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Boyfriends living standard is filthy!

 
 
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 12:04 pm
Hi! New to this! About to move with the bf of 1 yr. Relationship is great and he's amazing! Except one thing. His standard of living is complete opposite! I'm a very clean person. Have to have a clean home. He is extremely messy and dirty! His parents are the same. Basically hoarders. I don't mind picking up after him, keeping house in order. It's what I do. And I know most men are messy. Lol But he'll come home, throwing everything down, and sit on the furniture in his filthy work clothes for half the night. They smell so bad I can't stand it. Tried telling him I can't take the smell. Example: he wanted to go with me to run errands to spend time with me. Told him he had to change before he got in my car. He got upset and stayed home. Came back and he was still on the couch in the same filth. I don't want to end a relationship because of this little issue. But afraid this is the standard of living I'm gonna have to put up with. Not sure what else to do. Am I overreacting?
 
hightor
 
  3  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 12:14 pm
@Ewykes01,
Quote:
I don't want to end a relationship because of this little issue.

It's not a "little issue".
Quote:
Not sure what else to do.

Find someone else.

You might be able to find help with a counselor or mediator but from what you've said, the guy hasn't cleaned up his act or shown any interest in changing his behavior in a year. I don't think you really want to be dealing with this for the rest of your time together; you probably don't want to be a nag and you definitely don't wish to live in a pig sty. Find someone else...it's just common sense.
edgarblythe
 
  2  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 12:21 pm
Explain that you can't live that way. Tell him it's over if he won't change his habits. My opinion.
0 Replies
 
Ewykes01
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 01:13 pm
@hightor,
I never really said anything about it until recently because it is his home. But now that I'm moving in, I had to say something.
hightor
 
  2  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 02:46 pm
@Ewykes01,
Well you want to avoid getting into a situation where you find yourself having to clean up after him all the time. And you'll want an escape space of your own that you can keep clean. Living in dirt and disorder, if not outright filth, can take a toll on a relationship and on your own psyche. Good luck, I hope things work out for you both.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 03:17 pm
@Ewykes01,
You're not overreacting. Try to imagine how you are going to feel about the issue five or ten years down the road.
Ewykes01
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 03:22 pm
@roger,
I wouldn't be able to handle it! I guess I'll have to explain to him in more detail.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 03:35 pm
@Ewykes01,
Could be worse. You could be this gal. https://able2know.org/topic/529484-1#post-6891148

So here's the deal.

You will clean up after him forever. He's not about to change.

Or, you could stop cleaning up and wallow in the same filth with him. If you haven't already seen rats, mice, and/or roaches, then you will then.

Plus there's the fun of breathing mold-infested air, which a lot of people are sensitive to.

So them's your choices. You either resign yourself to being his maid, or you embrace the filth and the rat bites (oh yeah, rats bite. Ever heard of Hanta virus?).

I suppose a third option would be to hire a cleaning service. If you go that route, then be prepared to pay whatever the hell it costs, on a regular basis. And since your BF doesn't see anything wrong with how he's living, don't expect him to defray any of this non-tax-deductible cost.

If you go Option #3, then you're automatically setting fire to a few thousand dollars, every single year, in perpetuity. Consider that a part of your rent, so if you're moving in with him to save $$, think again.

Personally, I am not exactly a neat person, but I am also absolutely not on the filth side of the equation, either. This setup would drive me nuts and, like I said, it's not like I feel the need to do a white glove inspection or anything. But I'm kinda funny about not giving aid and comfort to pests.

So decide which of these options appeals the most to you (or you hate the least). Or do the easier, helluva lot more sensible thing, and tell him you're not moving in with him, period, end of story. Be mentally and emotionally prepared for that ending it, for it might.

And another thing.

Issues with hygiene are often a sign of mental illness. See (among many other sources; this one's a quick read): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-neglect

Hoarding is also a sign of mental illness. See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoarding#Human_hoarding

If I were you, I would run, not walk, away from this trainwreck.
Ewykes01
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 04:44 pm
@jespah,
It's not his personal hygiene. He showers, brushes teeth, cuts nails and hair, uses lotion. Washes his bedding, own clothes. And doesn't leave food or actual trash laying around. Just a ton of papers, cans, tools, fishing stuff. Clutter. And the worst is basically coming in to lay on the couch in his filth and smell from working. Until he goes to shower.
cherrie
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 06:07 pm
@Ewykes01,
What sort of work does he do that he ends up so filthy and stinky?

Just wondering.
Ewykes01
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 06:12 pm
@cherrie,
Tree excavation is his actual job then mechanic on the side.
Ewykes01
 
  2  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 06:21 pm
@Ewykes01,
I know men have their lazy sides and are messy at times. And I know he works his butt off 10hrs/day and is exhausted. But I've been with others who are out in construction etc all day, but at least changed out of their work clothes before going on the furniture. And didn't just toss everything including dirty tools all over. They were at least somewhat respectful of the home
0 Replies
 
cherrie
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 06:22 pm
@Ewykes01,
I just saw your other thread.

This is probably all part of the the same problem and I would be telling him to get his medication sorted out before I even thought about moving in with him.

Nothing is going to change otherwise. Do you really want to live like this?
Ewykes01
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Sep, 2019 06:35 pm
@cherrie,
Thanks! I did another one because I thought it would be too long putting them together. I honestly think the messy part has to do with how he grew up. His parents home is really bad. Not trash or anything. Just aton of hoarding clutter, pet hair, dust, ect
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 07:34 am
@Ewykes01,
Ewykes01 wrote:

Hi! New to this! About to move with the bf of 1 yr. Relationship is great and he's amazing! Except one thing. His standard of living is complete opposite! I'm a very clean person. Have to have a clean home. He is extremely messy and dirty!.
...
Example: he wanted to go with me to run errands to spend time with me. Told him he had to change before he got in my car. He got upset and stayed home.
...
Am I overreacting?

You’re not overacting. Your preference is having your house in order, neat surroundings/clutter free and no off-smells. That won’t and shouldn’t change.

It’s troubling that had such an immature reaction to your putting your foot down about your insisting that he change before you went out. You’re not a therapist and shouldn’t volunteer or be put in a position to be one.

Most likely he is not likely to change much. The bottom line is NOT advisable to move in. Make another living arrangement if you need to move or just stay put.
Keep the relationship intact but don’t move in with him.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Wed 11 Sep, 2019 09:19 am
@Ewykes01,
I think this relationship is over. This guy can find a partner who is better suited for him, and so can you.

If a relationship isn't working, then end it. The exercise of finding fault in your partner isn't productive; it doesn't help him and it doesn't help you.

It is more productive for you to figure out what you can learn from this failed relationship. He will move on and not be part of your life... but hopefully he will learn something too. Take some time to figure out what you want in your next relationship
0 Replies
 
 

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