubt.

She, on the other hand, will probably struggle, until she can find someone else willing to take some blame for her unhappiness.