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Can my bf be gaslighting me?

 
 
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 07:28 am

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for several years and most of them have been very loving. But he has a very pushy personality but it’s never gotten to the point where I have to break up with because we do love each other a lot. When he doesn’t get his way seems to pout temporarily and get then he gets out of it. He is very loving to me and my adult son who has a disability and is very into family both mine and his.
He has talked about moving with me in the past and getting married but I didn’t because I never felt ready. The primary reason being that I didn’t trust the way he managed his finances. I don’t think I need to get a lot of details other than to say we are not the same when it comes to paying bills and budgeting for the future. However he doesn’t become delinquent but is lazy and terms of paying his bills and saving money for a rainy day.
The other night I asked if he paid rent late (I knew he did thru other sources) and he had a complete meltdown as he stood above me while I was sitting calmly and yelled at me saying **** you many times and stormed out of my house. He called me about an hour later and said he wasn’t apologizing but he regretted it happened and I should apologize for asking him and looking into it.
I explained I need to know that he’s financially responsible enough to move into my house as we have been talking about soon and pay me his share of the house of expenses but either way I ended up apologizing which I think is crazy. What’s crazier is the following night he stopped by and was real sweet and loving.
He proposed marriage to me!
I obviously was thrown off based on our last conversation and I asked him how you go from cursing me out and tell me it’s not my business to this to marriage. By the way other than him telling me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me was very cold he sat in one chair and I set another and it was very businesslike in my opinion. I let him say his thing and then I told him that why I loved him I’d be concerned about our incompatibility regards to finances and that would hold me back. He told me those concerns will resolve themselves once we were married but we should get married sooner rather than later and time was working against us but at that for us.
He said he was up all night thinking about it and he was sure this was the right thing for both of us to move our relationship forward. It should be noted that he has been anxious to get out of this apartment is the day he met me I was seven years ago and moved into my quiet luxurious home. I did not turn him down immediately but told him I had to think about it but reality was my stomach was turning because I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He lives in a fantasy world and never wants to look at the harsh reality only dream dreams about things. Reality is that I would end up picking up the slack since I have good income and I have substantial assets and he has limited assets and a very modest income.



I suppose my question is am I correct this is gaslighting and he’s controlling me and how could someone who loves you so much. Even if he didn’t agree with what I was saying how can he say **** U, **** u over and over to me (standing over me while I sat and didn't yell) and then the next day ask me go marry him? Am I dealing with somebody who will only bring misery to me in the long run?
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 10:31 am
@feelingabused,
feelingabused wrote:


Reality is that I would end up picking up the slack since I have good income and I have substantial assets and he has limited assets and a very modest income.




Don't know why you're calling this gaslighting.

That would be if he were telling you something right in front of your faces wasn't there, or happening.

Reality is what I quoted you as saying above.


Question.
If you're the one with the good income, and substantial assests, why are you letting someone who lives in a fantasy, makes little money and has no assests take on the control of making the move to bring up marriage?

"He proposed marriage to me!"

Whee!
This person who won't carry his share of financial responsibility, doesn't pay his rent on time (you know as well as I do he doesn't. If he did, he would have just said he does), who is pushy, manipulative and more, gets to make the grand gesture of asking you to marry, and get your heart all a flutter.

What exactly would you gain by being married?

You'd still be paying the bills, living with someone who pouts when he doesn't get his way, but will now, unless you write a prenup (which I'm sure would send him into a major fit) may, depending on where you live, be owner of half your stuff.

But....but...he said he was going to change!

You don't believe that, neither does he.

How exactly will the quality of your life be enhanced by him living in the same space?
Are you intending to keep separate bank accounts? Keep your assets away from his ability to access them?

I think you already knew all this, but needed to hear someone else say it.
0 Replies
 
farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 11:17 am
what does gaslighting mean?

chai2
 
  3  
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 11:26 am
@farmerman,
Basically it's when someone, especially one close to you, makes you doubt that what you know to be true, isn't.

They'll look you straight in the face and tell you something didn't happen.

Or withholding information you needed to make an informed decision or complete something, then blames you for the failure.

That sort of thing.

On the surface it would seem you would just tell the person "That's not how it is", but in practice, it starts with small things where you think "Huh, I guess I was was wrong" and then escalates.

The term came from the 1940's movie "Gaslight" where the husband was trying to make his wife think she was insane.

He would dim the gaslights in their home, and when she would notice and say something, he would insist nothing had change.

Basically f*cking with your head.
farmerman
 
  2  
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 11:34 am
@chai2,
no problem, Id kill him, try drowning.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 11:53 am
Honestly?
That's a perfectly sensible reaction farmer.

In reality, especially when it's happening to a child, it's much more subtle, and not seen by others.

I would be told various things happened/didn't happen/existed/didn't exist when I was a kid.
Mostly though negating the impression something would have on me.
Things like "Oh you think you have it so bad"
How can you say, when you're dependent on someone, "yeah, it is so bad"
A kid gets it that the same people telling them this stuff were the ones that fed you and put a roof over your head, so you can only go so far with visibly resisting them.

It just wears away at you, as a child or adult.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 12:09 pm
You two have met, I'm sure: https://able2know.org/topic/521351-1#post-6862455

How much more drama do you need (or do you think we need to hear) before you pull the plug on this trainwreck?
farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 07:19 pm
@jespah,
uhhh, can our chief exec be gaslighting us all?
0 Replies
 
Jewels Vern
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 09:00 pm
@feelingabused,
I don't understand why either of you wants to hang out with the other.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 09:08 pm
@Jewels Vern,
I don't understand why a 60 or 61 year old person wants to get married again.

I mean, seriously.

You've had your kids if you wanted them, you have someone you can date, have a romantic relationship with, live with if you want. What's the purpose of getting married at that point.

Better to just keep it easy.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Jul, 2019 11:02 pm
@feelingabused,
I've heard this story before, and I may be getting tired of it.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Jul, 2019 02:56 am
@farmerman,
I thought it was a relatively recent term too, but no.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_(1944_film)
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Jul, 2019 03:08 am
Feeling lonely? Desperate for attention?

If you ever make it through puberty these feelings will pass.
0 Replies
 
 

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