Wife won't talk about or engage in sex

is she on any type of hormones? for menopause maybe? that could cause a decreased sex drive. i do believe they have drugs out today that help a woman's sex drive. you might want to look into that.

Your wife avoids sex--and talking about sex.

Essentially she's saying that your sexual life is your problem.

Your choices are: abstinence: porn: a series of affairs; a mistress; prostitutes or marital rape.

Ask her if she'd like to discuss these choices.

Noddy, you summed it up well. I'm engaged in abstinence and porn, although I'm developing my ability to fantasize. Today I heard a great joke on the radio from Al Franken, and I'm trying to adapt it to my situation. "She thinks sex with a married man is adultery, that's why she won't have any."

A-109--

Keep your sense of humor.

Have you tried explaining to her that her refusal to discuss the situation makes you feel unloved?

I've tried cajoling, arguing, not saying anything, pleading, reasoning, and accepting over the past years. She used to call me a pest and a sex maniac and other things. Now she just goes quiet and waits until I give up. I've tried less and less to communicate the issue, because it hasn't given results or even elicited a response.
Most people probably wouldn't have a clue that our situation is so bleak. We live in a nice house, our bills are paid, we have some pleasant friendships. But I'm seeing a counselor (alone--she thinks seeing a counselor is simply my way of trying to make her comply with what I want).

I am sorry to hear about this....
I am sorry to hear about this. I know that most people would say that sex isn't everything, but they would be wrong to say that unless they have been in the situation themselves. Sex is a very big part of a marriage and if you aren't getting it from your spouse then I feel that is when you can become frusterated and either seek it through porn, or masterbation, and sometimes from someone whom makes you feel like you want to feel.

I know that you love your wife and I applaud you, I really do. Have you tried talking with her about how you feel and what you need from her? What did she say? Have you tried to get her in the mood for foreplay or oral sex?

Other than this I really don't know what else to tell you because I know you don't want to hurt your wife and you don't want to force her to do anything that she doesn't want to do, but something has got to give because otherwise you will continue to seek pleasures in other ways.

A-109--

The counseling is a good idea--although you may come to the point where you have to make choices between two flawed alternatives.

Well, I honestly don't expect an easy solution to my situation, but it does help to express it and get feedback. Thanks. --"When I was single, I was incomplete. Now that I'm married, I'm finished."

.....well 'no sex in marriage'???
she wont even sit and talk with you about it, let alone give you a reasonable explanation as to why she doesnt have the urge anymore...you are kinda stuck behind a rock and a hard place arent you!

Have you tried plying her with liquor???? LOL
seriously though, without any fault of your own, you have been forced into deciding whats more important.... your wife or sex?
And at 50 you are still young...life as you knew it, should not be ending quite so early yet.

....you can have both, just dont get caught! :wink:

I don't know , 50 years is young for some people, and old for others. . How was the sex before marrige or the kid? deep down i think you knew she was not a sexual person. She ain't gonna change that much is she.

besides if she doesn't want to talk about it then that would piss me off. I'd probably tell in a fit of fustration to let me find it elsewhere. Cause honestly if she don';t even want to talk about it's over. SEx only relationships are free game.

What excuse does she give for not wanting a sexual relationship with you?

Well, thanks for the suble hint at fooling around outside marriage. When I was younger, I might have done so without a second thought, and thought I was cool doing it. Now I'd feel somewhat like a failure and a quitter. But I do enjoy the fantasy. And someday someone may enter my life, even though I have this marriage and child baggage. I hope my wife comes to her senses first.

A-109, if your wife was a sexual being prior to the marriage and in the beginning, something may have happened to her physically. Is she possibly going through menopause? Sometimes some pretty hooky things happen to women when they do; I've observed some of my friends and a couple pretty near lost it emotionally. One was even seeing little people around her house, dear heavens, what her poor hubby went through!!

I'm 65 and I know that 50 is still very young and she should still be active sexually but if she will not go to counseling it sounds as if she knows that she is at fault here and doesn't want to hear it. If she indeed was loving and sexual in the beginning, then I would tend to think that she has something emotional/physical going on that hasn't been addressed.

Best of luck as it sounds as if you are going to need it!!!

I don't think sex should be an important variable in any relationship. I think it distorts the mind and see it denatures the value of many relationships--marriages included.

Possibly this precocious notion isn't anything more than a temporary idealism, since I haven't been married. Logically though, a least in my own mental capacity, that if you were to break a marriage over it, it would be foolish. Isn't there so many other components of a marriage that you can pleasure upon? Why does sex have to be such a important variable? It is a matter of choice right? Why not choose to make it the least important?

Because it does Borealis - sex is a very important factor
to marriage. Without a good sexlife, one of the two people
involved in a marriage will be frustrated, hurt, unsatisfied and miserable.

Sex is mostly the glue that holds two people together.

Sounds shallow but is true.

Obviously there are variable points-of-view on the importance of sex in a relationship. I have, at times, thought things couldn't work without a healthy sex life. And, other times, thought it was only my perception that mattered, and that I could be happy without sex.
There have been times in my life, such as up to age 18, that I didn't experience sex. But this 10-year period of my life, especially the last 5 years or so, has been the leanest since those virgin years prior to age 18.
I do think my wife may feel a bit responsible for the bleak situation, but that she feels there's nothing she can do to change things. It may be a medical or psychological problem, but she won't discuss it.
I'm not going to put my desire for sex ahead of my son's need for an intact family at this time. But someday I may step out on my own and become a bachelor again, as I was for my first 40 years. Generally, when I was single, I wasn't leading a wild life (except for a few years in my early 20's). But I did connect with the opposite sex occasionally, and it was pretty sweet at times.

(just one of them?)


people cannot be 'glued', must become as one.


momentary 'affection' that often gets thrown to the wind-- sometimes a good thing, sometimes a big loss, who knows?

A-109, I commend you for your patience- and for seeking a way to salvage a relationship and parenthood, without just dismissing it out of hand- to satisfy your own fantasies.

I, personally believe, that sex without LOVE is not worth having.
Not to ME, anyway.
Your post indicates that you and your wife loved each other enough to want to parent a child. Both of you were, and still are, committed to the child.
Are you sure that you were not mostly 'in love' with being a father, and
thrilled with her willingness to be the 'mother', as a substitute for a REAL relationship between a man and woman?
If some one says "I LOVE YOU" to me, and they convince me they are attuned to my needs and choices, then I would consider marriage.

But is it possible you decided upon this marriage and parenthood, because you BELIEVED it would culminate in the relationship you understood to be 'marriage'?

But this is another subject- One I long to address, so I think I will.

A-1, I immedietly wondered if there might be something else going on with your wife or your relationship. Years is a long time. Is this strictly about sex or something else?
It really could be hormonal or another medical cause. It could be that something else is occupying her mind to the point that she doesn't even want to think about sex. Is she depressed, or has she changed at all since your son came into the picture? Or is it that she just is not interested in sex at this point in her life?

I wish you all the luck in the world in finding a way to make this work for both of you. It really is a difficult situation - hopefully you'll come across someone who has dealt with this same thing.

"I've tried cajoling, arguing, not saying anything, pleading, reasoning, and accepting over the past years. She used to call me a pest and a sex maniac and other things. Now she just goes quiet and waits until I give up. I've tried less and less to communicate the issue, because it hasn't given results or even elicited a response.
Most people probably wouldn't have a clue that our situation is so bleak. We live in a nice house, our bills are paid, we have some pleasant friendships. But I'm seeing a counselor (alone--she thinks seeing a counselor is simply my way of trying to make her comply with what I want)."

Wow my condolences A-109. I understand that you have a child with her and it is in the best interest of the child to be raised in a two parent home, but you can't let a loveless marriage subjugate your happiness for the reason of providing your child with an ideal home environment.

My initial analysis is that your marriage has MUCH deeper issues than sex. If your wife is so callous as to brush off your advances as being "sexually manical" and refuses to discuss the issue, your relationship is in dire straights. Your relationship does have abuse, as your wife is being emotionally abusive by avoiding discussion of such an important issue. I can understand a lack of sexual drive, but I can't understand the inability to discuss it. That appears more troubling.

The only way I see you being in the wrong(based on your side of the story ) is if you've let yourself go and are some hideous representation of the man she married. If that is the case, then she is probably too afraid to bring it up and hurt your feelings by informing you that she is no longer sexually attracted to you.

If that is not the case..... you have a few options:
A) Stay in the relationship, but have an affair or get jiggy with some prostitutes. If sex is so meaningless to her and she is so apathetic towards it, I'm sure she won't mind you engaging in sex with a prostitute or two

B) End the relationship and find a women that can satisfy you psychologically, emotionally, AND sexually.

You sound like too nice of an individual to be stuck in a relationship with a selfish/emotionless women as you describe.