Seperaration Anxiety

Bump.

No one, huh?

Hm...

Hi Bella,


http://www.panic-anxiety.com/what-is-separation-anxiety-disorder.htm

Excerpt:





The article goes on to describe a treatment method, but I'm not sure how widely accepted that method is. It sounded like a form of GAD to me, this article says the same thing. Does she have other anxieties?

Does she have the same sort of reaction if he travels for work, or visits family for an afternoon or day? Does she cry when he goes to work each day?

If not, I'd suspect something else is going on.


<grammar edit>

Sometimes she gets weepy and weird when he wants to go out with friends at night without her. He doesn't have the same problem with her going out because her and I do it sometimes without him.
He doesn't normally travel for work but once a while back he had to be gone for about 3 weeks and that was not good. I did notice, however, that about 1 1/2 into it she started to seem better or more ok with it. I don't know if it was the anticipation that half of his trip was over and he was coming home of what.
She works as well so no, I don't think she cries every morning or not that I know of. Of course, I am not there every morning and I only know what she tells me so there very well might be something else going on.

He is a great guy and she really doesn't have any reason to be so weird about this. I've known her since high school and she never used to be this way. It's been in the last 3 year or so. (they've been married for 5) I just don't know what to do. I really want to help her because I know this is straining their marriage.

He doesn't go out often. Maybe 2 times a month without her. He doesn't spend tons of time away from home or her. He pretty much spends all his free time with her. She doesn't act at all weird when my hubby and I go out with them. She is like the old friend I used to know. My hubby and hers can take off to go play pool or video games or whatever and let the wimmins talk and she is fine. I just don't get it.

She and I have been friends for a long time and it kills me to have to go over the same thing with her time and time and time again. (not to mention, I am sad to say, it's annoying)
I've gotten the routine down to a sceince. Phone call....The "it's ok, you'll be all right" phase, the "you need to stop crying" phase., the "do you need me to come over?" phase and finally the "ok, go to sleep/work/wherever and call me if you need me".

<<sigh>> it is very tiring. I just want to help.

Re: Seperaration Anxiety

It does look like there's a bit of a pattern to it.
He's not to go out/away with his friends.

That's something she needs to talk to a counsellor about. Your best suggestion as a friend is probably to let her know that you can't talk to her about this - that she needs to speak to someone who's not involved as a friend. When she calls 'freaking out', ask her if she's made arrangements to see a counsellor to talk about it.

Counselling friends is really tricky in this kind of area, and really best avoided - you'd likely have to tell her something that she doesn't want to hear from you - because she wants you to agree with her/support her view/just listen to her. Listen, but let someone else deal with the issues.

Safer for the friendship - assuming you want to maintain it.


<when I turned 40, I dumped someone who used to run a routine very much like this with me, getting older can be very nice>

I can't stand having to console her when I want to way WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! Is that bad?

Maybe his friends are rats...hm. I dunno. It could be just them... I don't know a lot of them very well. They seem like normal, decent people to me. Oh wait....not all of them are married...maybe it's the single thing?

Nope. Not wanting to console her doesn't make you bad at all.
What can you do about it? Not much probably. Either she's not being totally honest with you about what's happened in the last 3 years or she's developing a paranoia of some kind. I have a friend of over 20 years and I've watched this person grow from a calm and self-confident professional to paranoid and uncertain of her abilities. She was used to being the golden girl and then she took a few hits and was forced into a position where she really had to prove herself to a resentful group of people and that really screwed her head up. She's still the smart and savvy professional she always was but the confidence is gone and she's paranoid that everyone is out to sabotage her. And you can't tell her different. I have tried and tried but she has convinced herself that she's right, everyone else is wrong and no one else understands what she's going through.

<<sigh>> I think that you are right....that this is better left to someone other than me. I just know she won't go see someone and I don't want to terminate the friendship but I don't think I can take it when he finally decides he's had enough and leaves.

Not bad at all, Bella.

And you may have to say that to her someday - to get her to go talk to someone about what's wrong with her.

Hubby's friends being single may well be a factor, and that's something she'll need to look at for herself.

When she's not having one of her fits, does she recognize that she has been unreasonable?

I once told a friend that I was going to give her a piece of advice about her relationship (that she was always squawking about), and that she could really listen to me and take the advice, or stop talking to me about it.

She realized she wasn't going to like what I was going to say (it was pretty obvious what anyone would say in that case), and I never heard that particular type of squawking again.

Sometimes you have to consider whether you're doing all the giving in a relationship, or if there is give and take. Is everybody getting some benefit/having some fun - or is it just getting too annoying?

Yes, she knows it. In fact, she even says "I know I'm being silly but I can't help it!". I do tell her that she can help it but of course, this leads to another round of "How????I CAN'T...." wwwaaahhhh....



Ok, now I am just getting into the annoyance of this all rather than the helping...this is how frustrating it is for me.

I've had to do that too, ehBeth. I had a friend who whined about her boyfriend constantly and I got so tired of hearing it, I gave her an ultimatum. Either do something about it or stop whining. At least, to me. And just like your friend, she stopped whining about him.

Oh how I hate that "I can't help it" crap.

My best friend is a therapist...maybe I should hook them up.

My best friend and my crazy friend, that is.