Tue 9 Oct, 2018 09:52 pm
This is the first time I publish on this kind of forum, and I write this message to you to have an opinion on something that I would like to do, because by dint of thinking about it I go around in circles ^^ But I warn immediately: the message will probably be a little long, and I apologize, but I want to explain the situation so that you can understand it as clearly as possible. I also apologize if my English is a bit strange because it's not my mother tongue.
Basically, I would like to send to the woman I like a card with a little haiku I had written for her and that she inspired me. I like the haiku because it is a beautiful, simple, straightforward poetry, which does not extend into dripping frills and marshmallows. Most by the least, as the Japanese artists would say. I will also return later in the message on the reasons for this particular choice.
I am a woman myself. She herself is very doubtful about her sexuality. A few months ago we met through a mutual friend. After a first appointment that seemed to have gone very well, I began to like her so I wanted to go further with her, but it did not succeed for various reasons. When we had discussed about it, she told me that since we were going to change universities in less than two months (we have both studied, until recently, in the same university, in the same faculty but not the same option. And we met late, towards the end of our bachelor's degree, three months before we changed each university to complete our master's degree) and we were going to two different places, it was not a good time to start a relationship, even if she said to find me very nice. Even though I agree with this argument, I can not help wondering if that was the real reason for her refusal: was it just because she didn't like me and did not not dare to say it? Was it because she did not accept herself very well, and besides was not even really sure of loving girls? Had I my chances at first, but then I ruined everything by showing me perhaps too insistent, even if that's what I tried to avoid as much as possible? Maybe the great impression I had at our appointment was not reciprocal? Maybe I had packed too fast? Or maybe even a mix of all these reasons? Anyway, I told myself that I would not have the answers to my questions , that it would be pathetic to ask them clearly, and that so everything was well like that since we ended up anyway on a good note. Indeed, we remained in good term, there is no problem. I let everything go without worrying too much.
It's been five months since the last time we have talked to each other.
Not long ago, I rediscovered a passage from Stephen King's book "It", a beautiful passage that I loved but that I had forgotten a little:
"Her hair, he thought, and saw her going down the school steps again with it bouncing on her shoulders. The sun did not so much glint on it as seem to burn within it.
Working carefuly over a twenty-minute period (with one break to go back and get more work-slips), striking out words that were too long, changing, deleting, Ben came up with this:
Your hair in winter fire,
My heart burns there, too.
He wasn't crazy about it, but it was the best he could do. He was afraid that if he frigged around with it too long, worried it too much, he would end up getting the jitters ans doing something much worse. Or not doing it at all. He didn't want that to happen. The moment she had taken to speak to him had been a striking moment for Ben. He wanted to mark it in his memory. Probably Beverly had a crush on some bigger boy-a sixth, or maybe even a seventhgrader, and she would think that maybe the boy had sent the haiku. That would make her happy, and so the day she got it would be marked in her memory. And althought she would never know it had ben Ben Hanscom who marked it for her, that was all right; he would know. "
Reading this passage, I really felt like Ben Hanscom, my favorite character in the novel, the boy who writes the love haiku for Beverly Marsh. In fact, the passage represents what I would like to do: send to the girl I like a love haiku but hope nothing because it has not worked anyway and it will work even less now that we are in two different universities. But I would like to do it anyway because on the one hand I would be happy to offer her the poem, and on the other hand because perhaps it will make her happy to receive such a gift. I'm not waiting for anything, I do not even know if she will make a potential link with me. But I would like to do it. I will send her a nice card with the poem inside, and I will also add the quote above for her to understand my intentions.
This is a somewhat strange situation to explain because although I like her a lot and that in the past I was a little sad because we can not be together, I do not feel more sad now. It just makes me feel good to think about her, even if nothing will never happen. And even if I think about it several months later, I know that it will end up going by itself. And then I'm someone rather optimistic, so I do not let myself down so easily ^ ^ But in the meantime, the situation actually does not bother me.
I really want to do it, but I wonder. Would not that look like creepy? Immature? I know her address but if I send the card at home, in the sight of all, that would not risk to scare her? And / or putting her in a situation that is too uncomfortable with her family? Because that's not what I want. Of course the letter would be anonymous, but her family will probably ask her questions. And returning to anonymity, I know that many of you will think it's cowardly to send an anonymous letter. But cowardice is not the problem here because, when we still saw each other, it was I who took the initiative to invite her, then later to discuss whether we would continue to see each other or not. This is not a process of revelation of feelings, it is a gift approach.
Moreover, if she makes the link with me, I risk being ridiculous with her and her friends (and even my own entourage if the news spreads since, without having the same circle of friends, let's say the two are pretty close).
My friends know I like girls and for our date, but they do not suspect anything about the aiku and all since it is something that I keep for myself. Everyone thinks it's been a long time since I've moved on. And to tell the truth, I'm a little ashamed to think of her in this way when there was nothing between us and that in truth we had not known each other for so long. And it's not that I keep up this all the time: I'm at University, I have a rather busy life, I go out with my friends, and so on. But despite all that, I can not help but think of her. I repeat: it does not make me sad, on the contrary, but I know that it is not the best of situations either.
Finally, I wanted to ask you your opinion on all that, and on my intentions. Do you think I should follow my urge and send her an anonymous card with the haiku that I wrote for her and the quote from "It" for her to understand my approach? And if I do, do I wait for Valentine's Day or do I do it anytime? It would be for the pleasure of offering, to please him and also to please me in a certain way.
Or, does it look definitely creepy and immature, and I just have to wait for it to pass?
Or, maybe I could just try to get in touch with Facebook, or better do nothing and possibly move if she recontacts me, even if I doubt that it will happen one day?
That's it, I hope I won't look like a crazy romantic too much. In any case, thank you in advance for your answers :-)
Don't declare your undying love unless you're in a relationship with someone.
You're not in a relationship with her.
Don't send the haiku. It really will be creepy and strange. That stuff only works in books and movies. You are in neither. This is real life.
Instead, write a short note, say hi and ask if you two can get together soon.
And see what happens.
I am talking about a super short note here, as in, maybe, three sentences. No talk of dates or lesbian attractions, etc. Just a request to spend some time together.
If she says yes, then don't go into it with any expectations other than having a nice chat with a friend. And if you had a good time, say at the end, "I had a really great time. Let's get together again and this time make it a real date. Are you free Friday night?"
Of course change that to Saturday or whatever if that works better for you.
Be prepared for being turned down. That is, don't get your hopes up because, like you said, she might not have same-sex attraction or might not be attracted to you, personally. Or maybe she just wants to be friends.
Of course if she agrees to a date then go and have a marvelous time -- and still don't send the haiku. If things work out, give it some time. As in months. Don't push it!
Best of luck to you.
Hello! Thank you very much for your answer! I indeed thought that it might look like creepy and that there were more "don't" than "do" ... but I preferred to have the opinion of someone about it because by dint of thinking I had a little trouble to take the necessary distance. And I admit that I did not want to talk to my friends about it because I was afraid to sound too ridiculous.
Of course, when I was talking about contacting her via Facebook, it was not necessarily for a meeting in a romantic way, it was just to get back in touch. But I do not think to do it for the moment. Having written this message, having read and re-read it and having seen your answer gives me comfort in the idea of keeping a cool head and taking a step back with all this before possibly recontacting her. It is necessary to let time take its course, and I'll let it go. And even if I recontact her, it must be done without expecting nothing but to talk or to spend time as friends, as you very well advised it.
That's it. In any case I hope I did not seem too crazy or desperate because it's not the case ^^ but it's true that I tend to get excited a little bit in love, I have to learn to keep a cool head.
Thanks again for your developed response and your advices , and have a nice day!
One line shines out in your post: (paraphrase) we haven’t talked in five months.
So you really don’t know much about her life now. She may even be in a relationship !
So for that reason and the fact you didn’t act more assertive about getting together all these months, I say NO to sending that poem. A nice “how have you been / across the miles” birthday card is more in order.
I think you're right. Thank you for your answer, and have a nice day!
Hello! Indeed, the haiku written by Ben Hanscom doesn't have the right number of syllables. But I always thought it was a beautiful haiku anyway because the essence of haiku poetry is here :-)
Thank you for your message!
No you should let it and give time to yourself.
Thank you for your answer! Yeah, I did not send it. As you said, I give time to myself and it's really better now :-)
Thank you for your advice but as said above , I decided not to send it ^^