Not as attracted to my wife after she has gained weight.

Take a look at where the growth in the porn industry is. Take a look at who porn is being marketed to.

Women are most definitely visual when it comes to sex. Some women are still a little bit uneasy about admitting it - but the scientific research on arousal is out there.

(We've gone around this particular discussion a coupla times here at A2k, so you might even be able to find the references and links by searching this site.)

Donkeyboy proved that women are visual, even though he never posted a picture of his appendage.

thanks for the clarification. but can you explain what this has to do with our buddy volleytech?

are you giong to tell me that a physically active woman who cares a great deal about her own appearance, marries a guy who she thinks has the same views on self appearance wouldn't get turned off by her overweight husband who sits on the couch all day long? (wow that was a long sentence)

I think the whole 'men are visual' point was a buncha hooey effort to excuse volleytech.

The issues/problems/concerns that both he and his wife have go far beyond "'I'm a man, I'm visual."

BVT and squinney's posts say it.

I wasn't making excuses. I still firmly belive that you don't have a choice over who you find attractive and who you don't. It can not be controlled.

The problem with BVT and squinny's posts are that they seem to think that there is some underlying problem with why he is unattracted to her, and I'm saying there doesn't have to be. Sure there is probably some other stuff going on, and he could be unattracted to her new lazy personality. None of this has anything to do with love! Sure you can love someone for who they are, but you have no control over the fact that you may not be attracted to that same person.

I'm still not convinced that women are as visual as men.

Let me ask you this. When you have sex, do you prefer to have the lights on or off?

Were is the proof of this growth in female marketed porn? I would still bet that 80% or greater of the porn industries market is still men!

And lets clarify something... the porn thats being marketed for women is a whole lot different that it is for men. Women like the story line and the build up before sex. Not necessarily the actual site of two people having sex.

Squinney's post made complete sense to me, was very well worded as to what might be going on with the behavior of both spouses.

so if she's not getting everything she wants out of the relationship she's subconciencly letting her self gain weight to spite him?

Lights on, absolutely - curtains open - outside with the sun shining on all things bright and beautiful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do the research, Hypnotic. It's interesting.

Try reading squinney's post again, hypnotic.

ok i read it again and she's confusing love with attraction, plain and simple!

Nothing about love is plain and simple.

I may be plain but i'm simple.

I may use finger cots for condums but I can come in under two minutes.

I'm a real prize.

It's good you haven't said anything to her about it, cause I suspect she's feeling pretty crummy about herself. And, just by the detail of your post it sounds as if there are some details that you have not disclosed-- Please do not disclose them here, instead, get yourself and your wife to a counselor so you can pursue the root of her weight gain in a neutral safe environment. The point is to get your marriage alive again.

I mean, hell, you're not talking about 10 pounds. Fifty pounds is in the clinically obese category, so there is some need in her that is not being met, and I'm sure she intuits your displeasure.

Ah but you fell into the same trap. Attraction is plain and simple, love is not.

FINALLY! A man who knows what he's talking about!

BRAVO, BVT!!!

{smooches}

Hoo-haw!

We like the build-up because the sexual tension it creates makes it more exciting when we finally DO watch two people having sex! Oh yes, we certainly do want to watch! Nobody's ever accused me of not being visually stimulated! Once I get to the good part, I might have to replay it several times. (Our orgasms are longer than yours, y'know. :wink: )

ehBeth is right. The porn-for-women market is growing very fast these days, and one of the main reasons is because women are no longer afraid to admit we're just as (visually) stimulated by it as men.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've read all day, Dys. You're not plain, and you're certainly not simple in any sense of the word. (That was a compliment, BTW.)

Well, I apologize for the hornet's nest I stirred up and then split, but I come back with an update.

About 6-8 weeks after I made this post, my wife checked out LA Weight
Loss on the recommendation of a friend. She spoke with them and discussed her goals and whatnot. It was going to cost several hundred dollars, so she didn't make the decision right then but came home to discuss it with me that night. She gave me the details and it seemed like a sound program. I told her that we would come up with the money one way or another, so go for it. When she started, she weighed 187 lbs.

Shortly after she started their program, we got a family membership to a nearby fitness center. We started taking the whole family up there a couple times a week and let the kids do rock-climbing while we work out. She adhered to the program like none other. There was simply no "cheating" at all on her diet. Consequently, her results were even better than normal.

Fast forward to today: she weighs 137 and is exercising 3-4 days a week. You can actually see some definition in her abs and her arms, and she is constantly getting complimented at the gym. Naturally, this makes her feel really good. She is fully immersed in the fitness lifestyle and she occasionally makes comments about intending to be fitter in 5-10 years than she is today. She has started a heath/fitness program at our church and people are flocking to it after having seen the transformation in her.

I am so happy for her. Obviously, I'm happy for me too...what guy wouldn't be happy about a hottie on his arm? But I can honestly say that I'm happier for her. It's like she has broken out of the cocoon she had holed up in and is now a beautiful butterfly who is relishing her new wings.

So that's about it. This all came about without me ever having to have that painful talk with her, although in reality I think she knew my feelings without it being necessary.

I'm just a lucky guy. I know for certain that I'm not alone in my plans to be fit and active into the grey years. I no longer feel like I was duped, rather I feel like she just forgot who she was for a time, and has now remembered.

And BVT, you can be happy with Andre the Giant cleaning you up. I'll be happy with my hardbody taking care of me, and if our healthy lifestyle has anything to say about it, then perhaps we won't even be needing that chemo quite as soon...