6
   

She needs time to think after the first time sex?

 
 
baggah
 
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 10:52 am
I had a second date with a girl I met recently. We had a very nice time together at my home. We just talked for the whole night and we kissed for hours. Afterwords we had sex, but the sex was not very good, because I was a bit nervous. In the morning I made breakfast for and we still had good time together. When she was gone she was a bit short in her text answers on whatsapp. I brought of the topic of the sex that maybe it was something and that I normally do a better job then I did. We weren’t wasted or something not at all. She said she was thinking that too about the sex and it was ok that I was a bit nervous. But also that she needs time to think about things that are happening now. Then she said that I treated her very well and that this never happened before.

Now I am a bit in doubt. When and if I should text her again.
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 11:15 am
@baggah,
This sucks. Relationships are difficult sometimes.

If this happened to me, I would wait a bit to give her a little time for whatever she needs, I am thinking a week. During this time I would figure out exactly what I want from the relationship.

Then I would ask her if we could meet for a coffee or drink (I think she owes you at least this). Then I would be direct... as in "I really like you and would like to see if this relationship can work". If she didn't want to meet in person, I would still tell her directly what I want... but in that case I would figure it was a lost cause anyway.

Then I would listen to what she has to say. You don't know what is going on, other things might be going on in her life right now.

If she didn't want a relationship. I would say goodbye. I would then go drink a Scotch, nurse my wounds and move on.

I don't think the sex is part of it. I wouldn't even mention it. She is questioning whether she wants to be in a relationship.


chai2
 
  3  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 11:42 am
From the point of view from this woman, I would just wait until she contacted me, and if she doesn't, she doesn't.

It's not a complicated code to figure out that when she says she "has to think about sex" that she wasn't happy with it.
She didn't want to hurt your feelings about this delicate issue, so she followed up with "it's ok that you were nervous" I'm sure she really does understand being nervous, as I'm sure she has been there herself.

However, nerves aside, she may apparantly have sensed a deeper "this isn't going to work, even if he's not nervous" and has chosen to cut her losses and move on. I mean, it was only the 2nd date. Perhaps she wasn't having as nice a time as you were through the entire evening. Perhaps she decided after 2 dates and sex, she's not into you. It might not be the sex at all, or only part of it.

Or maybe you'll get a text from her in the next 5 minutes.

Regardless, the ball is in her court. She knows how to reach you.
0 Replies
 
Sturgis
 
  3  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 05:57 pm
@maxdancona,
Quote:
I think she owes you...this.


I disagree. She owes nobody else any explanation.
chai2
 
  4  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 06:15 pm
@Sturgis,
Yep.

I don't know where the line would be, but 2 dates doesn't entitle anyone to meeting for coffee, or even a phone conversation or text to talk it over.

I think she was nice enough to just say it wasn't his fault he was nervous.

Why would the guy want to put her into a further awkward situation? If someone did that to me, my sense would be they were setting the stage for future demands that I was "obligated" to fulfill.

Fortunately/unfortunately, depending of which side of the interaction you're on, too many people fall for this trap. They end up internally eye rolling and thinking "Jesus, now I really don't want anything to do with them", all for the sake of being nice.

Me? I'm more apt if they get to that point to say "Jesus, now I really don't want anything to do with you". If the other person has the chutzpah to try to pressure me into feeling I owe them something, I have an equal amount to tell them I don't.

I'm not into drama. Or feeling I owe you to tell you after 2 dates "why" Life's too short.
maxdancona
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 06:28 pm
@Sturgis,
Sturgis wrote:

Quote:
I think she owes you...this.


I disagree. She owes nobody else any explanation.


Would you feel the same way if the genders were reversed? If after having sex with a woman, I would treat her with respect if I then decided not to continue.

I feel like being considerate of a woman's feelings (or in this case a man's) is the decent thing to do.

I suspect this is another example where gemder matters. I doubt you would tell a woman that she is owed nothing.
Sturgis
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 06:32 pm
@chai2,
Same here. 2 dates is basic getting to know each other.

If I got a call pushing for another meet-up, it would end then and there.


True story, not date related... A few years ago (2002) my therapist of 4 years had to leave. He referred my name to another man. The man, who I call Dr.Cliffy, called and scheduled an appointment. He left it on The answering machine (again, it was 2002). The day of the appointment arrived (I had never responded to his message). Something told me not to go. It may have been that with his introductory message he rambled for 2 minutes, hung up, then called again for another minute! That told me the man was not someone I would deal with or could deal with. He seemed bonkers! Certifiable!

Half an hour before the time, he calls and leaves a message that he has "just checked the waiting room" and didn't see me there. (We had never met, so he would have been calling out my name)

An hour later, he calls and leaves another message. Says he thinks I may have been mixed up about the day and time of the appointment, and to call to set up for the following week. I never did. Fortunately, Dr.Cliffy never called again!
Sturgis
 
  2  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 06:37 pm
@maxdancona,
She sent a text. She said she needed time to think. It could be an hour or a day or fifty years. He's going to have to wait. Otherwise it becomes the first step towards being a stalker.

I don't care if it's a man waiting for a womam, a woman waiting for a man, a woman waiting for another woman, a man waiting for another man, or a non-binary waiting for another person. The person asked for time to think. That can be a gentle way of terminating.

glitterbag
 
  3  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 06:45 pm
@Sturgis,
Every so often you meet someone who is expecting a little too much. They may be very nice people, maybe just a little lonely and trying to move faster than do. I think men and women get uncomfortable if the new date gets clingy too fast. Clingy isn't fun and needy is a little scary. Sex doesn't always equal intimacy, and you can't rush intimacy.
Sturgis
 
  2  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 06:47 pm
@glitterbag,
But he used glow in the dark rainbow 🌈 condoms!
maxdancona
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 06:58 pm
@Sturgis,
As long as the gender doesn't matter... I don't agree with you, but at least you are consistent.

I don't think sending a text after a few weeks is anywhere close to stalking. If I had decided I wasn't sure about a relationship after having sex with a woman, and she sent me a text a few weeks later, I would at least be considerate of her feelings.

Wouldn't you?
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 07:22 pm
@maxdancona,
After 2 dates, nobody owes anybody anything.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 07:27 pm
@Sturgis,
Sturgis wrote:

But he used glow in the dark rainbow 🌈 condoms!


That's different.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 08:52 pm
@Lash,
Lash wrote:

After 2 dates, nobody owes anybody anything.


Ok. When I said "she owes you", it was a poor choice of words. You are right that no one owes anything. I retract that statement. However...

If I have sex with a woman after a second date and then call it off, I would be mindful of her feelings. If she wanted to talk one last time, I would feel like that was the right thing to do.

My point is about decency, not about obligation. If a woman with whom I have had sex wants to talk, it seems like the decent thing for me to is to listen and to try to respect her feelings.
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 09:00 pm
@maxdancona,
I don’t mind that you think that, but anyone here asking about what’s appropriate should hear honest opinions from a balance of people—and I wanted this guy to understand that while he might like another go at the situation—it seems abundantly clear to me that the ball is in her court, and thus far, it appears that she’s decided not to pursue.

I think his ego has taken enough abuse from this situation, he should file it away, and meet someone new. And try to relax a little and feel confident in the sack next time.

I feel sorry for dudes these days. Sex has got to be a ******* mine field.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 10:14 pm
@Sturgis,
Sturgis wrote:



True story, not date related... A few years ago (2002) my therapist of 4 years had to leave. He referred my name to another man. The man, who I call Dr.Cliffy, called and scheduled an appointment. He left it on The answering machine (again, it was 2002). The day of the appointment arrived (I had never responded to his message). Something told me not to go. It may have been that with his introductory message he rambled for 2 minutes, hung up, then called again for another minute! That told me the man was not someone I would deal with or could deal with. He seemed bonkers! Certifiable!

Half an hour before the time, he calls and leaves a message that he has "just checked the waiting room" and didn't see me there. (We had never met, so he would have been calling out my name)

An hour later, he calls and leaves another message. Says he thinks I may have been mixed up about the day and time of the appointment, and to call to set up for the following week. I never did. Fortunately, Dr.Cliffy never called again!


Yikes. Some people just don't know when to give up!

My story, not related except that it involved a potential therapist, was actually humorous in the end.

I got a list of therapists to call, and was more or less going down the line, leaving messages. Except one number, a woman answered the phone with just "hello". The therapist for that number was a man. So I asked if this was Dr. X's office, as I'm aware some people must work out of their home. I guess I thought maybe it was his assistant, or wife.

Oh. Wait a minute, I left something out. His answering machine had picked up just a second before the woman did. Important for later.

She said yes it was, so I said I was looking to make an appointment. She asked me what it was about, which I thought a little odd. But, I was in a bad way and wanted to see someone. So I gave her a general short answer. She started asking me more questions, increasingly probing, and I'm realizing definately not how the conversation should be going.

I enventually said I really wasn't comfortable telling her any more, and did he have open times. She then told me how he was a very busy man, and that he didn't have time to see anyone. Also something about she didn't think he'd be able to help me.

I was like "uhhhh....ok." and just moved on.

Later that day I got a call, and it was Dr. X.

He apologized profusely, saying that was his elderly mother, who was in early stage dementia. He explained she lived with him now so he could care for her. In addition, his office was in his home. He had gone out for awhile, and had left his answering machine on. But since he wasn't used to having to lock his office door, he forgot. She heard the phone and decided to check things out. The entire conversation had been recorded. I could just imagine him listening to it with his head in his hands. I thought it was nice of him to say that he was grateful I hadn't gotten angry with her. "She's just very protective of me." This guy had to be in his 40's or 50's.
He told me his schedule was full at the time anyway, but wished me luck.
glitterbag
 
  4  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 10:47 pm
@chai2,
Another story not related to OP's question:

In the mid-90's we brought my husbands 81 year old mother from North Carolina to live with us, she was having health problems, making mistakes with her meds and not really eating very well. I had a doctors appt around 4 in the afternoon, but when I came out my tire was flat....my cell must have been dead because I had to find a public phone (remember them). It was getting dark, I called home to see if my husband was home from work........his mother answered...she was confused..she asked me if I was downstairs...I said no, I have a flat tire and is mr.G'bag or young G'bag home I'm in a phone booth and I'm running out of quarters so please don't put the phone down because I don't have enough to call back . She brightened right up and said "I've got some quarters" she was happy because she thought solved the problem. Young G'bag walked in about that time so he came out to pick me up. I was sweating bullets for a couple minutes.
0 Replies
 
baggah
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Sep, 2019 12:16 am
I guess I will do nothing, but on the other hand she said after she needed time: "you treated me very well, it's never happened before."

Why she should say that? Just to be kind? I should not say that when I did not want to someone anymore.
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Thu 12 Sep, 2019 12:34 am
@baggah,
You really need to try to relax, if you get all keyed up you will sound awkward if she calls or texts. She still might call, and as far as what she said to you, perhaps she felt awkward and wasn't able to express herself very well. Take a breather, and really try to relax.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  0  
Reply Thu 12 Sep, 2019 02:58 am
@maxdancona,
maxdancona wrote:

Would you feel the same way if the genders were reversed?


I think most of us would, but not you, you're the one who has problems with women behaving in a certain way.

This is one of your go to phrases that you use when accusing others of your own hypocrisy.

The problem you've got is that your MO is too well known, and most people can see straight through you.
 

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