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Wed 25 May, 2005 01:29 am
There's this guy I've known for about two years. We're not really that close, but we're friends I guess.
Anyway, we couldn't go out because of company policy, but about 8 months ago we had this 4 hour talk, me telling him that I like him and what he said at that time was that it's not possible, he's not allowed to.
The thing is I'm quitting (not because of him, for different reasons) and I thought well
there's my chance!
So yesterday I went to see him and asked if we could talk, and we did, and I told him that I like him, that I still like him and would he like to go out sometimes.
And he tells me that he can't go out with me. So I tell him (although he already knew) that I'm quitting, in two weeks I'm off, and he goes
this has nothing to do with the two of us or with the job, he can't go out with me because he doesn't go out with anybody, he likes being alone and it's not something that could change. Ever. So when I ask why (I was completely shocked) he says it's waaay too personal, but it has always been this way.
So ok. You'd think that it was just a polite way of saying no, right? BUT, the thing is I actually believe him. You see, he does have this strange behaviour in general (not too strange, but there are times when people tend to go "Huh?????") and there have even been rumours around the office that he's gay, that he's depressive, that he once tried to commit suicide (JUST rumours. I actually spent time with him. He's smart, funny
nothing weird about him)
there was this stupid bet a couple of months ago ppl saying he never had sex (he's 31 btw, I'm 24).
What I know for a fact (and I know it because we've talked about it) is that he's not gay, and he hasn't been in ANY relationships for the past 2-3 years at least.
Another thing. I was positive he would say yes. I mean we always got along great. We don't see each other outside the office, but we have this great chemistry and I really really think it could actually work out between us. There were/are even rumours (I know, a lot of rumours :-) ) that there's something going on between us. I mean like 50% of the people are positive we're together. And that's why I always ignored everything that ppl were saying about him
.
What I'm asking
. Could what he said be true? If it's just a way of saying no, then I completely understand and give up. But when I asked if that was the case (several times :-) ) he said no. Absolutely not.
And if what he said is true
. What could I do about that? How could I convince him to at least give it a chance instead of saying no from the beginning? I don't even care if it's with me or in general, but I want at least to try and help him if I can
.
Anyway, I hope this is detailed enough to give you an accurate description of the situation
. Thanks for your help and sorry if I made any mistakes, I'm not English
Do you think its a good idea to push it? I mean some guys really do not like a girl not because they are gay, just because they aren't ready. My dad was the hotshot back in his time and up to something like 50 girls were after him, but he wasn't interesting in one of them, simply because he just wasn't ready for a relationship. He didn't get married till he was 40. This guy is only 31.
I get it if he's not ready for a realtionship, but him saying that he wants to be alone. Always? We're not even talking about a relationship, but at least going out. Socializing....
He's not a hotshot. He's shy
. Far from being a hotshot
Ok. There's been somewhat of a developpement since my last post.
I *acidentally* bumped into him and since we were all alone, we resumed our conversation. So I asked, pretty streightforward, is the "not going out with anybody wanting to be alone" part a polite way of refusing me? So he sais he was indead saying no, but the reason he gave is 100% true. There is nothing that interests him outside his job and he feels he has to dedicate himself completely to doing his job well. He feels that doing anything outside that would interfere. I quote: "It's like asking a guy who hasn't eaten for 2 weeks to go to the opera with you. You can't ask me about relationships, that's something I *never* think about. I don't see ANYONE outside work "
Is this normal???? What could I do? Pls, I really need some advice here! This thing has been going on for 2 years now!!!
I just don't know what I could do. I mean I'm also somewhat of a workaholic, but that doesn't keep me from going out, having fun.... the usual.
Maybe it is - he sounds more of an workaholic - more of an obsessive work maniac. But you know - its possible. I'm 19 so I don't know if its just me or I really am too young, but I have never had a boyfriend - NEVER. no hands holding, no kissing - etc etc, I am a 100% virgin in all ways. And one of the most substantial reasons is because I am so committed to study -to be able to get good marks and go to a top uni. Sounds weird, but this is my perspective and it makes sense to me. Does this sound like something he's going thru as well?
When you pass his house, you dont happen to see an old lady looking out of the Attic window, do you?
I would move on, and let him live his life on his own.
P.S. Good for you, Pragmatic. I think it's marvellous that you are devoting everything to your studies. But I'm glad that such an emphasis on education wasnt around when I was a teenager....................
But that's another story.
Your reply is actually very interesting, pragmatic....
You see I know about workaholism.... I invented the concept :-). My studies and my job have always been more important than anything... I always graduated top of my class and everything, but that doesn't keep me from having a normal social life, boyfriends, friends-friends....
From what he told me, it sounds like he's going through the same thing you are. He feels that doing things outside his job would mean his performance would decrease or something. Do you feel that way too? And the most important question... what could someone do to change that... I'm not talking about any radical change... but you know... baby steps..... I mean we're talikng about a person who doesn't even go out... nothing....
YESSSS, I'm really interested in this guy :-)
Lord Ellpus wrote:When you pass his house, you dont happen to see an old lady looking out of the Attic window, do you?
What's that supposed to mean?
If I wanted to give up on him I would have done it 2 years ago... but I didn't. That's just me. Someone gives me a problem that can't be solved, the first thing I do is go home and solve it.
I dont know whether you were aiming your response to Prag, or myself.
I can tell you that I am in no way a Workaholic, and that my performance went out of the window years ago.
Lord Ellpus wrote:I dont know whether you were aiming your response to Prag, or myself.
I can tell you that I am in no way a Workaholic, and that my performance went out of the window years ago.
Pragmatic. I was writing while you answered so I hadn't seen your post.
-FreeLancer- wrote:Lord Ellpus wrote:When you pass his house, you dont happen to see an old lady looking out of the Attic window, do you?
What's that supposed to mean?
If I wanted to give up on him I would have done it 2 years ago... but I didn't. That's just me. Someone gives me a problem that can't be solved, the first thing I do is go home and solve it.
It was bsically a lighthearted way of maybe confirming that he is a bit "different".
The face in the window came from a famous old movie (1960) that starred Anthony Perkins, and Janet Leigh.
You've obviously not watched it.
Maybe, the fascination with this guy comes from the fact that he is making himself unavailable, therefore you see it as bit of a challenge?
Quote:You've obviously not watched it.
...obviously...
Quote:Maybe, the fascination with this guy comes from the fact that he is making himself unavailable, therefore you see it as bit of a challenge?
Maybe... but I really wouldn't mind if things were simple.... *really*
Uhh...hi, me back. FreeLancer, re your post back at page one about how someone like your guy can change - well, from my perspective, I don't think I can ever change until I have gotten what I want - a first class honours degree. People have told me to get a life - live it and have fun. Of course that's true - you are only young once. but my thinking, being pragmatic and realistic is - well, I could have fun now but mess up my studies and then once my days of fun are over - what do I have left? I hope for your sake that your guy isn't like me, but if he is like me in the workaholic way, he's probably got the same perspective as me.
But being alone...I don't think I can stand being alone - I need people around me. I would not think about having no relationship - just not yet. But I do intend to get a guy and married, some day. Meanwhile, I love being with friends, gals or guys. That doesn't sound like what your guy has in mind. Is he anti-social???
Lord Ellpus wrote:The face in the window came from a famous old movie (1960) that starred Anthony Perkins, and Janet Leigh.
You've obviously not watched it.
I have and I know which one you are talking about. Psycho, by the famous Alfred Hitcock. I think Anthony Perkins is
hot!!
That's what I'm asking? Why do you feel that having a relationship would keep you from getting a first class honours degree??? Why would anyone think that? I have so far successfully managed to get what I want professionally and still have relationships.... but that's not really the point...
Quote:But being alone...I don't think I can stand being alone - I need people around me. I would not think about having no relationship - just not yet. But I do intend to get a guy and married, some day. Meanwhile, I love being with friends, gals or guys. That doesn't sound like what your guy has in mind. Is he anti-social???
I think he is, a little bit, since he says he likes being alone, doesn't want to go out, doesn't have any friends.... but he isn't antisocial per say, as in "anti-social personality disorder"...
I really think there might be a problem there... Like something that went wrong in the past and now he just can't get over that.... I remember him telling me at some point, a while ago, that being in love is a waste of time.... and then je just dropped the subject. Back then I thought it didn't mean anything... We tend to talk a lot of nonsense when we're toghether
Yeah...you know he is in his 30s now, I'm betting that he must have had past relationships before - and maybe got hurt that he just can't handle another one - maybe he thinks that if he does build his hopes up on you, you will let him down like the first relationship did (if there was a first).
Re your first question, why do I feel that way: I just do, but with justification. I know myself, I know how I study, I know what I want. I am the kind of person who has to be able to concentrate really hard and wear myself out before I get anywhere - this is based on past report cards. I envy those who succeed breezing thru life, unfortunatly I am not one of those people. I know that to get anywhere in this world in my field of study - law - I must do well, because it is getting more and more competitive. its all these things added up that motivate me to concentrate on first things first. I'm young - I can have a relationship in 10 years time and it would still be ok. I guess that's why I'm not so into a relationship right now.
Yeah...maybe he is antisocial or suffering some secret past heart break. Could you delve into it a bit more? He might open up to you with the real reason.
Quote:Yeah...you know he is in his 30s now, I'm betting that he must have had past relationships before - and maybe got hurt that he just can't handle another one - maybe he thinks that if he does build his hopes up on you, you will let him down like the first relationship did (if there was a first).
Re your first question, why do I feel that way: I just do, but with justification. I know myself, I know how I study, I know what I want. I am the kind of person who has to be able to concentrate really hard and wear myself out before I get anywhere - this is based on past report cards. I envy those who succeed breezing thru life, unfortunatly I am not one of those people. I know that to get anywhere in this world in my field of study - law - I must do well, because it is getting more and more competitive. its all these things added up that motivate me to concentrate on first things first. I'm young - I can have a relationship in 10 years time and it would still be ok. I guess that's why I'm not so into a relationship right now.
Yeah...maybe he is antisocial or suffering some secret past heart break. Could you delve into it a bit more? He might open up to you with the real reason.
I understand what your're saying, but you seem to have a normal life, you said you can't stand being alone.... He's not like that, apparently....
I tried to ask him about his past... ask him what caused this, but he wouldn't tell me... I don't think that many people know about the stuff he's told me so far, and plus, we're not that close, so I can understand why he's not telling me his life's story....
I still want to do something.... I just don't know what.... And in two weeks am leaving and I won't see him anymore, so I have to do something and I have to do it now....
I can feel your desperation, and thanks for your comment re my normal life. :wink:
Can you just try to get his contact information and work it out from there?
I really do know how you feel - I had the same kind of feeling, wanting to keep in contact with someone I held as special, but never able to open my mouth, half because I didn't know his reaction, half becaue I didn't feel I was ready (and I know I'm not):
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1358925#1358925
I could get his phone number, but it would be weird just calling him out of the blue, wouldn't it? What would I say? "Hey, how about a cup of coffee???" when he told me he doesn't go out????
I could write him an email or something, but same problem. That's why I think it's better to try something now... We see each other almost every day... It'd be a lot easier....
The thing is on the outside, this guy can be really fun to be with. He is someone that everybody likes (even if there are on-going rumours about him... people are like that....) and he seems to have a 100% normal life... Plus he's smart, talks about anything and anything with ease....
That's why every time he used to tell me he's really shy and he doesn't go out much I was like "no way!!!!!"
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