Wife won't talk about or engage in sex

Bad advise that works:

go to gym and get in shape, start eating better, buy lots of new clothes, and dont ask for sex. I dont know why but it works.

No improvement
I'm still in this situation. I've talked about it with my counselor--in fact, it's probably the main topic we discuss. My counselor and I have tried to strategize how to get my wife into some kind of conversation--brainstormed questions to ask my wife that wouldn't be aggravating for her to answer. Somehow I haven't made any progress.
When my wife and I are together in public, such as at our kid's daycare, she'll act as if there's nothing wrong between us. We'll kiss goodbye in front of others. But the kissing never happens in bed--and I know from experience with her that it wouldn't lead to anything, anyway. I don't pursue physical intimacy with her anymore, haven't for months, because it's always resulted in an unpleasant response from her.
I flirt more aggressively with women I meet--I find several of the daycare providers pretty attractive, and occasiionally women I see on the job are pretty attractive, too. But I don't take any steps past the flirting--I'm not ready for that. But I do continue to think about getting involved somehow with someone else, although I don't know how I could do it in my situation.
I'm writing this at 4:21 AM on a Saturday morning. As usual, my son is sleeping with my wife. Last night I went to bed with both of them, as is often the case. Usually I get up and go to the other bedroom to sleep--sometimes right after reading to my son, sometimes in the middle of the night, after sleeping for a few hours. But I woke up about 20 minutes ago, and wanted to express my thoughts on this forum.
My counselor has stated that the sleeping situation may be harmful to my son's development, aside from the fact that I don't like it. I want him to grow up healthy. The counselor says that when my son reaches the age that sexual feelings start to develop, it may be confusing to him that he's sleeping next to his mother.
I'm concerned that he may never learn how to happily sleep in his own bed. He may develop a phobia about being alone at night.
My counselor suggested that I call our pediatrician and ask her to bring the topic up at our son's next check-up--he'll be four years old in January.

I'm late for this thread but have you stopped to consider that maybe your wife is fine with having sex..... just not with you?

Is this the only child that either of you have?

A-109

I know your frustrated....I would be also, if in your same shoes...(whose to say I might not be in the future) but something is going to have to give...

Why your wife has been so persistant in not talking about what is bothering her, is besides me..but its not right....she does owe you an explanation to some extent on why things are as they are???

A question? You still haven't answered one thing...was she sexual before the marriage, and/or the child? And you say that she's stopped and won't even talk about it since the child's birth?

Is this her only child? Maybe thats all she wanted out of the relationship was a child and nothing more???

And one more thing...each to their own...with their children sleeping with them....I have a 7 year old that I still wake up in the middle of the night to find crawled off into bed with me and my husband...he's usually buried up underneath the covers, between the two of us, with his head on the other end. Its a wonder I haven't kicked the fire out of him over it. But him and his older brother both slept with us for years....I pushed them out of bed around 4....and still fighting it with the littlest one today...

I don't think it warps kids...if nothing else, it give them a sense of security...a feeling of warmth and love...they only problem you encounter with it is when you decide they are too big to be there anymore and they aren't ready...lmao

Uggh, I take that back...it does squelch any romantic notions that might be conjured up...unless you don't mind room hopping? Then there isn't any excuse...

Okay, here's the sinister lurkings on this topic. I was not going to say anything; but what the hell....

Maybe your wife is depending on your son to meet her needs (in replacement of a spouse - YOU). If that is the case; that's not healthy. And it wouldn't be healthy for your son to be sleeping in bed with her every night. I'm not suggesting she would do anything inappropriate: simply that I have seen women who do this. They have a kid; and bam! they expect the kid to meet their every unfurfilled wish of what a perfect relationship would be like. Children have unconditional love to offer: how many adults can deliver that?!
These kids grow up clingy, afraid to take risks, and 'mamma sucks'.
If this was the case: you'd see it in her general parenting style.

Just a thought. I'm just throwing out ideas.

A109,

From your posts, it sounds as if she is completely oblivious to your feelings. Regardless of whether or not she wants to have sex with you, simply recognizing that you are unhappy and discussing it is a sign that she does care about you. From what I'm hearing, it doesn't sound like she gives a rats ass about how you feel...and that's not love.

I agree with your therapist that sleeping with the mother is unhealthy. I can see a lot of ways that would mess someone up. I have also heard about a family who did this, and their kid was pretty messed up. You abandon your child to her, don't let that happen to your child. Your child is more important than your wife.

Children are not stupid. They are curious and smart, and if you are having problems with your wife that you think you can keep secret from your child...you're wrong. They will know. They will sense your emotional states, they will listen to your conversations when you think they aren't...so don't think that by staying with this woman you will be producing a convincing facade of a loving family for your child.

I don't know too much about the relationships here, but if shes sleeping with him now, they are probably getting pretty close...and when you start arguing and getting into fights with her, your child might feel that you are the instigator, or your wife may even try to turn him against you...it happens.

You need to make it clear to her that this is a serious emotional issue for you...and it bothers you that she doesn't seem to care about your feelings, and that you're not even sure if she loves you anymore. If she really doesn't care about you to even speak about this subject, you really only have one option that's best for you and your son.

"You still haven't answered one thing...was she sexual before the marriage, and/or the child? "

She wasn't sexual before the marriage. I was the pursuer, she was the pursuee (? did I invent a word?). Our child was the result of IVF (in vitro fertilization). Sex was quite infrequent after being together about 6 months or less, if my memory is correct. And not complete. We married after a year of being together--I had the wrong idea that marriage might bring us together emotionally. And we are connected, in a way. Just not on a physical level, which is hard to ignore forever.

"you really only have one option that's best for you and your son"

What is that one option?

This morning I woke up with the thought--"We've got the complicated things fixed--it's the simplest things that aren't working."

Didn't you say, your wife was previously married?
There was no sex involved either?

Sleeping with a 3 year old boy in one bed is not very
healthy for his own development. He should not take
the place in order to fulfill the emotional needs of an adult.
The sooner he sleeps in his own bed the better.

I am hesitant to make suggestions to you, because I am not in your shoes and I am not the one who has invested so much. But from what I've read, I wonder if she loves you...I wonder if perhaps she does not really love you, does not want to have sex with you because she does not find you attractive, but doesn't consider this a problem because perhaps all she really cares about is raising a child that she considers her own, and views you as a means for supporting that possibility for her. This is a horrible thought, and perhaps I've got it all wrong...but this is what comes to my mind after hearing your situation.

Calamity--She was married previously for 17 years to a man a bit older than her. I don't know her sexual history--she's never been very open about the subject.
I think she loves me in a platonic way--not interested in me sexually, but would miss me if I hit the road.
I can be interested in a woman sexually without necessarily being in love--to me, love is a somewhat undefineable word. I've been in lust with women before, and confused that with love. I'm attached emotionally to my wife, but simultaneously frustrated, angry, aggravated, impatient and disappointed with her quite often.
I suspect that if I had the willingness to engage in an affair, and could keep it secret, she wouldn't care.

get the kid out of the bed!!!! Sorry to get so worked up with the exclamation points, but I know from my family's history that this can turn into a real can of worms. My parents did the "family bed" thing until I was fairly old, and I *hated!!!* it but felt too bad about hurting my mom's feelings to say so. I think it also really damaged their relationship and they ended up splitting after years of sleeping in seperate rooms (that habit continued even after i finally got to have my own room).

Thanks for your input, Cyphercat. Do you feel that you are still dealing with the issue now? I mean, did the "family bed" lead to issues that you're still working through? Or would you say that it's relatively minor in the scale of life's issues? I need to choose my battles.

Hello, A-109.

Does your wife have strong religious convictions? There are people who were raised to believe sex is intended only for procreation and is otherwise fornication. If she's carrying emotional baggage from her own upbringing and won't discuss it then you can only continue to do what you've been doing, talking to a counselor and eventually looking at your own happiness. At 50 you're too young to be thinking of giving up sex. The question becomes what's next and how do you make it happen.

At what age does a child become too old for sleeping in the same bed?

There's no one right answer to that, stuh505. There are varied 'expert' opinions regarding the family bed. Some believe it's a nurturing/natural environment and others believe it's disfunctional to the child and parents alike. As with most things, there are no absolutes and if one searches they can find expert reinforcement of whichever opinion they are looking for.

I'm not looking for "the answer," but what do you guys think?

She could be encouraging the child to sleep in the bed so that she has a buffer between you and her and knows you will not 'get romantic' with her while the child is there.

I don't like the idea of a child sleeping with the parents unless it is an occasional thing, but that is a very personal opinion. Just because it is not what I would do, does not make it wrong for other families. I just worry about the child being used in some way for the reason above, or your wifes strong emotions being showered onto the child in the absence of her sexual, or in any other way demonstrative, love for you. Is she is afraid to show you love (kissing, holding hands) for fear that you will want it to lead to sex?

I am of the opinion that no-one is entitled to sex within a marriage just because one party wants it. If she was not too sexual with you before you married, or after, then it is not surprising that she stopped having sex and does not want to continue or avoids talking about it with you. How much of her history do you know? Was she ever raped or sexually assaulted/abused in her past? She may never have recovered from such a thing. Either she needs help to overcome the fear or psychological problems related to this trauma, or she must finally be made to understand that she has to share this with you, in order for you to understand. Who is to say that you would not still want to be with her and love her if you understood the reasons behind her lack of interest in sex?

If her lack of desire is truly not a result of historical trauma then there are many other reasons she may not want sex:
she may simply have a very low sex-drive
she may not want YOU physically
she may have some health issues

The main fact is that you two are not communicating. Neither of you are happy. You will not find a solution unless you talk about this completely. I know you want to talk and she doesn't but you have to make her understand that you need to get this out in the open and discuss it. Why not open the conversation next time with "I've been thinking of going to a professional for sexual services and I want to clear it with you first". If you shock her she might actually open up with some dialogue.

I personally don't approve of it. Aside from an ocassional exception, children should not sleep in their parents bed. Especially when it is a boy and his mother while the husband sleeps in a different room.

Children are entitled to their own bed and their own privacy just the
same as parents do.

I agree with Calamity Jane.

I personally feel it is better for a child to sleep in their own room, in their own bed, at as early an age as possible.
There is no reason why a healthy baby should not be in their own crib.
Of course it's okay if they come once in a while after a nightmare, if they are sick, etc.

True; there are variations on what is acceptable.