fell in love with my best friend

let me preface this by saying i know we could never be together, but since everyone knows her as my best friend there’s not many people i can speak to about my feelings so i want to share them here.

and maybe one day i can muster up the courage to say them to her… anyway. me and this girl have been friends since i can remember. both of our families love eachother dearly and we are practically related. i’m pretty close with her sister and she’s close with my brother.

we often hangout with eachother to recharge. which is insane! & kind of rare to love someone so much that being around them literally doesn’t drain you in even the slightest, we know everything about each-other, and we literally have the definition of unconditional love toward eachother. i’d do just about anything for her.

we’re both women & both gay.. but she has a boyfriend, and i’ve always been really respectful about that.. but she’s expressed to me so many times that she feels like she should leave him but that she’s worried of the outcome and permanence that comes with that. it’s sounds weird, but it’s a lot more complicated than it sounds. she loves him….she likes hanging out with him… but she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to be IN love with him. (he’s also cheated on her many times so…he’s sort of a non factor to me) #sorrynotsorry

anyway.. flash back to 2019..before she even met this guy we were hanging out and the vibe between us was just crazy the way we talk and laugh and look at eachother. either way i must’ve misread these platonic signals and took them as her wanting to kiss me… we were talking and i just kissed her. she pushed me away and that was my first ever rejection ( i was only 15) but it hurt me deep into my core. and to be honest it was hard to even look at her after that. she hadn’t done anything wrong and i respected her boundaries but i just felt like an idiot.

we of course talked about it and she explained to me that she values our friendship so much that she’s scared that we could ruin it. i understood and we never spoke about it again. and honestly i’ve dated a few people in between that five year gap and have practically moved on..

then the other night happend…
we hadn’t seen eachother in a month and really missed each-other so we went to watch the new barbie movie and then late at night went to go sit at the the beach and had a few too many drinks, we were sitting under the stars and i just wish i could record my memories straight from my eyes. i looked over at her and felt like that 15 year old again who was head over heels for her best friend.

it went silent and you could cut the tension with a knife… and all she said was “i’m so grateful that i have a person”. (me being that person) unfortunately for me that made my stomach flutter.

we live in canada and the water here is freezing but we didn’t care and decided to run in.. we were SOOO COLD! but also drunk so it was bareable ahahaha.

she told me that she’d hold me and asked me to look up at the stars so she put her hands gently at the top back of my thighs and under my shoulders and i slowly sank into the trust of her hands, the silence of the water that’s just rising above my ears and the beauty of the stars all over the night sky. and being in that moment with her was the only thing in the word that mattered to me.

….after wards i jumped on her forwards and wrapped my legs around her hips and she held me and spun me around while my hair was going through the water & we just couldn’t stop giggling.. then i just hugged her. i wrapped my arms around her neck for a good two minutes…our cheeks were touching and i SO BADLY wanted to turn my head to meet her lips, the only sound you could hear was our breathing getting heavier and the waves crashing. it was truly one of the best experiences of my entire life that could never, and won’t ever be recreated..

in that moment that she was holding me the only thing running through my head was “is this the person the stars have aligned me to be with?” “is she who’s been right in-front of me this whole time?” “will we end up getting married one day?”

one part of me wanted to forget everything of the past and just kiss her.

but another part of me knows that i could never never put myself out there for her like that again knowing how deep the last time shattered me. even tho we were kids then, we’re 19 now.

the next day we didn’t talk about it. and i’m sure it was just a drunk moment for her. she texted me randomly and said “that was so much fun, good memories.” and i replied with “yeah me too, i can’t stop thinking about it.” to which she replied “i want it to be in the ocean next time”

when i look at her i see a future of fun, of love, of unforgettable pleasant memories, i see friendship as-well as love. i’ve always loved her. we’ve always had this unsaid agreement between us that as long as we have each-other there will always be something worth living for. but i also know that im just a sucker for a good ending and a “love story” that’s completely made up in my head. it’s happened to me many times where i imagine a whole life that’s seriously ALL DELUSION.

but that night, i know what we both felt was real and im unsure about a lot but i know that night wasn’t two friends hanging out. it was simply something of a movie, it’s sad, but i’m okay with being her friend forever and it never going anywhere because im just grateful that i get to live in this lifetime with her in some form or fashion. but i seriously need to stop hurting myself in these situations that probably mean nothing to the other person.

what do you guys think, please let me know :,)