Am I truly heterosexual?

I've posted recently but after working through some issues, I've realized that I was more focused on "gender roles" and not on attraction and/or sexual attraction to women. I'm confused because, at present, I'm not feeling much of anything, except contempt toward men and myself for failing. For many years, I've tried to conform to heterosexual womanhood and have failed. I have always been and am still very scared to have sexual relations with men. I thought that it was due to being molested as a girl but now I'm rethinking it. As a kid, I had very close relations with other girls and had talked with these girls about the possibility of being gay. I only acted on it once when I was drunk and then felt uncomfortable about it. However, all my childhood girlfriend are now either gay, bi, or have committed suicide. I'm not sure where I stand. I am scared and can't continue to beat my head against a rock. I really really would like to explore the path of my childhood girl-love but am not sure if this is just because I want to give up on men or if I am truly homosexual and have conformed for all these years to the "cultural norm" of heterosexuality. Like I stated before, at present I am not feeling much of anything sexually toward women or men. I want to be excited again about who I am but am not sure who that is and am hoping for some advice.