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Is flirting with other women on facebook cheating?

 
 
TK01
 
Reply Mon 2 Mar, 2020 04:46 am
My partner and I had been together for 16 months, I found out last week that he was talking to 2 other women on fb, one based in south Africa and the other in the USA. The messages were quite flirty and he seemed to have developed a friendship with women he didn’t know. When I see the messages, my heart dropped as I thought we were so happy, we were planning to move in together and get married. I felt that my world had come to an end.
I was so hurt. This had been going on for a few months.
What are your thoughts on this?
 
jespah
 
  7  
Reply Mon 2 Mar, 2020 07:52 am
@TK01,
Unless he's actively planning to meet these women, then let it go.

And if you found out by snooping in his private stuff, then your relationship has other significant issues.
Linkat
 
  3  
Reply Mon 2 Mar, 2020 10:03 am
@jespah,
It also depends on the level of flirting - is this just "harmless" flirting? Meaning just on the surface or is this deeper. For example, is it crossing the line where it is actually sexual or deeply personal.

If it is just casual stuff then it is more likely harmless fun and meaningless.

I mean I have developed friendships on here - but there is no reason to think I am going to scope out some guy in reality - or have an interest to do so.

It is also ok to have a friendship with the opposite sex.
chai2
 
  4  
Reply Mon 2 Mar, 2020 10:18 am
@Linkat,
I wonder where the OP is from?
The people he's "flirting" with are in S Africa & the USA. If they live in Europe I don't really see much resulting from this.

I would need to hear from the OP examples of what is being said. In her mind, even just talking to another female sets off alarms, or he could be honestly be getting inappropriate.

My husband of 26 years was a major flirt. It was directed at woman-kind in general.
It wasn't that I made myself turn a blind eye to it. There was simply nothing to get distressed about. It was just his way.
He loved and respected women, and I think he saw this as a way to make them feel a little special. And it did from what I could tell.
Medusax
 
  0  
Reply Mon 2 Mar, 2020 12:48 pm
@TK01,
The first step.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Mon 2 Mar, 2020 01:23 pm
@Medusax,
To what?

Realizing people talk to members of other genders?
TK01
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Mar, 2020 02:17 am
@chai2,
chats were very intimate, this wasn't just talking to the opposite sex which i have no problem with.
Linkat
 
  3  
Reply Tue 3 Mar, 2020 06:39 am
@TK01,
Do you feel comfortable giving us an example? I do think there is a point where talking online can cross from flirting to cheating.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Mar, 2020 06:55 am
What is the Purpose of these communications? How did they get started? Were they initially based on anything ( job, games, hobbies?) Is he paying for this chat time with them?

What do you mean by “ flirty”?

If your BF is in need of this kind of “ interactions” then he has too much time on his hands or needs some kind of extra attention that will stress out his real-life partner.

Don’t move in with him until you explore this issue.

Your ages?
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  0  
Reply Tue 3 Mar, 2020 10:51 am
@chai2,
No. "Flirty' talking is the first step to affairs and all the pain that goes with it.
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  0  
Reply Tue 3 Mar, 2020 10:53 am
@TK01,
Exactly. There are people on here that will tell you giving sexual come ons to the opposite sex are just fine in a relationship. Even an affair is 'ok'.
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Mar, 2020 01:00 pm
@TK01,
Yes.
0 Replies
 
oliverm
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 5 Mar, 2020 04:18 am
If you want a long-term relationship, yeah, be yourself. If you're looking for a quick lay, be whoever you think will turn her on.
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Sun 8 Mar, 2020 07:45 am
@chai2,
If someone's husband flirted with me, especially with his wife around, he would not have liked the result. It's called decency and respect.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 8 Mar, 2020 08:59 am
@Medusax,
You don’t understand the difference between serious and innocent flirting.

I guess you’re glad you weren’t married to my husband, and i’m Glad I wasn’t married to you.

Flirting doesn’t have to be in a “hey, wanna ****?” way.

His flirting made a woman feel good about herself, and did no harm in any way. It had no sexual content, or context. It wasn’t a constant barrage.

Women liked him, thought well of him, appreciated he could be counted on to make them feel special and I suspect were once in a while a little jealous of me that I had him all to myself where it counted.
I never felt threatened or jealous because I knew with whom his heart was.
I was never going to be that petty twit that felt they had to break someone’s spirit because of their own insecurities.
It was his nature.
It’s one of the things I first liked about him.
Why would I want to quash the person is was, and be a bitch in the process?

Some people flirt with intent it will go further.
Some don’t
My husband didn’t, and had strong boundaries
It was something that was never an issue
I knew who he was home with every night.

chai2
 
  3  
Reply Sun 8 Mar, 2020 09:09 am
Oh, and if some woman didn’t like who he was, and “showed him” with me present, I would have told them to cool their jets.

I never saw that happen though, because as I said, he had boundaries, it wasn’t sexual, and he was always respectful.
Actually, thinking about it, he really had an awesome talent.

He could simultaneously make another woman feel special and respected, was not threatening to other men, or to our relationship, and never stepped over a line.

0 Replies
 
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Mar, 2020 05:45 am
@TK01,
God forbid that he should be close to any other human but you.
That would be 'an emotional affair', that’s worse than screwing that other bitch! (Or bastard, you can never rule out that he hide his real orientation, ya know.)

What a ******* hole we have dug for ourselves.
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  3  
Reply Wed 11 Mar, 2020 01:16 pm
I think it comes down to trust. I was a bit of a flirt when my wife met me and I am still a flirt after nearly 38 years of marriage. I do not flirt with any intention of pursuing a physical relationship. It is innocent fun and my wife is fine with it because she trusts me. And she also knows, from experience, that all she has to do is tell me she is uncomfortable with my being flirtatious with a woman and it will end. (Long story short, she became uncomfortable with some flirting between me and a woman on my bowling team many years ago. She told me she was uncomfortable and I immediately stopped flirting. And then once the season was over, I planned to move to another team to remove myself from constantly being around this woman. As it turned out, she decided not to come back the following year. But the bottom line is that my love for my wife and our relationship trumps anything. And she knows it which is why she trusts me.)

So no, I don't see the harm in flirting. But that said, if you love someone and value a relationship, you should be willing to tone it down if it makes your partner uncomfortable.

If the OP is truly uncomfortable, she needs to speak to him about it. If he is unwilling to stop something that makes her uncomfortable, then she will need to decide if the relationship is worth putting up with his behavior.

chai2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Mar, 2020 02:19 pm
@CoastalRat,
Amen to all of this CoastalRat

In addition, if you are uncomfortable, ask yourself why first, rather than automatically asking the other person to stop.

If it's because you're afraid your partner is going to cheat on you, then why are you with them in the first place?
If it's because you're "insecure", perhaps that's what needs to be worked on, not demanding another change their personality because of your inability to trust.

With your wife, even if the case where she asked you to start flirting with a particular person, it might not have been that you were the one making her uncomfortable, but the reacation of the other person, which you may not have been seeing.

One time he and I, plus another couple were at diner. We were visiting his home state.
There was a woman sitting in the booth behind us, that turned out knew my husband from way back in high school
There was the usual hellos, and he in his usual way told her she looked good etc.
I noticed when he turned away for a moment she was giving him a long hard look.
He turned one more time to say something, and she was all set to make her play, until I turned and gave her a warning glance. She made me uncomfortable, not him. She took the hint well.

If that happened with someone that lived close to us, not a few states away, maybe it would have come to me explaining to him how she had stepped over a line. I'm sure he would have respected that.
Leadfoot
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 11 Mar, 2020 02:35 pm
@CoastalRat,
Yep, that’s the way it starts. You cut off one small piece of yourself at a time until they no longer feel threatened. And of course your beloved returns the favor.
You both end up smooth and round and plain as a cueball. Then you both get bored with the other. You get bored with you. Then if you two were a good match, you comfortably settle into a peaceful coexistence together til death do ya part.
 

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