Tue 17 May, 2005 01:36 pm
I've just stumbled across this forum. It's not like I typically hang out on marriage forums. It seems like most of the posters on this board are women. That being the case, I expect an amount of vitriol in response to this post. So be it. I don't know what else to do. I'll probably schedule a meeting with my pastor to get his opinion on this.
Let me start from the beginning. While I was growing up, my mom was constantly on one yo-yo diet or the other. She hadnt always been heavy. Before she had kids she was a beauty pageant winner. However, after her second child she had gained weight and never again in her life has succeeded in losing it and keeping it off for any length of time. By the time she was 55 she was forced to have both knees replaced because hers were shot from carrying around all those extra pounds for all those years. It saddens me that she can't do things that she would enjoy doing because of her weight and her health. The other angle of all of this is to look at this from my dad's perspective. He is still active, healthy and relatively fit. However, he has given up things that he would like to do because my mom can't do those things. I hate that for him.
So there I was, growing up and watching this. I think watching my mom's struggles with her weight have really shaped my opinions on health and fitness. I am absolutely committed to staying fit, healthy, and active well into my grey years. I am not going to follow the path of my mother. By the same token, I wanted the woman I married to be similarly concerned about her own health and fitness. I did not want to find myself in my dad's shoes...being fit and healthy and not being able to go on that bike ride or that mountain hike with my wife because she wasn't fit enough to go. I don't want to leave my wife behind when I go out and enjoy the world. I want her to be there enjoying it with me.
Consequently, I was very choosy and selective while I was dating. I was 29 years old when I met the woman I would marry, so I was no young pup who hastily rushed into a bad situation. She was one year older than me and recently divorced. She had three beautiful kids, ages 8, 4, and 2. She went to the gym several days a week, and ran several days a week during her lunch hour. She looked great. We started dating and hit it off immediately.
After we had been dating for a while, I shared with her the story of my mom's struggles and how they had shaped my views on health and fitness. I explained that my soulmate would need to be similarly committed, and she agreed with me whole-heartedly. I believed her. The proof was right before my eyes. Surely any woman who could be that fit after three kids is a woman who has made fitness a priority in her life. Right?
15 months after we met, in september 2002, we were married. I adopted her kids because their father was only minimally involved in their lives. No sooner than we had returned from the honeymoon....she stopped going to the gym. She stopped running. She stopped exercising altogether. For the first 1.5 years of our marriage, I don't know that she did a single lick of exercise of any kind. The longer this went on, the more I began to question it in my mind. "Where is her commitment to her health and fitness that I had seen before we were married?" I no longer saw any sign of it.
Now we've been married almost three years, and my wife has gained 40-50 pounds in the past year alone. Her attempts at exercise have been haphazard and halfhearted. Her diet is oftentimes nothing but junk, even though she has healthier alternatives in the house to eat. I have not initiated even a single conversation with her about her weight, her diet, or her lack of exercise. In other words, I'm not pressuring her. I have, however, tried to be as supportive as I could whenever she has attempted to make an effort on her own.
The simple truth of it is that I am no longer physically attracted to my wife the way I was before. As a result, our sex life is going straight down the tubes. I have never been attracted to heavier women. I don't know how to make myself be attracted when I am not. Let me make it very clear that I love my wife dearly. I am committed to my wife 100%.
However, I think that love and sexual attraction are two completely different things. My love for her is not diminishing. However, my attraction to her seems to be melting away with every pound she gains. I don't know how to combat this within myself.
The other day we were arguing about other things, and she said "I don't even feel like you find me attractive anymore!" I didn't know what to say. I skirted the issue and kept my comments to the other things we were arguing about. What else could I say? "Yes, honey, you're right. I don't find you attractive anymore." I can't imagine the kind of hurt that would deal her. The last thing I want is to hurt her feelings.
I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I am harboring some feelings of resentment towards her. "Did she lie to me when we had that conversation about my mom? Was she just telling me what I wanted to hear?" I sometimes feel like I was duped. She did the hard work it took to get her man, but as soon as she had him, she stopped doing the hard work. Is that true? I don't know. I don't know that it's even relevant.
I guess that's all of it. I realize that nothing I could say or do will make her put priority on her health and fitness if she doesn't want to do it for herself. I realize that she may be overweight for the rest of her life. I realize that I made a commitment to her, and I intend to ride it out. I realize that the change may need to occur in me, not in her. If I could find a way to change my feelings and perceptions, then all of this would no longer be an issue, but I don't know how to do that.
Thanks in advance to anyone who might offer a bit of advice.
I know at least one guy who divorced his wife for this very reason. There's lots more out there like him. You were very open up front about the matter, so why be so hard on yourself?
Tell her, lose weight or no sex. If she says take a hike, then lace up your boots.
Re: Not as attracted to my wife after she has gained weight.
I was all ready to beat you to a pulp man after reading the title of this thread but then I read the entire post. However this was the most meaningful sentence I found:
volleytech wrote:I have not initiated even a single conversation with her about her weight, her diet, or her lack of exercise.
The how the hell is she supposed to know you have a problem or an issue? Like men, women are not mindreaders of the other sex. She probably has no idea of all the things you just said above. How could she when it appears you are letting it all fester internally (like women usually do). Tell her man, but try and tell her as nicely as possible. If you can't be honest with your life partner about something that makes you so unhappy then there is something more lacking. If she is furious with you, shrieks and rages and cries that you are a selfish guy .... isn't that a start to the communication? I would rather my guy tell me why he doesn't want to sleep with me than to keep quiet and have me wonder. At least the hurt feelings can be worked on, or it may be the wakeup call she was waiting for. Sometimes it hurts to tell the truth. If she is however, happy with her weight and refuses to please you and lose it to become more attractive and healthier, you two also need to communicate about this too. Remember not one of us is perfection. A real life look in the mirror can be a reminder that we are not the stud-muffin we would like to think we are, and be less critical of the imperfections of others.
Hi volleytech,
It sounds like you're trying to do everything right. It's definitely in your favor that you were explicit with your wife before you got married. I agree that it seems like there was an element of just doing what she needed to do to get married.
I think you really need to talk to her. There probably won't be an easy way to do it, and so you have to consider whether you are willing to risk your marriage over it. I understand that you feel that your marriage is at risk as things are.
One thing is that this can be self-perpetuating -- many women who are not fit feel self-conscious about going into a gym environment. Curves is one chain that specifically addresses that.
Perhaps you can bring it up in terms of whether there is anything you can do to help her get back in the swing of things, fitness-wise. Say that you know she really enjoyed working out, is there anything specific holding her back? Finances? Time? Be ready to offer to fill in that breach -- watch the kids or pay for a gym membership. That is one way to broach the subject in a proactive way, but she is likely to see why you are bringing it up, and react strongly. So you have to be prepared for that.
Again, I think the fact that you discussed this explicitly before marriage is very much in your favor with this whole thing. I think you can make it about how you are willing to support her, and how you know how much she enjoyed being fit, but at the core you are saying something very stark that she won't enjoy hearing. That'll be ugly.
Good luck.
being someone who is "thick" as i like to put it and female, the only thing that has motivated me since college (i was a swimmer growing up and through college so i was in shape until i graduated college) was when i found out my health was in question. my blood pressure was raised and my circulation was getting poorer by the pound. so every time i don't want to go to the gym or i am tempted by that pint of ice cream, i think of my husband and what he would do i had some massive heart attack and died, which was possible. so, are you more concerned about her health, or are you more concerned that you aren't attracted to her? while both are probably in your mind, one must outweigh the other.
if you are more concerned that you aren't attracted to her, you may want to consider the two of you seeing someone. you do seem to be harboring some resentment toward her since you say that you feel duped.
however, if you are genuinely concerned about losing her, you may want to encourage her to get a physical because her health may be in danger. i honestly didn't think mine was until i was checked and found out my blood pressure was raised. now that i have lost about 10 pounds, the change in my bp is amazing. while i still have about 30 to go, my husband's support has been amazing. he shoves me out of the bed in the am to go running (which he hates but does to help me) and he meets me at the gym after work. he also has changed his entire diet to help me lose weight. if this is the case in your mind, it may bring you much closer.
it also doesn't help to skirt the issue. she hit the nail on the head when she said she felt like you weren't attracted to you didn't she? skirting the issue just makes it worse and may bring her to resent you (although with women in this case, most often you are damned if you do and damned if you don't). i hope that my comments have helped somewhat at least! good luck.
While I think that it's harsh to divorce someone based on their weight, if you no longer love them in a passionate, sexual way, then there isn't a point to the marriage anymore anyway. I told my husband that if I ever get heavy (and my heavy I mean 50 or more pound overweight) that he is to tell me flat out to wake up and take a good look in the mirror. There must be something behind this other. A woman who loves to work out doesn't just stop one day. Depression? I don't know. Fatigue? Do you help around the house? If you are in a loving mature relationship I think you can and should sit down with her and tell her how you feel. She will be hurt. She will be angry. And she probably will cry. But she will be far more upset when you serve her divorce papers because you can't spend your life being unhappy. You need to be honest and strightforward but don't tell her she's fat and disgusting. Maybe open with the question "WHY?" she's stopped excercising. Tell her you'd be more than willing to help her get back on track. You'' take the kids while she works out for an hour three times a week and that can be just her time alone. Offer to make dinner more often so you can cook healthy alternatives so she has no choice but to eat good food.
I think that a lot of it has to do with her health, not just her appearance. It sounds like you are also worried about her in later years. Tell her this. Good Luck.
dragon49 wrote:
if you are more concerned that you aren't attracted to her, you may want to consider the two of you seeing someone. you do seem to be harboring some resentment toward her since you say that you feel duped.
I don't think they need to see anyone. He was physically attracted to her when she was thin. She looks NOTHING like the person she was before...why should you assume he is still attracted to her? He LOVES her. Appearance doesn't change that. But sexual attraction is physical.
i agree that sexual attraction is completely physical but i guess what i read was that he watched his mother struggle with weight later on in life and was somehow relating that now to his wife. it could be inconsequential, i just was feeling after reading it that the feelings were more than just him not being attracted to her. i actually didn't mean for it to sound as though i was blasting him, i applaud his efforts for trying to make things right again and his commitment to his marriage. i just got the feeling that it was more than just the weight, maybe i was wrong. i definitely wish you luck volleytech!
Hello volleytech, Welcome to A2K. You've received some great advice and I don't want to repeat what others have already said so I'm going to take a different tack.
Why was it ok with you when your wife stopped going to the gym or working out in any way after you returned from your honeymoon? I'm assuming it was ok then because it seems you didn't think it necessary to make an issue of it. By not discussing things with her from the beginning you've shown her that whether she stays in shape or not was not very important to you after all. To her, the "mother's physical condition" talk might have come across as less serious than you intended or, as you said, she might have been on the prowl and would have agreed with you no matter what. But here you are, two years later, and you *still* haven't said anything to her about how you feel.
It's too late to turn the clock back and remind her how you need her to take better care of herself and why, but it's not too late to tell her how you feel *now*. It's probably going to be a difficult conversation for both of you, but she's already given you an opening. You should take it and see where things go.
Good luck and keep us posted.
40-50 pounds is a lot of weight to gain! sure, all of us want a
bit of leeway from our spouses to not have to look like a model to still be attractive, but there's a line where it's just letting yourself go too much. I really think it's best for your wife if you gently and lovingly say that you'd like her to be able to keep up with the activities you want her to be able to do together. And i understand the part about remembering how your mom was. My dad always had a belly, and that just seems like a dad thing now, so when my boyfriend put on weight and got a tummy, i went ahead and mentioned that it was hard for me to feel quite as attracted to him...i also let him know that, as a young guy, he's used to being able to eat a ton and not gain weight, but if he lets it go now, it'll get harder to get back in shape later if he starts regretting it, because i thought he probably really hadn't considered that, and he hadn't. He dealt with it just fine-- altough hasn't done
too much about it yet
-- but i think that relationships have to be able to survive that much honesty. Give her a chance to work on this-- she
wants to be attractive to you.
You're in a tough spot. Sounds like you truely care for her which is going to make it difficult to be open about something that is going to hurt her. I too have lost some of the physical attraction to my wife. But I think it goes deeper than physical appearances. I think it is the 'lazy' mentality that might also be an issue. You fell in love with an active person, and that person has changed. There is going to be resentment there when someone just doesn't care about their health and the other does.
And I don't agree that you should have to be honest with her and tell her that you've lost attraction to her because of her weight. Then any effort she puts in will not be geniune and will likely cause resentment right back at you. You will end up being the superficial jerk no matter what happens.
Good luck.
there's always porn.
just kidding. I just got done reading that thread...
well dude, the world is full of hard body girls to have sex with and it's not a problem. However, when your time comes one day and you're sick and on chemo and you need someone to hold your head while you vomit and clean you up when you **** yourself you won't give a damn if she looks like Andre the Giant. And that's love. Think about it.
Not being harsh, just keeping it real, as the youngsters say.
Volleytech, I would respond with some helpful advice, and I think I have the perfect answer that would make all your troubles disappear, but that first post you put up was waaaaaay too fat for me.
Good day, Chunkypost.
blueveinedthrobber wrote:well dude, the world is full of hard body girls to have sex with and it's not a problem. However, when your time comes one day and you're sick and on chemo and you need someone to hold your head while you vomit and clean you up when you **** yourself you won't give a damn if she looks like Andre the Giant. And that's love. Think about it.
Not being harsh, just keeping it real, as the youngsters say.
Ya but after she cleans up his ****, he's still not going to sleep with Andre the Giant.
edit - are you implying that he should have an affair with one of those hard bodies?
BVT must be feeling a little sentimental today....awwww....
There's more to this than being posted.
Make sure she is getting the other attention she needs. I'm suspecting she isn't.
I'd be pretty PO'd if my husband stopped having sex with me due to my weight, or made my weight a condition of his acceptance of my closeness, or in any other way made it clear to me that his love was conditional on what I did with my own body. No friggin wonder she's gained weight. Who wants to live with a mate who puts more emphasis on the outside than the inside? What if she wanted to dye her hair or get a tattoo and he objected to that for health reasons? Would you all agree with him then?
What's all this about hurting her feelings and why hasn't he brought it up before now? SHE KNOWS!!! SHE said so when they were arguing the other day. He lied to her (skirted the issue) and she KNOWS that too.
Her weight gain likely comes from feeling she isn't acceptable in other ways. Lack of physical fitness has probably become a test of sorts as to whether or not he loves her for who she is or for her physical attractiveness. This is NOT likely conscience. She probably doesn't understand why she's doing it.
I suggest (highly) a few sessions with a therapist or counselor (not pastor) so she can discuss her feelings and figure out for herself why she is gaining weight and letting herself go physically. Poor thing needs some self esteem.
Perhaps a good love making session where in undying love for her is expressed clearly and without condition would do the trick.
(Though it may take more than one session.)
squinney wrote:There's more to this than being posted.
Make sure she is getting the other attention she needs. I'm suspecting she isn't.
I'd be pretty PO'd if my husband stopped having sex with me due to my weight, or made my weight a condition of his acceptance of my closeness, or in any other way made it clear to me that his love was conditional on what I did with my own body. No friggin wonder she's gained weight. Who wants to live with a mate who puts more emphasis on the outside than the inside? What if she wanted to dye her hair or get a tattoo and he objected to that for health reasons? Would you all agree with him then?
What's all this about hurting her feelings and why hasn't he brought it up before now? SHE KNOWS!!! SHE said so when they were arguing the other day. He lied to her (skirted the issue) and she KNOWS that too.
Her weight gain likely comes from feeling she isn't acceptable in other ways. Lack of physical fitness has probably become a test of sorts as to whether or not he loves her for who she is or for her physical attractiveness. This is NOT likely conscience. She probably doesn't understand why she's doing it.
I suggest (highly) a few sessions with a therapist or counselor (not pastor) so she can discuss her feelings and figure out for herself why she is gaining weight and letting herself go physically. Poor thing needs some self esteem.
Perhaps a good love making session where in undying love for her is expressed clearly and without condition would do the trick.
(Though it may take more than one session.)
Men are stimulated more through visuals than women. Which is why more men watch porn than women. We get eroused by beautiful things, which is the way 'God' intended it. There are basic instincts here that are taking place. He didn't stop having sex with his wife, but it probably doesn't get initiated as much by him because of the loss of attraction. Is it his fault that human nature is having an affect on his sex drive? The problem is that America in general is getting lazy and fat. Both men and women. It's not attractive! Whos fault is it?
If you let yourself become unattractive, there are consequenses, and it has nothing to do with love!!!!!!! He will still clean up her vomit or **** when she's on chemo
because he loves her, but that has nothing to do with his attraction to her!
Ready for a little action honey?
Hypnotic wrote:Men are stimulated more through visuals than women. Which is why more men watch porn than women. We get eroused by beautiful things, which is the way 'God' intended it.
This is a heapin' helpin' of crap. Not even a good attempt at an excuse.
Hypnotic, do some research into the porn industry. It isn't 1976 anymore.
ehBeth wrote:Hypnotic wrote:Men are stimulated more through visuals than women. Which is why more men watch porn than women. We get eroused by beautiful things, which is the way 'God' intended it.
This is a heapin' helpin' of crap. Not even a good attempt at an excuse.
Hypnotic, do some research into the porn industry. It isn't 1976 anymore.
please explain. are you saying men aren't visual? are you saying women are just as visual? i don't understand what you are debating and what im supposed to research.
thanks
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