Another Marriage on the edge ;( She hardwork & Stubborn

Help, She just doesn't try no matter what I say or do!

Been together 20 years, married 14 years, have 2 kids together and I have another from previous relationship who is older and moved out.

We have been struggling for years and I'm going to summarise this as best I can..

Early days as usual everything seems perfect, my son starts living with us on & off from a young age. As he grew I started noticing that she treated him terribly which upset me and would often ask her to be nice to him but nothing worked. Eventually he ran away when he was old enough as she just made him feel so uncomfortable.

We have two kids and while she treats them better there is times when she is just horrible to them also but I can see she loves them.

Relationship trouble started many years ago, she makes very little effort for me & us before and after kids, I've always planned, booked, instigated, thought and actioned 99% of our life and when I ask for her to help or plan something nice for the two of us she gets upset and abusive. She hates me doing anything, having drive and being motived upsets her and she wants nothing to do with it or me.

Yes I have spoiled her, given her everything but yet nothing is good enough. She would complain I didn't cuddle or kiss her enough but yet when I did, it wasn't long enough or it wasn't the right amount of time.

I found a letter this week I wrote 10 years ago to her asking for help and asking her to make an effort for us and to be nice to my son but here I am still persevering but getting tired of being the only one in the relationship.

If I help her she does less in and around the home, if I don't help her she just complains or it doesn't get done.

I don't go out, I don't hang out with friends as it upsets her, I gave up a year to just focus on her but that wasn't enough.

When I give her 100% my undivided attention and do nothing other then everything she wants, there is no thanks or return of effort, she gets shitty when I need to anything else, I can't win!

We have drifted apart now, we have little to no contact as I have stopped doing all the heavy lifting and no matter what I say she won't reach out or make any effort.

Yes we did counselling, 3 months of trying to communicate with her as she rarely speaks to me. We were given different tasks each week but she would never complete hers, counsellor puts it down to depression but she refuses to accept that.

We have great kids and I know if we separate it will destroy them and me but at what point do I need to find happiness?

Yes I love her, I want to be with her, I can't change her I can only change myself which I have done and it's only getting worse...

Help!