She wants sex. I don't. How do I let go?

I'd just tell her that you like her but don't have the same deep feelings for her that she has for you. Tell her that you don't want to use her and that you think it is best if you stopped seeing each other.

She may be mad at first but in time she should be grateful that you were gentlemanly enough to respect her.

First of all, congratulations on being a decent enough guy to not use a girl for your own personal gain.

I think hurting her is unavoidable.

But the advice given about seriously talking to her about it is good.
I dont think hints are gona work, yuo need to sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel.
She clearly likes you alot and she will be completely devestated and think that she is the most unnatractive person in the world, so affirm that you find her attractive but you dont think the physical side should go any further.
You do have to set boundaries.You could carry on with the kissing and cuddling and keep it as that, or completely stop altogether.

I think in the future you need to nip things in the bud or let a girl know where she stands before all the kissing and cuddling starts.
If a guy does the kissing and cuddling thing we take it as a sign that a guy is interested.(we think weird things like that)

jpin, this morning I've read several posts from you
here at the relationship sub, and I have to hand it to
you, you give great, sound advice.

Wait wait wait...

WHY don't you want to have sex with her?







This doesn't make sense to me, itself. Is it that you don't want to have sex with anyone until marriage? Is it that she's much younger than you are? Is it that you think she can't be serious about wanting to have sex with you?

This lady seems to really WANT to be treated this way, and unless you present more reasoning, I don't think it is for you to decide what she really wants/ what is best for her.

I agree with jp and material girl. This woman wants to get serious and there is no way that you are going to get out of the relationship without dashing her dreams.

Be honest, be tactful and be as brief as possible. Ideally this relationship will be behind you after one conversation (preferably during daylight in a public place).

After your Not Attracted announcement, avoid any attempt on her part to engage in "what ifs" and other varieties of post mortems.

Material girl makes an excellent point--the kissy-kissy part indicates to most women that you are attracted to them and not to any warm female body.

Good luck.

Thanks CJ... I always thought I would make a good shrink but I don't have the patients for the whole "Lets explore your feelings" thing. I'd want to sit them down and say... Here's what is going on and here is what you should do.

Then I'd probably get annoyed that they didn't follow my advice.

So I figure I better keep my advice giving to people who aren't paying for it

One more possible question -- is it that you're not attracted to her?

So far, the possibililty that women can enjoy sex without it necessarily being part of some big profound at least semi-permanent relationship doesn't seems to be part of the equation.

What if he isn't comfortable with sex just for sex sake? Her feelings aren't the only ones involved here. I think he knows that it would be nothing more than sex for him and doesn't want to use a woman in that way. I think he should be commended.

Maybe she wants just sex? Is that possible?

Right, that's why I asked the questions. As presented, he hasn't given that info. If so, that's fine. But the info he has given is much more towards he doesn't want her to be used -- what if SHE wants to be "used"? (As Bella says, just wanting sex, plain and simple.)

He says he started to talk about boundaries/limits and she wanted to change the subject.
That says to me that she wants a relationship.

Oh, of course. (At least, she wants a physical relationship.) My question is why doesn't HE? If it is that he is not attracted to her, wants to wait until marriage, whatever, fine (though not sure why he let it get to this point.) But his reasoning seems to be that he doesn't want to hurt her.

It doesn't seem to allow for the possibility that not-too-terribly-profound sex is fine with her.

Have to admit it seems very unusual(no offence) that its the guy being considerate an not wanting sex.There are very few guys around like that.

I hear you.

I'd never have sex with a woman, unless I was deeply in love with her.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

just set the boundries tell her that you are not taking the relationship serious like she is. If she still wants to have sex then why not? go ahead and do it. it's not very often you find a girl who just wants to do the deed with no feelings attached.

more about the situation
Everyone..

Thank you for the advice. Im going to use it all. But first, let me clarify a few points:



No, im not waiting to have sex until marriage. Im ready to have sex (id like to call it MAKE LOVE instead) to a lady if I really loved her that much. But the problem is that I do NOT love that girl to the extent of giving her something as special as sex. No. I love her as to care so much about her and to be devoted to her to a certain extent...but NOT to the extent of sex. No. However, she has so much love towards me she wants not just sex, but wild sex. She sent me a message last night "asking me" to feel her body, dominate her, let her s*** my d*** and play with .. **** etc.... (very intimate and explicit manner)

I replied with a lower tone, but it didn't really work. I guess it needs more than just SMS to calm her down about it.

Another point: The lady is 5 years older than me. So, let's say even if I do love her, there is no much possibility for a guaranteed future with her. That is, IF I loved her that much.

The situation is in its climax. It takes 1 meeting in a closed room for sex to start on. I don't want that to happen. I feel i'll be using a girl if I have sex with her without true love, without me really meaning it.

Things are heated up, and I want to cool them down in the smoothest, least-pain way possible. I know I cannot escape pain on both sides, but I want the least of it, especially for her. She is a sensitive lady (just like many females) who has deep desires inside that wouldn't handle a block. So im looking for a moderate, slow, step-by-step, GRADUAL way of letting loose.

Yes, I know I should set boundaries, but im just looking for the proper, most suitable manner,context and event to do it so that she'll be the least hurt.

Yes, sex is knocking on my door. But if I don't mean it, I don't want it. And above all, I don't want to see that sweet heart in deep pain.
Thanks again

I think it's fine that you are not that into her

If a girl in her 20s came on and send i'm with a guy, he wants sex, i don't, what do i do? Then nobody would bat an eyelid!!

If you're not ready then you're not ready and that is YOUR CHOICE. It might even be worthwhile explaining that much to her

Tapering off passion--particularly one-sided passion is going to result in greater hurt for her.

You distance yourself. She tries harder. You distance yourself. She tries harder. She queries herself, her approach to you, whether or not she is fit to be loved...

Meanwhile time is passing.

Ending a relationship is like ripping off a bandaid--quick is kind.

Vonderjohn, sorry to press this point, I just want to understand. I started to get to, "Oh, it's just that he wants to reserve sex for someone he's deeply in love with -- that's cool." But then again you wind up with "Yes, sex is knocking on my door. But if I don't mean it, I don't want it. And above all, I don't want to see that sweet heart in deep pain."

???

Please answer this as directly as you can:

Imagine this situation. You say to her, "I'd love to have sex with you, I think it would be a lot of fun. But I'm worried about hurting you. I'm worried that you would take it as an indication of a deep and lasting commitment, which I'm not ready to give."

She says, "Thanks for being honest. I just want sex with you, baby. Don't worry about hurting my feelings... I LIKE sex. I don't need strings. Off with your clothes."

Then what?