Asking a father for his daughter's hand in marriage

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Sounds quaint, no?

But I'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen this evening.

Last night I was talking to the Daughter on the phone. She's 22,
a senior in college, and living in Cambridge (MA). And in a very
serious relationship. "Fred would like to talk with you." OK, fine.
She put him on and Fred asked whether we could get together for
coffee. Wo.

So we will meet at five this evening. I'm honored that he would
want to do this. I hope the whole thing isn't too awkward. I have to
admit I did not ask my own father-in-law to be. (Of course, he didn't
speak English and I didn't speak Chinese, so it would have been a
strange conversation anyway.)

Have you any experience with this?

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Awwwww....

My husband did it. He just felt it ought to be done (plus I think he kind of enjoyed the idea of thoroughly discombobulating my dad, which he did.)

What do you think about the possibility of an engagement at 22, though?

Holy crap, I just remembered I was only 23. Shocked

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George, I'd play some mind games with him. Tell him you expect a dozen goats and a few chickens as well as season tickets for the Patriots games.

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If you feel uncomfortable meeting this kid alone, call me. I'll stop over.

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sozobe wrote:

Awwwww....

My husband did it. He just felt it ought to be done (plus I think he kind of enjoyed the idea of thoroughly discombobulating my dad, which he did.)

What do you think about the possibility of an engagement at 22, though?

Holy crap, I just remembered I was only 23.

I'm more worried about his discombobulation. He volunteered to come
out here to the burbs, but I moved the location to Cambridge to (I hope)
put him at ease.

Yeah, 22 is young, but the Daughter is remarkably mature.
(As I'm sure you were at 23.)

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gustavratzenhofer wrote:

If you feel uncomfortable meeting this kid alone, call me. I'll stop over.

Thanks, Gus. I was too shy to ask.

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I got the same sort of thing about a week before Christmas. The daughter (who is 20) called and said "XXXX wants to talk to you. When is a good time?". When I hung up I started asking myself "Why would XXXX want to talk to me??" and then it was a bit of "Oh sh*t!". lol

Sure enough he called the next night and asked me if he could marry her. (They're both at college half-way across the country so an in-person meeting wasn't really practical)

He proposed to her Xmas morning. Then she broke it off a week later! Razz

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Children!

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fishin' wrote:

...and then it was a bit of "Oh sh*t!". lol..

Yeah, as much as I like Fred -- and I do -- there is still an "Oh sh*t!" factor.

Had you met this guy at all?

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Noddy24 wrote:

Children!

Not yet.

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Hee hee!

I'm glad you like Fred. (I know a Fred in Cambridge so now I'm doing "could it be??" calculations. He's not several years older than her, is he?)

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George, if they're planning a long engagement, and the wedding isn't until they're both out of school and somewhat established and ready to face the dragon, then, hell, that shouldn't bother you. That would be plenty of time for your daughter to determined if this is indeed the guy. And if he isn't, you and fishin' will have some stuff to talk about.

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Don't me messin' with Noddy's head, George.

She's gonna get pissed.

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George I think the fact that he has the grace to do such a traditional thing shows he is a great guy for your daughter.
He clearly wants to do things properly.

Hope its not too awkward for either of you.

Keep us posted.

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My, um, first fiance asked my parents. I was pretty pissed about it. (I was 20, he was 22.) The folks said yes and so did I, but the engagement was doomed. Lasted about four months.

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George wrote:

fishin' wrote:
...and then it was a bit of "Oh sh*t!". lol..

Yeah, as much as I like Fred -- and I do -- there is still an "Oh sh*t!" factor.

Had you met this guy at all?

Oh yeah. Last summer I went down there and he was around pretty much the entire week. I don't know tons about him though.

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Do any of you think that's it's an outdated practice and really it's no business of the parents to be "giving permission" in respect of their adult daughters?

It's a one-way street which smacks of the sexist notion that a woman cannot make her own decisions without permission from her "protectors".

Maybe you just think it's quaint and (if I wanted to marry a woman who would really want me to do this) I might ask her parents (certainly not just father) or, more to the point, express my intention and listen to their comment.

Any views? It's an interesting one, I think.

KP

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I was wondering what mac thought about that, too. Did he just ask without talking to you about it first?

I think E.G. asked my dad after he'd asked me, and then it was not especially meaningful -- if my dad said "No, you can't marry her", E.G. would have said "Oh? Too bad, I'm gonna."

Also he asked me first if he should ask my dad, which is the impression I get from George's daughter, too -- it's not like Fred called directly.

So it didn't actually have most of the traditional baggage, we just thought it was a cool thing to do. The overriding result was my very UNtraditional dad sputtering and trying to figure out what he was supposed to say/ do. :-D

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kitchenpete wrote:

Do any of you think that's it's an outdated practice and really it's no business of the parents to be "giving permission" in respect of their adult daughters?

It's a one-way street which smacks of the sexist notion that a woman cannot make her own decisions without permission from her "protectors".

It's an interesting thought but I don't know of any cases where it's happened that the girl in question wasn't involved in the process so it's not like it's done and she is oblivious to it.

It just seems to me that if the girl is calling their parent to tell them that the guy wants to talk to them then she has already decided what her answer is going to be anyway. If she knows she's going to say "No" then I'd assume most would be smart enough to tell the b/f not to bother making the call to begin with.

If that's the case then what have I really given my permission to?

In my case, since she setup the call I didn't really even consider saying no. It was her decision to make.

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sozobe wrote:

Hee hee!

I'm glad you like Fred. (I know a Fred in Cambridge so now I'm doing "could it be??" calculations. He's not several years older than her, is he?)

That would be wild.
Fred is several years older, just completed his doctorate in chemistry,
and hails from NooYawk.

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Asking a father for his daughter's hand in marriage

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