I have some that are not truly FUNNY.... more so on the gross side..
so lets hear yours..
Im always in for a good laugh. ;-)
<Ellpus pulls up a chair, waiting for the nice ladies to write some naughty stories>
Yeah, I know what you mean by gross. It's horrible.
Well, here's another funny one though.
This NH was in a really small town out in the middle of the swamp.
One of the good things (in a way) about a small town like this is that everyone has a history, and everyone knows it.
This one woman, in her late 90's, had, in her day, been the towns whore.
She must have really liked her work, because apparantly she wasn't ready to retire.
Once she trapped poor Mr. Clayton in the corner of his room. He was about 5'2" and weighed about 110 lbs soaking wet. No match for Edna.
They had to rush to his aid, the poor dear was nearly suffocated, his cries growing ever weaker...."help......help.....please......"
-------------
Edna had a barbi doll she REALLY liked. It was about 8 inches long, and had interesting bumps.
Eventually Edna passed away...........They came and took the remains, and the staff prepared to empty out her room.
They found mixed up in the sheets, her barbi doll................without its head.
< Ellpus stands up and runs off screaming >
Year: 3574
Place: Remains of a lost civilization, middle of a swamp.
Dr. Digsme: Ah, here we find the remains of what seems to be a 98 year old female.
Dr. Bonz: They certainly didn't live very long back then, did they?
Dr. Digsme: Wait, what is is object lying at the upper end of her pelvis. It's precisely in the middle, almost as if it had been placed there after she decomposed. Perhaps in a ritual of respect for having been fertile.
Dr. Bonz: I don't know, it looks like a barbi doll head with really f*ucked up hair to me.
It's like one of those Capitol One commercials.....
"What's in YOUR vagina"?
Once I read about a South Pacific island where impotence was hereditary for centuries.
I have always wondered whether these men masturbated at all.
In days of old
When men were bold
And women not yet invented
They drilled some holes
In telegraph poles
And fuked themselves contented.
Everything in moderation;-)
mastbation hmm? I'm a young Christian girl. I love Jesus millions! I haven't always been a Christian though and I used to masturbate loads:-) I still do now and again - but I fight above the temptation most of the time.
This is not because of rules or religious guidelines though.
Jesus is wonderful, he loves us so much. Masturbation along with all other kinds of sin is of course forgivable- that's why he died for us, because we sin continuously even when we make a concious effort on a daily basis not to.
God only says things are sinful because he loves us, there is no other reason. Everything he teaches is from love. He knows that Masturbation can feed unhealthy thoughts and fantasies. Fantasizing about a certain person of situation increases the likelihood of it happening. I've realised this to be true if I'm totally honest with myself. Also it's really easy to become obsessed with orgasms :-). I find if I do it one day I'm highly likely to think about it again the next. Just like eating too much chocolate it's not good for your overall well-being to be addicted to over-indulgence.
My testimony on this, is that masturbation is not fundamentally a huge deal or something you should beat yourself up about. But it can become a vice and a way of escaping stress and not really dealing with it just like food cigarettes and things :-) Also just as sleeping with an ex makes it harder to let go of them, sleeping with them in your head makes it harder too. And maybe if you think about your mates girlfriend while your spanking the monkey it might lead to an extra wink her way, then maybe a text or bumping into her for a drink or....
Sounds dramatic but you never know.
Merry Christmas x
Re: Everything in moderation;-)
Philistar wrote:mastbation hmm? I'm a young Christian girl. I love Jesus millions! I haven't always been a Christian though and I used to masturbate loads:-) I still do now and again - but I fight above the temptation most of the time.
This is not because of rules or religious guidelines though.
Jesus is wonderful, he loves us so much. Masturbation along with all other kinds of sin is of course forgivable- that's why he died for us, because we sin continuously even when we make a concious effort on a daily basis not to.
God only says things are sinful because he loves us, there is no other reason. Everything he teaches is from love. He knows that Masturbation can feed unhealthy thoughts and fantasies. Fantasizing about a certain person of situation increases the likelihood of it happening. I've realised this to be true if I'm totally honest with myself. Also it's really easy to become obsessed with orgasms :-). I find if I do it one day I'm highly likely to think about it again the next. Just like eating too much chocolate it's not good for your overall well-being to be addicted to over-indulgence.
My testimony on this, is that masturbation is not fundamentally a huge deal or something you should beat yourself up about. But it can become a vice and a way of escaping stress and not really dealing with it just like food cigarettes and things :-) Also just as sleeping with an ex makes it harder to let go of them, sleeping with them in your head makes it harder too. And maybe if you think about your mates girlfriend while your spanking the monkey it might lead to an extra wink her way, then maybe a text or bumping into her for a drink or....
Sounds dramatic but you never know.
Merry Christmas x
Actually, no. The Bible said it was sinful, because during those days it was believed that the sperm was the seed of life. Masturbation was only something a man couldn't do because in those days sperm was thought to be precious.
You just look at a lot of the Bible laws in various versions in
http://www.biblegateway.com. Most of the laws are related to what a male must do.
You love Jesus millions of what?
Gee you sound perky.
Mary Tyler Moore was perky, so was that Marlo girl, I was never overly fond of perkyness.
Neither am I.
Coy is something else I can do without.
Well, I do tend towards shyness for meself. Would I be coy?
I cant think of any 'funny' stories..
Though I do remember one man.. I think his name was Robert....
Any way, NH in eastern Albq.
He was the youngest man there... early 60's.
He had a little motorized wheel chair that he puttered around in all day.
He had a favorite lady friend who was an alzheimers patient.
Of course, all the staff knew, and his wife knew, he was trying to sleep with this woman.
It was our job to try to keep the two as seperated as possible seeing she wasnt able to really speak for herself anymore.
This pissed ole' Robert off .
He would try to run over our feet, he would hit us with his chair from behind or smack us as hard as he could on our asses when we stepped into his room to remove the woman..
One day, I was working 600 hall and he had dissappeared down 300 hall with her for too long.
The halls were like a wagon wheel. Nurses station in the middle, halls branching out at all sides.
The nurse on 300 hall had gone to his lunch break so I trotted over there to seperate Robert and his 'lady friend'
I tell ya.. he was a quick little devil.
This woman had an oral fixation with just about anything.. as some alzheimers patients have.
Any and all objects will end up in her mouth.
To Roberts delight it turned out.
I entered the room and she was sitting on the side of the bed farthest from the door way with a toothbrush in her mouth.
Robert.. quickly fixing his pants, edged his wheelchair back and drove into the bathroom.
I took her hand and we walked out of the room.. her playing with the toothbrush..
me
realizing what was on it a few minutes later...
well if it is a sin it can be forgiven
well if it is a sin which i don't know if it is but in case it is what i do is ask god to forgive me.if it is a sin don't worry it can be forgiven if you ask god to forgive you.just ask god to forgive you for your sins.
well if it is a sin it can be forgiven
well if it is a sin which i don't know if it is but in case it is what i do is ask god to forgive me.if it is a sin don't worry it can be forgiven if you ask god to forgive you.just ask god to forgive you for your sins.
Anybody ever have flames shoot out of their whatzit?
