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She wants sex. I don't. How do I let go?

 
 
vonderjohn
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 May, 2005 03:08 pm
and escvelocity .. yes, I look ahead, and I think of the consequences. I don't throw anything in the window, especially if it maybe long lasting.

In the end, a lady to me is someone to love and to take care of, not enjoy and throw away afterwards.

I just adore women. I believe they're the best creatures ever created. I love them so much im ready to deprive myself from what I enjoy doing, in return for their dignity and well being.
0 Replies
 
nimh
 
  1  
Reply Fri 10 Jun, 2005 06:16 pm
vonderjohn wrote:
I just adore women. I believe they're the best creatures ever created. I love them so much im ready to deprive myself from what I enjoy doing, in return for their dignity and well being.

You're even ready to deprive her from what she enjoys doing, in return for what you consider to be her dignity.

That wasnt meant to sound confrontative as I'm sure it does. Just to start at the beginning: basically, my reaction is - you're so cool. Just a guy who says: no, I dont want to have sex with someone I dont really love. And I dont want to be pushed or made to feel obliged to have sex, either - I dont want it if I dont feel it, and thats it. All of that is really cool, and rare enough in a man (if not as rare as people make it out to be). Thats all my primary reaction. Its positively admirable!

But as I got to read more of your posts, a secondary reaction crept up: I began to see what Sozobe was on about. As far as I can tell, you actually have two reasons why you dont want to have sex with her. One is: because you dont love her and you dont want to have sex with someone you dont love. Bravo. Two is: you feel having sex without love would violate her dignity. (OK, and three would be: you feel having sex without love would violate your dignity.)

The second one suggests there might perhaps be a conflict of values as well as desires here between the two of you? Because she seems to be a lot less reticent to have sex with someone who might not love her as much as she might want him to - or rather, as you feel someone a woman has sex with should. That might be one to think about.

I mean, either way it is all fully up to you and its all fully your right - you have to act according to whats right for you and whats right in life, obviously, period - its good for your soul. So whether it is one reason or the other, you always have the right to say no, no further than this. You are not obliged to go further just because you've gone this far, even if the other then may feel you've been a tease (and thats exactly what she may well feel).

But still reason #2 is something that, eh ... this is complicated ... but that some/many here might not, from our cultural vantage point, consider right. To many of us, a woman is not any less dignified just because she has or wants to have sex with someone who doesnt love her for real. Many women here have had sex with men that didnt really love them, sometimes knowingly and willingly, and sure dont feel their dignity is gone or violated. You know?

Of course it's different if you've made a woman think you love her, and she wants to have sex with you because she thinks you do. That would be deceit, so its good that you plan (I think) to be honest about your feelings. But otherwise many here (me too) would feel that as far as a woman's dignity is involved, thats her dominion.

In any case, welcome to A2K, btw! I can see you've been here for ages, but I hadnt seen any posts of yours yet I think. You're very articulate, and obviously have a kind heart, and you bring a rare perspective - what could we ask for more! <smiles>
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nimh
 
  1  
Reply Fri 10 Jun, 2005 06:18 pm
Argh, I just saw this thread is two weeks old. That happens to me ever so often Embarrassed

Hope to see more of you some other time, Vonderjohn!
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vonderjohn
 
  1  
Reply Sat 11 Jun, 2005 06:56 am
nimh

Even if the post was 2 years old, your reply really added value to the topic. I appreciate the time spent typing it, and clarifying the fact of how many girls don't feel un-dignified or insulted if they have sex with someone who even doesn't love them back. It's just that im a principle centered person, and I wouldn't do something out of limits of my principles.

The more im meeting with that girl the more things are becoming more and more explicit, so I decided to gradually stop meeting her, although it's pissing her off. It seems to me that the more she's seeing me the more she's being "physically and sexually demanding" ... and I don't want to go too far.

I'm in the middle of my exams these days but I'll surely write a longer reply to your post. Besides, thank you for your welcome to A2K , I've been here for ages right, and this place has added value to my knowledge in many fields Smile Thanks to the efforts of you and everyone around.
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