Dating someone with Borderline, as someone with RSD from ADHD

I (30) am dating a woman (28) with borderline personality disorder. We have been together for about 9 months. Recently she forgot to take her medication after talking on the phone with a friend until 1:30 in the morning. I invited her to brunch with other friends the next day, and I could tell that something was off. She had difficulty conveying tone, and I thought she had snapped at me when she was trying to make a joke. She explained that she was lacking sleep and was unmedicated, so she was struggling to "mask".

When we arrived at my friend's place, I asked her if she was okay. She said she wasn't, but that she thinks being around other people will help. She said that since my friend's place was such a short walk from her own place, that she could leave early on her own if she needed to.

Her mood immediately shifted when she saw the food that my friend had cooked. Half of it included things she was allergic to, and the other half wasn't appetizing to her. I had tried my best to mitigate this ahead of time by sharing my girlfriend's allergies with my friend, and sharing the menu with my girlfriend. My friend tried to kindly offer alternatives from what was available at the house, then my girlfriend snapped at her and said, "It's fine. I just won't eat."

I tried offering to get her coffee or one of the allergy-friendly desserts, and she declined. During the entire brunch, she didn't say a word to anyone. We've had conversations before about how I struggle to read social cues, so I rely on direct communication if she needs something. Because she had said she would leave if she needed to, I didn't think to check in on her. I just focused on enjoying my food and the company of my friends. Whenever I tried looking her way or reaching a hand out to her, she ignored me. I could tell that she wasn't having a good time, but trusted her to take care of herself if she needed anything.

When we got in the car, I asked her where she would like to go, since we had planned to hang out after. She said she didn't know. Then she began to cry. We drove back to her place and sat in my car so she could calm down. I gave her space to vent about what was going on with her, and did my best to ask questions and listen instead of offer advice. She talked about how unhappy and trapped she feels. With her job, with her life. She knows that she needs to make changes to be happy, but she doesn't know what decisions she needs to make to accomplish that. I asked her to list things that do make her happy. She said her side career, and her cat. Because she didn't mention our relationship, I began to feel insecure.

I struggle with rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is common in women with ADHD. We have had many conversations about how to cope with our struggles with emotional outbursts, how to find common ground, when to step away, the importance of trusting each other and recognizing when our minds our attacking ourselves versus when we're hurting each other. Sometimes, it's something that we can connect on. Other times, it causes conflict and difficulty voicing boundaries. What matters to me is that we talk it out, and that we try.

In that moment, my RSD acted up, and I asked her directly if we're okay. She said, "No", then, "I don't know." She said that her therapist thinks that we should break up, that our needs are incompatible, and that she defends her relationship with me almost every therapy session. That she's afraid that she asks too much of me, that she's hurting me by expecting me to change too much to satisfy her needs.

I told her that I don't feel that way. That I am a complete person with hobbies and friendships outside of her that I feel fulfilled by, and that I have sacrificed none of that to be with her. That I am my authentic self with her and have not changed myself for her sake. She asked me if I am satisfied with our relationship, and I said that we have things that we need to work on, but what matters to me is that we are willing to talk things out and work on it together, and because of that I am satisfied.

She said that she isn't satisfied, that she wants to be with someone who can "read" her, who knows all of her tics and nonverbal cues, who "understands" and "sees" her. She said that she was miserable at the brunch, and she blamed me for it. Because I didn't "read" that she was upset and know from intuition to leave early. That I didn't check in on her enough, that I didn't care. She even blamed me for her getting a sunburn at the brunch.

At this point, I got angry. She told me to be honest about how I was feeling, and I snapped. I said that it was passive aggressive of her to expect me to read her mind to avoid accountability for her own lack of communication. That even if she did break up with me, it's unrealistic to expect mindreading out of any relationship with anyone. That I can't stop her from breaking up with me if she doesn't want to be with me anymore, but if her fear is hurting me, the only thing she could do to hurt me is give up and not try. That telling me she'd be "sparing" me pain by breaking up with me shuts down my side of things.

She got upset and unbuckled her seatbelt and made a motion for the door. I asked her if she wanted to leave. She said she didn't want to leave me or give up. I said that I was too angry to continue the conversation and that I needed space. She left the car, and I went home.

I spent the day battling my RSD, because this felt like my nightmare scenario. That my partner is secretly miserable with me and hasn't been telling me, that even her therapist thinks that being with me is a lost cause. That after all she'd said about how my honesty and direct communication was a breath of fresh air that she loved me for, it turns out that she'd rather have someone who tries to mindread and placate so she doesn't have to put in the work to determine her own wants and voice them.

Still angry, I texted her saying that I wasn't going to chase after her or beg. She either wants to be with me or she doesn't, and she can take her time to figure it out.

After my anger had subsided, I texted again apologizing for texting her out of anger. That I want to talk things out when she's ready, and I'm really just scared of losing her.

Something worth noting is that I have been sober for three, almost four years. My biggest trigger for relapse is grief, whether from death or break ups. I felt slammed with immense emotional pain from the prospect of being broken up with, given up on, losing her. I started to panic about how she'd been reconnecting with an ex, texting them constantly, texting them while holding me. Fixating on details like how she had told me to hang up the other night so she could focus on her project, then the day after, she stayed up until 1:30 in the morning on the phone with her ex to work on that same project.

Logically, I knew to think nothing of it. That the feelings between them were gone, and the reason they communicate constantly is only because of a shared passion for her side career. That it was just about her project and developing a friendship, nothing more.

My urge to drink emerged fiercely in reaction to the emotional pain, so I entered emergency mode. I made plans to keep myself safe for the rest of the week. My own side career involves being present at bars, so I made plans to have a friend to keep me accountable with me at those events. I called a friend to come to my house so I wouldn't be alone. We got dinner, and I ordered hot soup and tea to ease the urge. I vented to my friend about the situation. I calmed down.

My girlfriend texted me saying that she wants to stay together, that all she wants is to not hurt me, keep me at her side, work on her mental health, and figure out what she wants out of her life.

When I texted back, I was still in emergency mode - all I thought was to reassure that I loved her, be honest about what was going on with me, but reassure that I was safe and it wasn't her fault. I told her those things, and that I wanted to talk more later after I was finished with dinner.

She texted back saying she wished we could forget anything was said and move on. I told her that I couldn't do that, and I got upset again. I told her that if she wants this relationship to work, we can't sweep difficult conversations under the rug. That it's fine if she still needs time to process, but we still need to talk things out.

She then accused me of being passive aggressive and trying to manipulate her, and I was completely thrown off guard. She said that she doesn't know how to be honest with me when she's worried that it'll just cause an emotional reaction from me. I felt frozen, like I would be villainized for anything I said in response to that. That expressing any kind of emotion or honesty would make me a manipulator, or emotionally volatile.

She said that she had sent screen captures of my texts to a friend to help organize her thoughts, and the friend said I was manipulative for mentioning my urge to drink, that it "felt off" like I was just trying to make her feel bad. I explained that I had no intention of making her feel any particular way about it, that it was simply what was going on with me, that I didn't want to hide that it happened, but I thought I had tried my best to make it clear that I didn't blame her for it. That it's because of my own mental struggles, not because of her.

She said that she knows that. I still felt frozen. I told her that I felt like I was on trial, and not actually talking to her. She reassured me that she had stopped messaging the friend and it was just her and me. I considered switching to a phone call so that my tone and meaning wouldn't get misconstrued, but remembered that she had already expressed that she was too exhausted for a full conversation. I told her that we can continue this conversation over the phone after I get off work the next day, which is for the best, because I could tell I wasn't in a good emotional place to keep talking either.

I don't know what to do. I have tried and tried and tried to manage my RSD in my relationships through therapy, medication, behavorial changes, communication - and I still feel like every negative emotion I exhibit makes me a monster. I still feel like this volcano wells up inside of me and explodes. I want to control it, I want to shut it off. I want to stop making the people I care about feel like they have to tip toe around me, like they have to craft their words carefully to make sure I don't misinterpret them in bad faith and blow up. But I can't go back to the way I used to cope with it - by making myself small and have no needs of my own, just warping myself to the needs of the people around me. I have tried and tried and tried to balance this. To still speak up for myself, to still validate my own emotions. But I go too far.

I thought I was doing better. I ask her how she's doing, I ask about what she's doing, I engage with her hobbies, I make time for her, I tell her I love her, I tell her the specific things I love about her, I ask her what she needs and I listen. When I **** up, I try again.

She has explained to me that borderline makes it difficult for her to identify her own personality, but that when she first started dating me, she decided she wasn't ever going to placate herself or warp herself for me. She has always been honest about her likes and dislikes and her boundaries, and I love that about her and encourage it. I know what it's like to spiral and how difficult it can be to interpret the people around you in good faith, to not assume the worst of them when your mind is convincing you to give up, that everyone is out to get you.

What I do know is that we both need space to make sure that when we approach this conversation again, neither of us are activated. So we aren't making the worst assumptions about each other, aren't nitpicking every little miscommunication in bad faith. That we're capable of holding space for both of our emotions, both of our needs, without judgement or fear.

Because it's only been nine months, I feel like this is the make or break point where we decide whether or not this relationship is worth pursuing. We both know that we have major mental health issues to work through, the question is whether or not we're capable of working through those things together, or if we're just not compatible.

For anyone with experience with borderline or RSD with themselves or with a partner, what advice do you have? How can I be a better partner? How can I balance making space for both her emotions and mine? How can I help her through this?