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Trust issues

 
 
Reply Thu 20 Jun, 2019 10:12 am
Hello ! So I've been having this issue on /off with my husband keeping information /conversation from my 16 yr old daughter (not his). They do have a better relationship as daughter and dad because I tent to be more strict and come out very drastic when is time to set rules. But I feel betrayed by my husband he hide about her buying a vape thing to smoke marijuana and smoking .. I feel like I don't need someone like that in my life and I'm thinking about divorce. This is not the first time he keeps things from me .
 
HabibUrrehman
 
  0  
Reply Thu 20 Jun, 2019 10:26 am
@Mirih5 ,
The first thing you should ask yourself is whether you really want a divorce. I mean is it just an emotional decision or have you think it through and are well aware of the consequences of your decision on you and your kids? You should make sure that you have done all you can to try to solve the problems in your marriage and salvage the relationship with your spouse. If you have children you are morally obligated to, do all you can to save your marriage. Divorce is not a decision to make lightly, it is not a decision that you make when feeling overly stressed and it is not a decision to make if you are dealing with depression. Anyone thinking about divorce should first seek couples counseling, talk to your clergy, talk to your spouse about the problems as you see them and be willing to work at saving your marriage before walking away from the marriage. We live in a throwaway society. We have become people who quit when the going gets tough. Unless you are suffering abuse or serial infidelity the commitment you made to your spouse and marriage should be the most important thing in your life. It should be the thing you work hardest to maintain.
Mirih5
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jun, 2019 11:45 am
@HabibUrrehman,
I agree! For the last 16 yrs I've done everything for my kids and family . I myself don't believe in divorce. There was an infidelity from my husbands part, we never received counseling because he felt that we didn't need any, he states counseling or any of that nature is just us throwing money away, I feel we still together because of me, like you mentioned I've done it for the kids. Trust issues have been there for 6 yrs now and now hiding my oldest daughter is smoking and not communicating with me is like the last drop. His excuse is that she is a teenager, that nowadays all teenagers want to experience things and they are going to do it regardless. I feel I cannot stay with a "man" with that type of mentality for the sake of my other 3 girls.
HabibUrrehman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jun, 2019 12:07 pm
@Mirih5 ,
How long you have been married? Is there no friendship or love in your relationship? Is it just a compromise? Are you guys just sticking together because of kids? I am sorry that I am asking some personal questions but answers to those questions are crucial to give you a better advise. Again I am really sorry for your situation.
Mirih5
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Jun, 2019 12:52 pm
@HabibUrrehman,
Married for 15 years. I think he loves me, he says . But his actions say otherwise. We both love love our kids and we will do everything for them . But right now I'm just exhausted just waiting what he is going to tell me next, what I'm going find out . We still together and we can have a civil conversation because he acts like nothing is wrong and because I tried to avoid any argument (Preet much I ignored him ) .
HabibUrrehman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jun, 2019 03:28 pm
@Mirih5 ,
I think your main problem is lack of an effective communication system in the family. Family communication problems are often the lead cause for many other problems. Modeling excellent communication techniques is a vital role for parents. Healthy communication patterns include both specific skills and a connection with your partner. This includes staying positive, limiting anger and engaging in active listening. When children see parents argue in a healthy way, discuss their days, and actively seek to support one another verbally and non-verbally, they learn how to behave in their own relationships.

There are many things you can implement in your household to improve family communication system. First you and your husband need to be on the same page and for that you probably should discuss with your husband plans on how you want to spend more time with him to improve and strengthen your relationship. You can go out with your husband for walk after dinner for example, or go once to watch a movie or have a dinner outside with your husband only may be once a week. Listen to your husband and share your problem with him just to strength your bond and improve the communication. As a family, start having meals at least three times weekly to promote healthy communication among all family members. Children whose families engage in this important communication-enhancing ritual are more likely to enjoy the additional benefits of improved academic success and greater psychological well-being.

Finally I am not sure which religious group you belong to, but it seems it is important that you and your husband shall practice your religion. It is an important part of our moral values and when we are far from religion, we start compromising ethical values to satisfy our desires.

This is only my assessment based on our conversation and it may not relate to your situation 100% but you are the best judge of your situation. If you think this advise can give you a hope, then I am happy that I could be of any help. If I miss understood anything, I apologize and will like to know more so I can advise you accordingly.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Thu 20 Jun, 2019 04:16 pm
I hope your husband realizes that lifelong smokers tend to start when they're minors.

Per the Illinois Department of Public Health (http://www.idph.state.il.us/public/hb/hbsmoke.htm):
Quote:
Approximately 90 percent of all smokers start before age 18; the average age for a new smoker is 13.
If your husband is enabling this behavior, he should stop it yesterday.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jun, 2019 04:40 pm
If your daughter is using drugs, you and your husband should be discussing this together.

It’s not clear whether you were aware that she was smoking /pot before?

Or is the buying of the vapor the news to you ?

Family counseling is in order. Your “drastic” reactions and his seemingly apathetic attitude to teen issues are a bad combination.
0 Replies
 
TooFriendly112
 
  0  
Reply Sat 13 Jul, 2019 10:27 am
@Mirih5 ,
Hi

I live near a celebirty. I think they're having troubles and they're son were out cycling one day where he shouldn't have been - in theory - let's say near the mall - security could have shown up, or where social services might trying to help drug addicts. I'm also scared that authorities are monitoring the internet. I don't want someone's identity to be discovered. Is there anything I can do - or will it solve itself. Maybe you guys could help me - next time you meet and conversate.

/TooFriendly112
0 Replies
 
mark noble
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Jul, 2019 08:09 am
@Mirih5 ,
Your offspring regards you as her moral-guide and your husband as her immoral outlet (Not that I class her life-choices as immoral - But, standardised society does) - Therefor You are her 'Jeckyll' ident, Dad is her 'Hyde'.

The degree of 'Variance' between you and your husbands' approach/es is/are refinable by merging those 'outer' extremes and nurturing them inwardly.

'Give and Take' - Less 'strictness' from you=More 'Attunement' from your husband and daughter, both.

WATCH 'Wayne Dyer's The Shift'
Free on youbtube.
Full-Sceen, Lights out, with no impending disturbances or distractions.

If This doesn't FIX your issues - Nothing Will.

namaste

0 Replies
 
 

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