Am I overreacting?

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My husband and I have been together for over a decade now. He started a new job this year and his hours have been erratic but I have just assumed that was normal. Except yesterday when he lied about his hours, telling me his was working 2 hours earlier than he actually did, Often, I will call him, assuming he was just leaving work and he's admitted that he had finished earlier but had gone to the beach alone. This may be true.
After I caught him in the lie yesterday, I went through his phone. There was nothing on there in the way of shady text messages, phone calls or photos but his instagram account was filled with bikini models, a whole lot of them. This in itself makes me insecure because although I do yoga, I also enjoy potatoes and bread and cheese and I dont have the body of these 20 something girls. We have a child so I am full of stretch marks and loose skin. He often rejects my advances and never initiates intimacy.

What would you assume, if your partner did this to you? Am I overreacting? He told me he lied (twice) to me about the work hours for the benefit of his friend. He was there when I called him and called him out on the lie. He said he wanted to come home early from his friend's house and this was the purpose but he didnt need to make excuses, his friend would not care when he left. I would love some advice.

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@username121,

Don't snoop in phones. That's just plain wrong.

And your husband looking at bikini models, while insensitive, doesn't necessarily mean he's doing more than looking (and probably masturbating to them, BTW).

But the hours and the lies are a whole other kettle of fish. It doesn't help that he's rejected your advances and you are clearly insecure about your post-baby body (which I'm sure is beautiful - potatoes, bread, and cheese are for eating, and babies give women stretch marks - so is the way of the world).

So have a talk with him. This is not meant to be a big screaming fight. Maybe have it in some sort of neutral place, e. g. not at home. Send your child to your mother's or another trusted babysitter, for an afternoon or so. Head to the beach he's so fond of. This time of year, beaches start to empty out. You don't have to be in the thick of any crowds and you also don't have to be off in the middle of nowhere.

The idea is to have privacy but also enough public-ness that neither of you start to shout or cry.

Here are a few possible things to say. Alter as needed.

It makes me feel bad when you ...
I am often feeling rejected when you ...
It makes it hard for me to trust you when you ...

And see what he says. I'd be concerned if I were in your shoes and my fears and issues were just blown off or belittled or minimized.

But if he listens and has a reasonable explanation, then hear him out. And tell him, if you haven't already (and if you have, then reiterate this), that he might feel the need to cover for his buddy at work, but he doesn't have to cover for his buddy with you. And, BTW, maybe mention that covering for his buddy is a lousy way to treat his job and could get him fired. So he should knock it off. You're not kids in school anymore. His buddy should take his lumps if they come. It's not your husband's job to run interference there -- and his relationship with you, and his ability to earn enough to keep a roof over his family's heads, is far more important than any pal of his.

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Am I overreacting?

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