He wants to be alone?

pragmatic wrote:

I really do know how you feel - I had the same kind of feeling, wanting to keep in contact with someone I held as special, but never able to open my mouth, half because I didn't know his reaction, half becaue I didn't feel I was ready (and I know I'm not):

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1358925#1358925

I read your post. I really understand how you felt. You see, the reason we couldn't go out is that he is in a way my superior and before I actually worked up the courage to tell him how I feel the first time (it took me more that a year to do that) I felt the same way... I didn't know how to go beyond a professional relationship, I was afraid of his reaction, I was afraid he would think I'm out of line....

Funny thing is, I analyzed the situation so many times in my head, and thought about all the answers he might give me, but I never considered this possiblility.... There are so many reasons to say no.... but what he said... It just doesn't leave me any options.....

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I think if this man wants to be left alone, you should respect his wishes, and leave him alone. I think he has a right to do and be what he wants (just like everyone else), and it's not your job or place to change him.

Why not find someone else, who would be EAGER to spend time with you? This person is not a puzzle or problem for you to solve... if he says he wants to be alone, you should take him at his word.

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BorisK - of course, I see what you mean too - whats the use of banging one's head against a brick wall? But you know, there may be something in what FreeLancer's involved in. She hasn't been doing anything extreme - if she had no alternative other than to stalk him, I would be seriously worried but now, I think she's just trying to coax him out of his shell and see why he wants to be alone alone alone.

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-FreeLancer- wrote:

Funny thing is, I analyzed the situation so many times in my head, and thought about all the answers he might give me, but I never considered this possiblility.... There are so many reasons to say no.... but what he said... It just doesn't leave me any options.....

Analyzing too much gives me a headache and only makes me more confused, or guilty or stupid, like I must have done something wrong in front of him and now he thinks I'm a fool - I try not to, but hey, we're women - we think too much. :wink:

Its true - he's gone and cut you out completely from any possiblity or alternative you may have had. Oh dear. Crying or Very sad

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BorisKitten wrote:

I think if this man wants to be left alone, you should respect his wishes, and leave him alone. I think he has a right to do and be what he wants (just like everyone else), and it's not your job or place to change him.

Why not find someone else, who would be EAGER to spend time with you? This person is not a puzzle or problem for you to solve... if he says he wants to be alone, you should take him at his word.

From what I know him, and it has been 2 years.... it's not about him having the right to do what he wants. Of course he can. He's free to do anything, but I think that he has a problem, that there's something in his past that keeps him from having a normal life (and you have to agree that normal also includes having people around you...) and I just want to help him....

I know he likes me. He told me he likes me, he told me he likes talking to me and it is a known fact that we do get along great (hence the rumors around the office about us). The proof is that he told me all the (by normal standards) embarrassing details about his life (or lack-of) when he could have just said <insert usual reason for saying no here> :-)

He doesn't want to have a relationship? Ok. I just want to be able to see him once I leave my job, I want to hang out, stay in touch... whatever....

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pragmatic wrote:

She hasn't been doing anything extreme - if she had no alternative other than to stalk him, I would be seriously worried but now

Did think about that..... thought it'd be a bad possible-relationship precedent and gave up on the idea.... Razz

Just kidding....

Quote:

I think she's just trying to coax him out of his shell and see why he wants to be alone alone alone

YESSSS.... if he could just tell me.... like the example he gave me this morning about asking a guy who hasn't eaten for two weeks to go to the opera with you... (that is kinda funny) well my answer was that I would first feed the guy Laughing

so I asked what was the equivalent in our case and he just looked away and didn't say anything.....

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pragmatic wrote:

Analyzing too much gives me a headache and only makes me more confused, or guilty or stupid, like I must have done something wrong in front of him and now he thinks I'm a fool - I try not to, but hey, we're women - we think too much. :wink:

You think? :wink:

*note to self: stop thinking* Laughing

You're right. We think too much, analyze too much... I wish things were simple... The bad part is that I look around me and things *are* simple... for the rest of the world.... Crying or Very sad

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-FreeLancer- wrote:

BorisKitten wrote:
I think if this man wants to be left alone, you should respect his wishes, and leave him alone. I think he has a right to do and be what he wants (just like everyone else), and it's not your job or place to change him.

Why not find someone else, who would be EAGER to spend time with you? This person is not a puzzle or problem for you to solve... if he says he wants to be alone, you should take him at his word.

From what I know him, and it has been 2 years.... it's not about him having the right to do what he wants. Of course he can. He's free to do anything, but I think that he has a problem, that there's something in his past that keeps him from having a normal life (and you have to agree that normal also includes having people around you...) and I just want to help him........

If he wants help with his problems, he can hire a therapist. It isn't your job to help him even if he asks you to help him, which he apparently hasn't.

What if you had told a guy you wanted to be left alone, for whatever reason, and he decided you had problems he could help you with? In other words, what if he decided you needed something other than what you said you needed? He would be discounting and disrespecting your stated wishes.

My position is, from the age of 43, do not ever try to FIX people. If he wants fixing, he has to fix himself. You cannot solve his problems for him.

-FreeLancer- wrote:

I know he likes me. He told me he likes me, he told me he likes talking to me and it is a known fact that we do get along great (hence the rumors around the office about us). The proof is that he told me all the (by normal standards) embarrassing details about his life (or lack-of) when he could have just said <insert usual reason for saying no here> :-)

He doesn't want to have a relationship? Ok. I just want to be able to see him once I leave my job, I want to hang out, stay in touch... whatever....

The question is not whether he "likes you." The question is whether you are willing to take him at his word and respect his stated wishes. I say, offer him the same respect you'd like for yourself.

Again, this is a person, not a broken machine. Unlike a machine, he has a right to say whether he wants to be fixed or not. And you have an obligation, if you respect him, to respect his wishes.

You can certainly tell him you'd like to see him after you leave your job. Give him your phone number, and let him call you if he wants. Nothing wrong with that.

My advice: Do not try to change anyone... even if they say they want to change, which he has not.

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BorisKitten wrote:

If he wants help with his problems, he can hire a therapist. It isn't your job to help him even if he asks you to help him, which he apparently hasn't.

What if you had told a guy you wanted to be left alone, for whatever reason, and he decided you had problems he could help you with? In other words, what if he decided you needed something other than what you said you needed? He would be discounting and disrespecting your stated wishes.

My position is, from the age of 43, do not ever try to FIX people. If he wants fixing, he has to fix himself. You cannot solve his problems for him.

The question is not whether he "likes you." The question is whether you are willing to take him at his word and respect his stated wishes. I say, offer him the same respect you'd like for yourself.

Again, this is a person, not a broken machine. Unlike a machine, he has a right to say whether he wants to be fixed or not. And you have an obligation, if you respect him, to respect his wishes.

You can certainly tell him you'd like to see him after you leave your job. Give him your phone number, and let him call you if he wants. Nothing wrong with that.

My advice: Do not try to change anyone... even if they say they want to change, which he has not.

I'm not trying to fix him like he was a machine. I'm not pushing or anything, you're missing the point.
All I'm asking is what could I do/say right now to let him know that I'd like to see him after I leave or at least talk sometimes....

Like I said, we get along great at work, we have these great 3-4 hour long conversations when we work late and end up ordering take outs and staying at the office until 3 am... and I think it would be a shame to lose all that.....

I think I actually stood a chance at keeping in touch with him, professionally we even talked about working toghether on a project next year (we might still do it, but it's in january 2006.... and that's a lot of waiting) but that was all before I told him that I like him. I'm afraid right now I don't stand a chance....

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BorisKitten wrote:

My position is, from the age of 43, do not ever try to FIX people. If he wants fixing, he has to fix himself. You cannot solve his problems for him.

From the age of 43??? He's 31. I'm 24.

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I think BK meant that SHE, BorisKitten, is 43...from her perspective as a 43 year old.

BTW, she's right. Trying to change someone never works.

Things are NOT simple for the rest of the world, either. You're only seeing the surface, not the whole picture. Everyone's life is complicated. Get used to it.

Only time will tell if the guy is actually interested or not. I hafta say, it doesn't sound promising, though. I'd consider him just a friend and look elsewhere for more.