Dating a divorcee

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So about 2 years ago I met a guy about 12 years older than me (I’m 26 now) and he was in the midst of a divorce. For about a year and a half we lived a fair distance from each other but met up as much as we could and it was mainly fun and exciting. About 6 months ago I moved to the same city as him for a job opportunity and now things have gone up a gear. We’ve talked about how neither of us expected this to become a real relationship but it very much has and we’re serious about it. Now this is where my problem comes in. He works in hospitality so he works a lot of long hours and weekends so we don’t have a huge amount of time to spend together. The real kicker is that he also has a daughter, I haven’t met her yet but we have talked about it. So a lot of the time when he’s not working, obviously he’s looking after her, which I completely understand.
I think my question is more than anything, am I torturing myself here? I find myself getting upset a lot because I don’t get to see him as much as I would like and we talk about it and he apologies but at the end of the day there’s nothing we can do about it, I can’t see the timing thing getting any easier any time soon. I can’t bare the thought of us breaking up, he really does mean the world to me right now, especially since I’ve moved to a new city and don’t know many people. Do you think I should persevere? Considering how much we care for each other? Or am I torturing myself when I could potentially be in a healthier/simpler relationship? Any help or advise is welcome!!!

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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 1,297 • Replies: 34

@Helpme92,

Is he seeing you less than when you were in a long-distance relationship?

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@Helpme92,

Helpme92 wrote:

For about a year and a half we lived a fair distance from each other but met up as much as we could and it was mainly fun and exciting.

About 6 months ago I moved to the same city as him for a job opportunity and now things have gone up a gear. We’ve talked about how neither of us expected this to become a real relationship but it very much has and we’re serious about it.

you're experiencing the difference between a honeymoon every time you meet and real life.

when you met occasionally, all you had time for was fun and excitement and no responsibility (on his part) for his family

he has no more time for you now than he did before - the relationship is hitting the wall of real life

__

it was never going to be exciting all time time

the question is are you ready for a normal real-life relationship with a partner who has responsibilities?

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@Helpme92,

I have experience in this... I am a divorced father of a teen-aged daughter. I am currently dating a single mother (and I have dated women with no kids before).

I have found the secret to any relationship is good communication. Listen to your partner about what he wants and what he worries about. Be honest and clear telling what you need and what you worry about. Be open... relationships always take work, the more flexible you are the more chance you have for something great.

When you date a single parent, you need to be patient. There is an interesting balance about time; the kid's needs come first but obviously you will be important too. You should also realize that you are coming into the parenting relationship as an outsider. You should listen very carefully to what the father says concerning his child... with his kid he is responsible. If you are understand this and have patient this can work.

I introduced my girlfriend to my daughter pretty soon after things got serious. My daughter has a good relationship with her mother. My daughter understands things, my girlfriend understands things. They got along just fine. I talk to my daughter separately to make sure she understands that dating is dating and that things wouldn't change... my daughter is pretty smart about these things. My main point is that we single parents will work it out, as a girlfriend you should follow his lead.

I recently met my girlfriend's children (she wanted wait a little longer... I was OK with that). I introduced myself, made some silly joke, and then took the kids' lead. Her daughter started to play a silly hide and seek game, I played along. I played FIFA with her son. We got along well. When it comes to my girlfriend's kids... she is the boss, I take her lead. Kids are far more accepting than some people think.

Be patient. Be open. Be flexible. Work on building good communication. Enjoy.

Good luck.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

No we see each other much more now, and we’re so happy when we do. We get on so well. I guess I’m just struggling with the fact that we live so close to each other, are in the same city, want to see each other a lot but are still struggling to do so.

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@maxdancona,

Thank you so much for this. I do definitely appreciate that his daughter has to come first, I think I just need to be a little more patient and see if it gets any easier with time. I think more than anything it’s his work that causes a lot of our timing problems but again, that’s something we can’t change and I wouldn’t expect him too.
I think you’re absolutely right about being patient and flexible, he’s very good at communicating with me but ive never been very good at opening up so maybe it’s time for me to work on my communication skills!
Thanks again

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@ehBeth,

Sorry I didn’t realise there were two responses here! I definitely knew and expected for it to be a big change when we went from long distance to a real relationship and I’m completely ok with that. I Actually love the normality for the most part, I feel like it’s much more real and honest than it ever was when it was long distance. I’m ok with real life, I just find it hard when I only get to see him once a week when I know he’s so close and I really want our relationship to move forward. I don’t know how we can do that without spending more time together

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I've never heard of anyone who embraced having a step-parent as a child. Mostly kids put up with their divorced parents dating again, but it is a confusing thing because you love both your parents and it's hard for you to understand why they don't love each other, and then you have to deal with them loving someone else, and you have to figure out who you are in the midst of all these different personalities loving and hating each other.

So the question is do you want to eventually be that step-parent? Also, are you thinking you might want to have kid(s) of your own? If so, you should discuss this with the guy and take the daughter's perspective into account as well. Many modern family people will insist that blended families are just another type of family and children just need to be counseled into accepting step-siblings and half-siblings, etc.; but just put yourself in the little girl's shoes and reflect on how you would feel in her situation and what you should do to treat her as you would want to be treated in her situation.

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@livinglava,

Nonsense! Kids do just find with blended families.

I raised step-children (now adults). Now I am divorced (from the mother of my step-children) and my biological child is just fine with my dating life... she is close to her mother, and she has a friendship with my girlfriend with whom she likes to spend time too. It is just a matter of communication on all parts.

People are better parents when they have their own needs met. The idea that a single parent needs to suffer alone is complete nonsense.

I guess I am answering LivingLava's silliness, but I would say that it is up to the single parent (in this case the father) to decide what his daughter needs to make your relationship work. Every child is different...

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

Nonsense! Kids do just find with blended families.

I raised step-children (now adults). Now I am divorced (from the mother of my step-children) and my biological child is just fine with my dating life... she is close to her mother, and she has a friendship with my girlfriend with whom she likes to spend time too. It is just a matter of communication on all parts.

People are better parents when they have their own needs met. The idea that a single parent needs to suffer alone is complete nonsense.

I guess I am answering LivingLava's silliness, but I would say that it is up to the single parent (in this case the father) to decide what his daughter needs to make your relationship work. Every child is different...

People often deceive themselves about what others' feel and think to rationalize their pursuit of their own desires. If someone is mature enough to reflect on the sacrifices they make to satisfy their desires, they sometimes realize the sacrifice isn't worth what it buys.

1 Reply

@livinglava,

In a couple of threads today, you seem to be decidedly anti-sex.

I don't accept the idea that single parents should be abstinent.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

Although I understand your point of view, I feel you're also discounting how young OP is. Without having been married or having a kid of her own, I'd have to say your middle aged advise may be skewed for some one who has yet to discover how hard being a step parent can be.

OP doesn't say how old her bf's daughter is, how the relationship between the kid's parents are or even if there's a future that includes her.

Twelve YEARS is a big difference. Be cautious in your advice.

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@neptuneblue,

I don't know, Neptune... a 26 year old woman is not a child. Generally we have finished an education and started a career long before that. At 26 we are full independent adults making decisions for ourselves. I don't see the age as such a big issue. If the relationship works, it works.

I agree that she needs to enter this relationship with an idea of what she is looking for, and be aware that a kid and a busy career will be a part of it. But, it sounds like she is doing this. Obviously some things about this relationship are making her happy. In any relationship we need to look at the good things and the challenges and decide what we want for ourselves.

My main advice is communication. I don't know if she is looking for marriage from this relationship, or maybe just a possibility. Yes, when you date a single parent there is another parent involved... but I have personal experience from two sides of this and it really isn't that difficult if both sides are reasonable (as they often are).

My advice is that if she wants this relationship, she should go for it (this is sound advice for any adult). She should be careful to communicate what she wants and needs and to listen to her partner.

I think this is good advice.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue wrote:

Although I understand your point of view, I feel you're also discounting how young OP is. Without having been married or having a kid of her own, I'd have to say your middle aged advise may be skewed for some one who has yet to discover how hard being a step parent can be.

OP doesn't say how old her bf's daughter is, how the relationship between the kid's parents are or even if there's a future that includes her.

Twelve YEARS is a big difference. Be cautious in your advice.

Read his posts. He's more concerned about sex than step-parenthood.

1 Reply

@livinglava,

Give it a rest, Lava. Sex is an integral part of relationships. Neither took a vow of chastity so...it's ok.

What does have me concerned is

Helpme92 wrote:

Or am I torturing myself when I could potentially be in a healthier/simpler relationship?

All the communication in the world isn't going to get him out of his work hours. Hospitality usually means both Friday and Saturday nights and holidays. It's a rough schedule. And it's ok if that's your chosen profession.

But dating someone like that also means a lot of alone time, something that I think OP shouldn't have to endure at this time in her life. She should dating someone who has more time for her, recognizes that a relationship cannot grow in a vacuum or when it's only convenient for him.

I don't think OP should be waiting around for him to be able to find time for her. She deserves more than that.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue wrote:

Give it a rest, Lava. Sex is an integral part of relationships. Neither took a vow of chastity so...it's ok.

Sex is what it is, but when you are weighing sexual desire over issues of step parenthood, that should tell you that you're making too much of sex.

We should get our priorities straight when it comes to sex. Sex is just pleasure unless it's in the service of getting pregnant. Pleasure should never take priority over more important life duties.

1 Reply

@livinglava,

Why not? Pleasure can inspire one to do your best work later.

Haven’t you ever had great sex and sometime afterwards feel inspired to get that refrigerator cleaned, work on that spreadsheet etc? And while doing those things feel light and cheerful about it as well.

Sex is not just pleasure (or making babies). It makes people friendlier towards each other (and not just the 2 that had sex). It forms a bond/partnership. That to the extent that if the sex is good and leads to more overall life satisfaction, you’ll be a better person to the children of your partner.

Pleasure and duty are not mutually exclusive.

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@chai2,

Someone's against pleasure? is there anything else that gives meaning to life?

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

Why not? Pleasure can inspire one to do your best work later.

Haven’t you ever had great sex and sometime afterwards feel inspired to get that refrigerator cleaned, work on that spreadsheet etc? And while doing those things feel light and cheerful about it as well.

When you are addicted to sex or some other pleasure, the urge to fulfill the desire blocks you from doing other things without first fulfilling it as a condition for feeling well enough to do the other thing(s).

If you learn to forego pleasure and just move right on to what you need to do, the pleasure that you would have gotten from the sex or other indulgence will be there in the other activity instead of being lost when it is all released at once during orgasm.

Quote:

Sex is not just pleasure (or making babies). It makes people friendlier towards each other (and not just the 2 that had sex). It forms a bond/partnership. That to the extent that if the sex is good and leads to more overall life satisfaction, you’ll be a better person to the children of your partner.

Pleasure and duty are not mutually exclusive.

No, but when you have sex instead of doing your duty, you release the endorphins with the sex and less are there when you're working on your duty.

If you are addicted to sex and you try to just work through your urge to indulge, you will at first experience discomfort, nervousness, etc. As you work through those feelings, however, you will gain self-control and the work will feel almost like doing something to build up to sex than something you have to do after you're spent. Then, if you can go on postponing sexual pleasure after your work is finished, you will achieve a state of being that is something like a endless sexual buildup without orgasm/release. It is a very pleasurable state to achieve, but it is very difficult if you are used to the pattern of building up to sexual release (orgasm).

Once you embrace the goal of endlessly deferring orgasm, every orgasm becomes a stumbling block on the path to permanently-sustained inner pleasure. Sexual desire is very strong and it will try to find expression in all sorts of ways, so you have to accept that and just keep trying to maintain focus and contain that energy in hopes of training it to stay inside where it can do the most good (unless of course you're trying to get pregnant, and then it has to come out temporarily).

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@livinglava,

The only person displaying addictive behaviour of this thread is you. Your prurience is getting out of hand, it's probably the main reason you're so pissed off with everyone.

1 Reply

Dating a divorcee

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