Am I bi/lesbian/asexual? Do I have feelings for my guy friend?

For years, I’ve struggled with my sexual orientation. For a long time I took so long to accept I’m bisexual. The thing is when I see someone I don’t feel sexual attraction as far as I don’t want sex. I might feel arousal if I see someone attractive. I’ve kissed guys and felt arousal down there. One guy who is a friend of mine, I’ve kissed him and felt arousal. When he's held my hand I’ve felt arousal. But I’ve been told it’s only from stimulation. Past crushes have been on men snd women. I want to try pursuing a queer relationship but I am anxious. But now I feel like I never really liked men cause it’s fake. I just mean......the fake part......my crushes on men and women.....and like feeling like my crushes on men were fake because lesbians can have crushes on men before they come out. I mean when i have had sex with a guy its not alot....i lost my virginity this year. I didn't feel anything down there and my head wasnt feeling turned on. its like i dont have this urge to have sex with them. But also i have only had one experience with a woman and it was making out and idk if it was she was a bad kisser or what but i t felt awkward and i didnt really enjoy it. I know it happens but like i am scared and kinda sad idk that my liking of guys has gone away......and that I am a lesbian. Idk if it is or not maybe??? But like what sucks is.....i had a really big crush on a guy coworker.....like really strong. I think part of it was how he treated me and how because im autistic he didnt see me as stupid. But i learned later on he never rally cared about me. I also am trying to figure out if i like my guy friend. Ive never really been a sexual person. in general. He and I have kissed and a few times ive felt arousal. But thats just because your lips are an erogenous zone so it doesnt count. He held my hand the first time and maybe out of surprise idk but my heart skipped a beat and one time when he held my hand i got aroused. But i cant be with him because of my questioning. I feel like ill always have this nagging in the back of my head wondering if i am gay or what itd be like to date a woman. I am scared to start a queer relationship to see how i feel.....but like i tell my guy friend that if he finds a new partner......to love them fiercely and it makes me tear up. Its like.....if i date women and realize its not for me and he is gone.....or with some one ill never get to be with him.
I just am scared to be with him but always have that thought in my head if I’m gay or what it’d be like to me with a woman? In my mind. If I’m with him I want to have my whole heart. I’ve had no interest as far as I can tell to date other men.
As stupid as it sounds..I feel like I don’t have feelings for him but I look at a pic of him and sometimes I cry. But of course idk if the crying means I just care about him as a friend or if it means more.And what’s so aggravating that took me so long to accept that I was bi like I was in denial for years and then when I finally accepted it, I felt good about it but then all of a sudden because I’ve been intimate with a man and I didn’t feel anything it’s like well where my crushes and my feelings for men a lie?

What sucks is….if I have feelings for him I want to understand that myself and not have the influence of others and him or my parents saying Hes the only one who will care about me. But I am scared to start dating women in knowing he will move on. I’m not scared to date them because I might be gay I mean I don’t care what others think. I’ve known him for almost 20 years.
At the end of the day, my whole life, I wanted to find my person that I would fall in love with, and I would fall in love with them for them as a person, not based on a man or a woman. My friend has been the only person I’ve been trying to understand my feelings for And I really hate the fact that I finally accept that I’m bi and it all just comes crashing down after feeling like my men or my attraction to men has been fake or my crushes on men have been fake. They never were like I didn’t have society tell me oh you have to be with a man or you’ll go to hell like I’ve never had that Like the guys that I’ve liked for real and I just really hate the fact that like I finally accepted that I’m bi snd its going away.

My guy friend is my first time with sex and I will never regret it.

See what really sucks is that I can remember my crush being a boy in kindergarten/preschool and throughout my life I had crushes on some of my guy, friends and guy classmates, and none of that was forced on me and yeah, part of it has been when I’ve been intimate with this guy But also I guess part of it has been learning that lesbians had crushes on men before they realize that they were not into men, and I don’t know if that’s where it all spiral too. In the end, if I realize that I have feelings for him, I wanted to come from me and my own heart and not from what my parents want for me. My therapist believes that I do like him and that I care about him which the caring part is getting a little easier to realize it’s just the liking of him.

I feel so angry that I can’t love him. I’ve screamed at myself at why I don’t love him. I’ve cried. He has been the only person in my life this far who has treated with upmost respect snd love. He loves me for me. Why can’t I feel that way for him and feel so settled in finding a gf or wife? We were separated for 15 years and reunited last year this month.

In the end I want him to be so happy. I want him to find that person who loves him so much. I am tearing up as i write t his. And i know he is fully capable of loving them so fiercely. Ive experienced it with him being my friend.