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Sun 22 May, 2005 07:35 pm
I'm of the opinion that you may not always know what you want, but you almost always know what you don't want. So why not take that approach to a personal ad ?
Why not list the things you know you definately don't want in a potential soul mate?
Like this, for example:
Please do not reply to this ad if you are or have any of the following:
1) drug addict or alcaholic
2) unemployable (see above)
3) have a contagious and deadly disease or anything that would leave unsightly or uncomfortable marks or blemishes on me.
4) have not voted in the last ten years
5) like any band that has been known to bite off the heads of small animals
6) are a strict vegetarian
7) have children -- unless they are grown, out of your home, completely self-sufficient and rarely visit
8) have a mother who is a complete and total pain in the ass
9) a yuppie (you people know who you are!)
10) have any animal that would be classified as an "exotic pet"
Oh, and one more thing. It's O.K. if you believe in life on other planets. Not O.K. if you have seen them, talked to them or travelled with them.
So what do you think so far? Of course, this is just a rough draft. I may have to add a few more things. Maybe a lot more things.
Got any ideas? What would you definately not want in a partner?
what do you have against veggies?
Hmmm...interesting question. I'll have to think about it, but the first thing on the list would have to be that I don't want anyone who isn't willing to at least swallow every once in a while.
Quote:4) have not voted in the last ten years
Here you eliminate about half of the american population.
I really don't have anything against vegetarians, dora. I admire their discipline. In fact, I have a cousin who's a vegetarian, and she looks great!
It's just that, I'm not one. I like to have poultry, seafood, and beef as well as veggies. I just don't know if a strict vegetarian would be compatible with me.
Why? Do you think it could work? Coz' if you do, then I'll delete them off the list above. As long as they don't bug me if I want to eat a piece of chicken or something.
I guess I better give vegetarians some slack...as Calamity Jane said, I probably elimated half the population with that voting thing.
And kickycan -- I appreciate the directness -- and the blunt sexuality of your response. That's the great thing about you men -- always very direct. Just the way you can haul off and say, "give me a swallower, and I'm happy," with no beating around the bush. (Uh, no pun intended!)
My personal ad:
I do not have a small penis.
I do not live in my parents' garage.
I do not have a Frodo costume.
I do not watch taped episodes of Dr. Phil.
I did not just send this poem to my ex-girlfriend:
I cannot speak the words
To describe your beauty
For they are obscured
By the barrel of the gun
In my mouth.
None of these things are true, so please, for the love of God, go on a date with me.
What do you guys think? I feel inspired. Maybe I'll put this up on Match.com, right now!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Gargamel, that sounds like a pretty good list you've got there. Love the poetic touch. Just one suggestion. You might want to add that you are not:
gay, bisexual, a transvestite or transexual...you might want to throw in metrosexual too, just to be safe.
I mean, we want those ladies to know just what kind of lovin' you're looking for, right?
Yeah, and after a few weeks, when you're desperate enough,
you can through in the gay, bisexuals and transvestites
into your dating pool. The chances should be a lot greater
that way.
Naaah! That won't be necessary. He's got a poetic heart. The ladies will love that. Go Garagmel! I'm pulling for ya!
heavy drinker with IBS seeks warm, caring woman with stain-resistant carpet.
My ad would read :-
WANTED
A tall, well built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc
schia garden, classical music and tal
king without getting too serious
But please read only lines 1, 3 and 5.
SWM 6' 180lbs athetic build seeks athletic SWF/SAF who enjoys movies, romantic dinners, kittens, cuddling, weekends in the wine country, ballroom dancing, cruises, surprise trips to Europe, birdwatching, wildlife rescue, foot massages, back rubs, getting manicures together, and girl talk.
Oh, did I mention I'm hung like a horse?
cj-- you forgot to say "seeks woman w/ no bullshit radar"
woman with short left leg looking for man with short right leg...object: out of this world mambo.
What mine should read:
"I will most likely not commit to you, so realize there is a possibility I will sleep with other women also. On the weekends I get drunk with my friends, if I decide to invite you be prepared to be the designated driver, and be fun and social. My friends opinions count more than yours, so if one says you suck, I'll probably never talk to you again. However, once you sleep with me, I'll buy the shots. I'll even act like a stand up guy if I ever meet your parents."
Charming, eh?
Slappy, the perpetual fraternity brother.
O.K., you guys, I'm shocked and appalled...I can't believe the debauchery that's been taking place here.....so keep posting, O.K.?
Lord Ellpus, I even loved your post.....although I have no idea what the hell you just said.
BTW, on behalf of Americans everywhere, I'd like to thank you for the greatest contribution the British ever made to world culture...and that would be Monty Python's "Holy Grail." Damn! that was good!
I'm adding that on my list: "Must love Holy Grail...or be damned!!!"
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