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Sat 30 Apr, 2005 12:43 pm
My best friend and I attended an event at the college last evening. We left my house at 7:30 p.m. I arrived home at 10:30 p.m.
During that three-hour window of time, my man had completely rearranged the living room.
We talked about rearranging the living room earlier last week and I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do . . . but I definitely wanted to put my personal touch on the room. I nixed one of his ideas and told him what I wanted to do instead . . . .
BUT . . . he rearranged the living room while I was gone. He did exactly what I told him I didn't want. And I was shocked when I got home . . . and he was already in bed sleeping.
It's not that the living room looks bad . . . it looks fine. But he went ahead and did it without me, the room totally lacks my input or my personal touch. I just think it was disrespectful for my man to leap upon an opportunity when I was going to be gone to do what he wanted to do without my input. Isn't this my "home" too?
He did a similar thing last summer. Without listening to my input or seeking my assistance, he went out early one Sunday morning when I was sleeping in and he planted our garden. LOL He didn't plant the things that I WANTED to plant and then he couldn't understand why I had no interest in the garden!
How do I deal with my "take charge" man without hurting his feelings?
you go ahead and rearrange it your way. don't worry about his feelings. he obviously has none. by the way, i am a man. can you tell from the picture?
Mrs. Throbber does that crap all the time. I hate it.
Mrs. Throbber does that crap all the time. I hate it.
I heard you the first time.
Mrs. Throbber does this crap all the time. I hate it.
Actually Debra, I can sympathize. Mr. B bought our house while I was out of town! I had spent a total of 5 minutes in the house only to learn, over the phone mind you, that I now owned it.
I got even at the paint department of Home Depot.
I'm with profhig - go ahead and do your own thing.
Debra
I would sit him down and say "honey, I love you very much and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it hurts my feelings when you don't include me in things that you know I want to be included in".
Tell him that you know he means well, but you need to know that he cares enough to include you in things that involve you.
Okay,Boomer! Did YOU have to chime in, too?
I have an excuse. It's in my genes. My Great Grandmothers (both sides) were known for knocking down walls, re-building walls where they wanted them, and rearranging all sorts of things. My great grandfathers were very accomodating. Back then it was the womans domain.
He may have gone ahead and done it so you could see what he was talking about and then change it if you didn't like it.
How about asking him why he did it? Tell him what you like and don't like. then ask him to help you move stuff around the way you had suggested to show what you had in mind. Then compromise.
Just an idea.
Squinney
That sounds like a good idea.
I'm not Helen Keller. Stop punishing me like that.
Debra--
Maddening. You have my sympathy.
Are your husbands energies underemployed?
Far out guys! He just rearranged the living room! Hes a male (no offence guys). They generally do things not to hurt your feelings but just without thinking about them properly. Im sure he thought he would be helping you by doing it. Or maybe he just felt like it. If you really think its that big a deal and dont like how it is. Just tell him "We spoke about how i wanted the living room to be the other day, yet you changed it to how i wanted. Do you have a problem with me changing it to how we discussed as i think that would work better". Id be thanking god that your biggest relationship problem is the fact that your husband rearranged a room!
This is a sensitive subject to me, as I am very design oriented, and was long before I studied design. In my marriage, knowing myself and my interest in controlling my space, and he, knowing himself and his need for general control - we had a constant back and forth conversation on stuff like this so that the spaces were fine with both of us. We did it as an instinctive self defence, I think, re needing harmony. Space around you matters, at least to some.
So - when we remodeled, I did the base sheet, and some beginning overlays of what could happen, and he said, well I like that but not that, and why don't we do this...
time consuming, but really worth it.
First, you should appreciate the fact that he actually did something. Lots of guys sit on the couch and do nothing. He could have done other things while you were out that you would be even more upset about. You did mention that you kind of liked it!
My wife is forever changing furniture when I insist that it is fine the way it is, or I may have a different idea. I didn't know that there were so many ways to change a room :-)
On occasion, she has changed a room that I didn't want changed. Guess what, I actually liked it and it would never have happened if I had been there at the time.
It sounds like you both have strong personalities and one of you will not like a change no matter how the change turns out or who initiates it.
Discuss future changes and do them together with a little bit of you and a little bit of him in the equation. Good luck. :-D
And the living room arraingement matters, how?
Is your house in the same state as when you left it? Did you find it on the street where you are accustomed to see it? If you answered those questions in the affirmative--all is well.
kittygirl wrote: Id be thanking god that your biggest relationship problem is the fact that your husband rearranged a room!
Oh yes. I feel guilty for feeling hurt over this seemingly insignificant matter because I have a wonderful man.
Nevertheless, my feelings are still hurt. It's not seemingly insignificant when something makes you feel insignificant . . . if that makes any sense.
I think it's great that he cared enough to do this while you were out, not wanting to disturb you with the details.
When I was married I used to change rooms around all of the time ... my husband always liked it, but I don't recall him feeling insulted or left out by my move.
Debra
Perhaps you could wait till he goes out for a bit ... then re-arrange the lounge room in a totally new & exciting way? :wink:
Sorry, that's not much help, is it?
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