She wants sex. I don't. How do I let go?

Correct.



EVEN if she said she won't be hurt or she won't mind or she's totally into it...im not convinced..I don't want it..it's simple plain me. The "idea" of having sex with someone I don't love is insulting to ME. I won't be comfortable with it..even if she is.

Good for you, vonderjohn!

If it's not something you want and you aren't comfortable with it, don't let anybody talk you into doing it.

I have to agree with Noddy. It may seem kinder to you to cut her off gradually, but believe me, it will just prolong the pain for both of you. This is one of those times when you've just got to gather your courage and do what you know is right. A clean break is best.

Yeah, stick to your guns, vonderjohn! I can't see why you should feel obliged to act in ways that you're not comfortable with here? Almost out of duty!

By all means, stick to your guns. If it just doesn't work for you, that's reason enough, but what about Were I in her position, I just might feel as though false expectations had been raised.

Yeah, roger, I might feel the same way. But until a commitment is made, either party is free to back out of the relationship. Nothing wrong with saying, "This isn't working for me."

No matter what he says to her, she'll probably wonder what she did wrong. Then she'll get angry. Then she'll get over it.

I just want her to realize that she did nothing wrong, she's great, she did no mistake...but its just me who doesnt want to go any further. I just hope those words wont pain her too much...

Oh. Well, in that case, turn her loose in such a way she becomes very mad at you. It's very hard to have your feelings hurt by someone you hate. Naturally, you won't be able to "just be friends again", which is good.

vonderjohn- I applaud you that you are sticking to your guns in the matter of sex. If she wants more than you can give her, I agree with the people here, who have advised you to be perfectly honest.

There is no way that you can reject someone without causing pain. I think that if she has higher expectations of a relationship than you have to offer, the honest thing is to break it off completely. If you don't, I am afraid that you friend will still think that she has a chance with you.

THAT would be the gentlemanly thing to do!

im gonna talk to her about it the next time we meet..let's hope it goes fine and she doesnt drag me into bed ! wish me luck

OK, thanks for clarifying, vonderjohn. My objection was to the apparent theme of "having sex with a woman = using a woman." If it's just plain that you only want to have sex with someone with whom you are deeply in love, sure, that's your perogative.

I do agree with others that next time you probably want to make that clear from the beginning, though. Some women will find it endearing, some will find it off-putting -- but the advantage is that the ones who find it endearing are more likely to be the kind of person you want to be with.

Hope it goes well for you when you talk to her.

Youre a guy
Shes an older woman
Shes giving you a key to the candy store
and You dont like her candy,
Im sure that whatever you tell her will make her feel full of self esteem.

Theres deeper issues here.Places that we cant go with you. Questions that you must ask yourself.
How ya gonna get good at the art of satisfying a woman if you never practice?

My first response was....

What? Are you nuts? What self respecting American young man filled with raging hormones is going to turn down an opportunity like that offered by an experienced older woman?

But then I stopped and looked at where you are posting from. The middle east is rather a large place with lots of different customs and problems that I can't begin to even consider. Based on the fact that you cuddle and make out tells me she doesn't wear a Burkha but it is rather hard to give advice in the dark without knowing societal norms.

In my neck of the woods when I was in my teens and early 20s if any guy decided to not have sex with a woman so eager to give it up the rumors would soon be flying about him being gay. But that was a different time and obviously a different place from where you are now. Only you can know the consequences of your actions.

Keep in mind, being such a nice guy will probably make her want to have sex with you all the more.

parados

I understand the "shift" in your response as a result of my location.

I am from the middle east, yes, and specifically from LEBANON. Lebanon is considered one of the most outgoing societies here in the middle east, where you'll find a much more diveresed, cosmopolitan, medeterranean mix, more than a "bukhra" or ultra-conservative mainstreams. We have no "burkha" .. or whatever the name is Sex before marriage is plentiful here, and the beauty of females is everywhere We're Lebanon, not Iran. Big difference.

Back to our topic, a typical Lebanese guy in my position would definitely end up with either a one night stand or a lifetime relationship with this lady, or would simply get into bed with her, enjoy it, and then move to another lady, and another..and another. Options are open. But when it comes to me, I am principle centered. I have a principle that says having sex is making love and not just enjoying pleasure. It's based on conviction and reason not on instinct and hormones. This principle has nothing to do with my society or where I come from. I might as well be in the U.S or the north pole or in african tribes, and still, this principle would never change, irrespective of where I live.

So it's important here to neglect my location and my society since they have no influence whatsoever on my decision which is principle centered, and shall stay as such.

I sometimes imagine this lady like my sister. If my sister was in her position, would I want her to submit herself to a guy who doesn't love her the way she does? That would be totally unfair. I wouldn't want it to happen.

She sends me messages everynight asking me to "turn her on" and that her "vag*** is hurting her" ... and that she would "kill any woman who comes near me"

.. a lot of raging hormones that I want to cool down.

Wish me luck

See, there it is again!



Sometimes women like to have sex. Especially women who talk like this one. Do you know for a fact that she loves you more than you love her, or just that she's hornier at the moment?

Anyway, do whatever you feel is right, I've just really wanted to try to get this one point through to you.

Big thanks sozobe. Yes I realize that she loves me way much more, and she's way much more hornier too. But how to cool her down? That's my challenge here.

HOW do you know she loves you way more?

Eh, I'll drop that.

As has been said already, main way to cool her down was to not have gotten to this point -- impossible, of course. (But something to keep in mind for next time.)

Now you just have to be up-front about it, and feelings will be hurt. But they'll be hurt less than if you keep dragging things on.

I'd phrase it with a lot of apologies and "I should have said something earlier"s and also something about how if it wasn't for this principle of yours, you'd so be jumping her bones -- I think she is likely to take it as you are not attracted to her, which is adding insult to injury.

This is one of the few real "it's not you, it's me" situations, make sure she goes away knowing that you DO think she's attractive.

vonderjohn--

Your comments seem to have an undercurrent of confidence that you will be able to control this woman's mind and heart. Once you explain your position (although perhaps frequent explanations will be needed) then she will understand and be your good friend.

You are going to have to hurt this woman's feelings. Rather than accept the responsibility for having raised her expectations and getting out of her life you have decided that you will change her expectations--and this will let you off the hook for having led her to believe that you were serious about her.

Tell her the truth and let her go.

I have a quick question....does the consequences of having sex, like creating a child, play a role in your desicion to refrain from sex with someone without love?
For many men, consequences go out the window, when it comes to having sex. Even with birth control accidents do happen. And allot suffer when an accident does happen, especially with women that they just wanted casual sex with, and had no intention of them bearing their children.
One mistake can lead to a lifelong commitment(18 or so years) with someone you truly aren't happy with.

send her to raleigh on vacation and give her my number. I'll see that she's cooled off. No need to thank me, I'm a care bear.

LOL BVT, i swear your post are among the most entertaining, i swear!