Dates from Hell...

Ok - we've all had them. My girlfriend and I were reminiscing today about our worst dates and I want to hear more. Here are my worst:

Bachelor #1 - This was a blind date, you know a friend of a friend of a friend. I was a college student living in NYC and all I was told was he was a nice guy who worked as a street performer to put himself through graduate school. We briefly talk on the phone, he seemed nice and we agree he will meet me at my dorm. I am waiting in the lobby and in walks a clown. I mean a real clown - silly polka dot jumper, big yellow fright wig, red rubber nose and big clown shoes. He walks over to me and introduces himself - he pulls out a big paper flower from the side of his pantaloons and hands it to me. I am in shock - this is my date and I am stuck with him for the evening. As we go outside it is starts to rain lightly. I mention we should get an umbrella. He reaches into the pocket of his pants again and pulls out and pops open a very tiny umbrella and hands it to me. It is bright pink and would not protect a miniature poodle, but in my stunned state I hold it over my head (in my other hand is the paper flower) and we walk down 5th Ave. We are stared at - a lot - and remember this is NYC , the place where all pedestrians pretend to be blind. Long story short part - we went to a movie where he honked his little toy horn at all the funny parts, until the guy behind us said he was about "to commit clownicide" if he didn't stop it. He took me home and at the door and bent down to kiss me good-night - I said "I do not kiss men who wear more makeup than I do." I shook his hand and did not answer the phone for 3 weeks.

Bachelor #2 - Met a handsome man at a business conference. We arrange to meet for drinks later in the week at an upscale restaurant/bar with both know. I arrive wearing a new little black dress and a string of pearls I inherited from my great aunt. He looks nice and is sitting at the bar. I sit next to him. About 15 minutes into the conversation I notice him staring down at the pearls. "They're not real are they?' he says. "Oh yes, they certainly are" I say. " I could tell if I touch them, if they are real or not" he says. "Go right ahead" I say confident that the pearls are the genuine article. He reaches out and literally grabs my breasts. I jump up, almost falling off the bar stool, a yelp sort of came out of my mouth and not knowing what else to do I darted out of the restaurant and grabbed a cab that was letting out other people and went home - and did not answer my phone for 3 weeks. He actually did call and left an apology, but I did not calling him back.

Bachelor #3 - Another blind date - started out great - good looking guy, good talker, we have a nice dinner, go to a club to dance - he takes me home. As we get to the front stoop of my building he puts his foot up on the step and leans over to tie his shoe. We both hear a big ripping sound as the back of his chinos split wide open. It's fairly dark, but I could tell from the sound that his butt must be hanging out. I say "Come on upstairs and I'll fix the seam on my roommates sewing machine." He comes up and I tell him to go into the bedroom and throw his pants into a little hallway between the living room and the bedrooms. Now across from the bedroom is the bathroom and on the bathroom door is a mirror which by coincidence happens to reflect back into the bedroom. I swear I didn't mean to peak, but I clearly caught his reflection in the mirror as he was throwing the pants into the hall and there was no mistaking the fact that he was wearing women's undies. Satin little panties with pink and yellow flowers and lacy trim. I didn't say anything, just sewed up the pants, and thanked him for the evening. He did call again and I admit I lied and told him I had gotten back together with an old beau.

OK next...

edited because I can't spell.