Tue 7 Jan, 2020 04:50 pm
I posted before. Long post but I just can't take what the hell is going on around my life. I CAN'T FIND A SOLUTION. I'd change things but I'm kind of stuck for now. But it isn't just Stacy. It is everything. My old school trying to wreck my life. My neighbor doing the same. Old friends and their antics. Especially antics in regards to Stacy and I. I mean, I swear they're just constantly antagonizing my relationship with her. It makes me feel screwed up psychologically and I just want to get away from it all. I'm trapped from being able to travel even in the most simplest of places. I'm too sick to work. Now I'm not saying everything is everyone's fault but mine. However, the things I have been trying to fix; people have been plotting to ruin.
I feel alone in all of this in terms of the actual person's support I need. I don't know how to get Stacy and I communicating properly anymore. Feels like our bond got sabotaged and she turned against me. My life itself is definitely being sabotaged. I mean to be honest, I really only want to be around Stacy. For me she comes before any friend or old friend. I just don't know if I even matter to her anymore. It is starting to feel like I don't. I mean, you know with all this stuff I'm going through, I was hoping Stacy would be there for me. I know I flipped out with the whole dumping thing but I mean I go through a lot of stuff mentally where all I have is myself to count on. Then I end up having to bottle things up and they come our wrong. I mean 2019, I was so on edge mentally that I would work out late nights. Then all these screwed up thoughts from people's past behavior towards me, would creep up to the surface until I'd have a random outburst. Then just get it out my system. I did this in a whole entire other area in privacy. However, somehow my neighbors found out and they use it to taunt me. In fact it's screwed up, I have so much unresolved trauma. And everyone around me finds it funny to use it against me and troll or antagonize me with it. That means I'm stuck in a repetitive cycle of screwed up people. Then people stole all my property with so much personal secrets and they use that to taunt me with. I made a private space to just get my thoughts out somewhere, my neighbor started spying on that (I didn't know) and screwing my life with that. Some people are just truly crappy. I don't get his problem. He was on this whole, yeah I got the woman's number that lives in the apartment underneath you with the glasses. I'm more popping in your building that you. And it's like I really don't care, I love Stacy. So another woman doesn't matter to me. Still it feels like my life started to just really screw up with that accidental run in with the mother of my neighbors kids. He and whoever are going along with him really want to make a mess of my life because over an ego thing. But now, with my neighbor it's like that whole friend group is like that. That's all they do, "you think I can't take this girl from you, that girl you from you? That's what they do to each other." Then it's like a lightbulb doesn't click for anybody as to why I don't want Stacy around them. That same mentality. Some friends don't respect that and see things as competition.
Apparently these people see things as a competition for the woman I LOVE. IT IS NOT A COMPETITION. I'm seeing the only person I'd ever start a family with in Stacy and these people think there is some competition going on. No, if they want to compete don't compete over my wife. Compete with each other over how they treat their girlfriends. My neighbor is trying to convince people he slept with her and to tell me that because he's in a competition? The next one is on social media writing her talking about hey gorgeous don't be a stranger. Because they heard something about me telling her she's gorgeous. So now people see it as compete and do the same thing. Asking her about her sex life. People see me talking about how Stacy and I had plans to meet on her birthday in Queens. Therefore they now they want to show up to the same venue in Queens to say we were at the same party too. Then it's "yeah man I wanna **** Stacy so bad (although I don't know if he knew that me and Stacy were close during that time. He may have. Because he said something like, I don't even say Hi to here anymore. Which had to with some message between Stacy and I). Then there's the other brother asking him to talk me out of being into Stacy and thinking I didn't overhear him. Having people asking me if I'm scared to bring her around because that guy's older brother is going to steal her from me. Then there's her slightly younger cousin trying to bully me out of being with her. She just doesn't see what I have to deal with sometimes. If they're not doing that, they're looking around to date girls that look like Stacy in order to screw with my mind. And I'm just not into their antics. I tried to schedule with Stacy us going to marriage court and they somehow find out when I do. It is just an annoyance. I said to myself, if somehow things fall apart between Stacy and I; the future women will be people who don't have any possible connection with those people, maybe older than their age range, not friends with anyone in a circles they have friends. All of that, just women cut the hell off from all of them. As it stands I'm not hoping or thinking a life with Stacy is going to fail. I'm not even considering the idea of different women. Because it means forgetting about Stacy. And leaving her behind is too heartbreaking for me. Stacy is too dear to my heart. I'd literally be letting go of someone who feels like not just a big part of my life but a big part of me. I can't see myself running into her with an entirely different woman as my woman. It wouldn't feel right. Other women are supposed to run into me with her as my wife.
Anyway when it comes to Stacy, I don't know how to express anything that may be frustrating me without it seeming like I'm asking for a goodbye or being critical or calling her a screwup (when I'm not). I MEAN I LIVE SOMEWHERE (of course I'd rather be living with Stacy), it takes nothing for her to just come to my home to see me. She used to stay in my building for a bit. Ironically enough, somehow we managed to have never met in that time. I mean later on we did & I'm thankful that I met her. I'd probably have no direction otherwise, just chasing random women. Still it feels like she's gone off to the rebelling against me side. By rebelling, I don't mean me seeing her as my property. Because in a relationship or marriage someone who says rebelling usually has their perspective on a woman's role in his life in a relationship or marriage screwed up. I'm only saying it in terms of, it feels like she hates me more than loves me (doesn't have to be true). Also, a good number of people in relation to my life are trying to ban together and MAKE ME FEEL WRONG ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING IMAGINABLE. I'M SURPRISED THEY HAVEN'T YET ALL TOLD ME MY EXISTENCE IN THIS WORLD ITSELF IS WRONG. They're also hijacking my communications with her. That's why she doesn't speak to me like a normal couple, the invasion of privacy. I'd report them if I wasn't such a nice person that didn't want people to end up in jail. They get every communication I send her and try to taunt me over it.
So now back to Stacy, I live somewhere. And she can freely visit me. Maybe it isn't that she hates me and it is just that because she use to stay here; my building or area itself brings back bad memories or feels like she's moving backwards in life. I don't know but it wouldn't be moving backwards. She should see it as a sign of growth. Where she used to stay in my building when things were just starting off for her, now she's staying here because she has a man who lives in E5 that loves her so much and is in love with her. Plus I care about her so I'd want to turn her bad memories into good. I want to actually feel like Stacy is my wife and that we're a couple not feel like it is all in my head. Someone told me that if they ever met my wife, they'd tell her to run the other way. I mean I'm not a terrible man. In fact I would say, I'm a completely misunderstood guy. It has felt that way all my life.
With Stacy, I was finally feeling like there's someone who could really understand me, be there for me romantically, sexually, emotionally, mentally, etc. There's definitely an emptiness that only Stacy can fill for me. And it isn't something that's filled by working on myself. And it isn't something other women can fill. I was able to determine it is really only something Stacy can do for me. She may be busy playing games, I don't know. Some of what's bothering me is my health getting in the way of our progress too, plus people trying to bully me out the relationship so that I implode and they can use what I say to manipulate Stacy into acting out against me (like they did with the wrong for how she's treating me thing, which was a result of the stress ppl were causing). It isn't all my fault, some people done screwed my mental health up and my grasp on my relationship up so badly that I've missed dates because of second guessing. Created by ppl trying to bully me out the relationship (especially psychologically, gas-lighting). I'm still down for Stacy though. I mean I'm always home, so she should take advantage of the time she has to spend with me. I don't work due to my mental health. Just because I go somewhere every once in a blue doesn't mean I'm magically healed. Someone going outside with a cold doesn't mean the cold is gone for example. For example, I had to skip two interviews as a result of all the mental strain all these people taking focus on my life have caused me because they want to be aholes. It doesn't make me weak to be going through mental health stuff, it does mean a lot of people have caused my mental health to erode. They rather blame it on alcohol. As if somehow alcohol went into my system & magically caused two organizations to currently screw me out of nearly $10,000 & possibly $16,000 (I guess it made them feel cool to do this too). No it was people's actions towards me. For people who want me to be accountable, they sure have none. I'm supposed to be 100% accountable and then add on their 100% too. My stuff is so screwed up that I don't really know what's going on around me because people are doing so much odd stuff and trying to throw my mind for loops and things. Spying & trolling me over a page I made to better manage my mental health so I'd be less stressed. Hence the name peace of mind. Now I went a bit off topic. Stacy be completely misunderstanding me and still upset over that happened nearly 8 months ago that all these people are trying to capitalize off of to make my life a mess.
I actually can't vent or live in peace. You'd be surprised how often being surrounded by people who find it funny for you to be in bad situations or agitated can land you in those situations often. Especially being forced to be around it for 10-15 years. Not because I'm a crappy person either. I've been trying to explain it to Stacy but I guess they ran to her and manipulated her into thinking I was a liar. They're busy over here relentlessly taunting my life. My entire relationship with this woman is being stalked by these people.
I tried to make rush plans to go out for her birthday, to the same event we had planned last year. Some group of people are taunting me talking about how that was last year. And it's really childish. I only couldn't really find any plans because my phone was stolen.
As I said before, Stacy should take advantage of the free time I have to spend now. Instead of waiting until I get a new job and then deciding to spend time with me when I'll have less time. People screwing with my life already threw me nearly a year off schedule of my recovery process. According to my original schedule, I should be working or at least in the mental health condition to work by now. I paced and planned things that way based on how I felt myself FINALLY overcoming what I've been going through psychologically the last many years. But of course certain people had to be aholes and screw all of that up. Now I'm in a place where my mental health is such a wreck that I'm feeling pinches in my brain from all the stressed caused by people. Pinches as if some literally had their finger inside my head and squeezed a piece of my brain. My new school is trying to punish me for going through this too. I was even researching into electroconvulsive therapy for my mental health but people stole my phone with the notes for that, so it is right back to square one. Surrounded by people who wanted to destroy my relationship with this woman but acting like they're there for me. Stacy was literally a big reason my mental health was starting to get better. And with her, my life was starting to come together. It has always been like that for me. My life has always felt better around her for some reason. On top of that, from the beginning I saw her as someone different and uninfluenced by a certain crowd of people's kind of emasculating perception of me. It is unfortunate that people find it necessary to sabotage things in my life in hopes that it would throw off my relationship with someone. And the other thing, I'm NOT EVEN cheating on her. Like I've literally been staying away from people because I realized people were hoping I could get into situations they could spin to make her think I was cheating. I literally even had to ignore my brother's girlfriend sending me birthday wishes last year just so that people wouldn't get the idea to try to convince Stacy I have something going on with her. What these people have been doing is horrible.
And for the record, no I wasn't an ahole to women; so this isn't my karma. It's just easier for people to paint it that way. If someone wanted to bully someone but knew it would make them look bad in the public eye, they'd make up some rationalization in hopes the public will buy it and even join in. Like my neighbor did.
So now, I even made a separate facebook page and only communicated with Stacy through it. So she knew it was me. Away from all the drama for some privacy. She blocked me a few times but I picked up that it was in moments that I said things that may have hurt her or she didn't want to hear about. So I was still to this day, busy trying to learn her so that I could treat her better.
It is just that, like everything else in my life people were monitoring me and hijacking stuff around me. For example my neighbor. He's a guy where he'll flirt with whomever he wants when he pleases around me. If i'm around him and trying to speak to a woman, he intervenes, it could be a polite hello. He jumps in the conversation, "don't pay him any mind, he's just drunk." As I said above he just tries to sabotage any bond I have with a female. It's just toxic at point. Then now he's doing a 180, sees things progressing between Stacy and I; then he tries to pin females on me to look like a cheater. If he can't stop me from starting the relationship, he'll ruin it and make it seem like all my fault.
Stuff like that is why it is extremely important for me and Stacy to stay connected. There is a lot of divide and conquer stuff going on. People in my ear and I don't know who is in her ear. I had to literally stay away from people because they would try to make a spectacle of me in hopes that she'd see what they're doing to me and think less of the idea of being with me. It is a horrible place to be. In counseling, I was told that I was giving Stacy too much power over me. The counselor is wrong (and maybe it is only what I explained), the people who have too much power are the people around us.
They're literally trying to push me out the picture of my own relationship.
I just don't know how to express all of this to her in a way where she's sees things my way. It isn't about me having my way either. It is not about doing things my way or it is over. It is just that Stacy & I are supposed to be a team. Like a proper couple. And no interference.
I know if it were a situation where Stacy had all this free time and was unwell, that I'd spend as much time with her as I can. You just don't know how life will be years from now. Or if schedules will conflict where Stacy and I won't have that time. Or even something chaotic happens. And I know it isn't all her because like I said before if I was where I said I'd be in certain situations things would be much better. But I mean the direct path would be the best way to go about things.
AS MUCH AS I'M GOING THROUGH HELL AND IT WAS PROBABLY MEANT TO LEAK OVER INTO MY RELATIONSHIP AND BE A DEATH SENTENCE ON OUR RELATIONSHIP, THIS MAY ACTUALLY BE THE MOST PERFECT TIME STACY HAS TO SPEND WITH ME. Plus her being there for me now, would basically show that she's not a gold digger or was using me or some crap. And she'll have a man who'd cherish her loyalty and she'd reap the positives (not diseases) of it later. Stacy is absolutely the best and right woman for me.
Also, I was told I should move. I'm not in position to move out this neighborhood. I'd love moving in with Stacy. She'd have to bare with my health holding me back temporarily until I could get back into the flow of things and then living with me should be blissful.
And I owe her a Birthday out, maybe since I don't really celebrate my birthday; I'll treat her on mine instead. It is only 18 days apart.
So how do I get to expressing all of this to Stacy?
Have you built some kind of program to auto-generate this stuff?
Not bad man.